Say Nothing

Evil Emperor Nick on Oct. 29, 2007

Havenshire Harbinger October 30th 2007

Goddesses of Plastic By Vinessa Tress

Well it is all hallows eve again and time for yours truly to pick out a costume. Normally I make my own costumes, largely because store costumes seems to only have one costume available and that being a slut costume. Pirate Wench? Naughty Nurse? Major Flirt? Um no thanks. I used to be all about that back in high school as I crammed my shapely legs into instant wedgie tights and declared myself to be an super villainess but (villain-Tress jokes aside, X_X) somehow the whole thing becomes creepy when you see 6 year olds dressed as the PussyCat Dolls and asking for candy. Thanks, Buffy, for teaching us it is okay to kick butt but not okay to wear a shirt that covers our midriff.

While some past years shoving myself into a corset would have probably earned me some wicked snipes from the B-Three, our resident queens of the social food chain around the campus, this year I'm lean and tone. I've started doing a little weight training. You see it turns out that muscle burns something like twenty-time the calories of other tissues (read fat), so all the aerobics classes which kept my nice a lean and on a ritz cracker diet were only setting me up for a midlife crisis when the cinnibuns I so love suddenly started making my buns soft and gooey too. So I'm a little more buff now, which is a little awkward with some guys (re: girly men who fear I shall breaaaaaaaak them) I now can have the occasional chocolate reward and carry all my course books with me in my back pack without fear of falling down the stairs. Please note if I kill you with my pack accidentally you died for a good cause and my self image rocks!

So what options do we have for a girl too buff to be Snow White and about a metric ton too light to be Wonder(Bra) Woman? Joan of Arc? Naaaah. Flonne Angel of Love? Naaaaaah. Athena Goddess of Wisdom & Victory? I'm liking the sound of that.

So how to transform into Athena on a budget? Well to start with, stop at your local costume shop and get a 300 Spartan costume on sale because Leonidis' plastic abs got cracked in shipping. After we pitch the leather codpiece we have a serviceable helmet we can modify a bit, a spear & a sweet red cloak. I'm opting for less “chick in a bed sheet” and more “warrior maiden” look. Next, we get some sandals also conveniently on clearance to make room for winter boots and paint them gold. The hard part is coming up with some armor for my torso. Fortunately, I cheat by borrowing some from a friend and then make my own Roman legion style skirt to go with it out of an old belt and some plastic strips. I'm going to be wearing some skin toned tights and a home-made white garment, which looks marginally better than if I had cut a few holes in a potato sack, under my invincible plastic armor for warmth. In the end it looks a bit cheesy, but that is half the fun. I opt to carry my helmet as it keeps falling off and instead wear a fake laurel wreath on my head to help people figure out who I'm supposed to be. With a little bit of make up I don't think I look half bad.

Sadly no one knew who I was supposed to be, most assumed I was supposed to be a video game character of some sort. Curse you Kratos for rotting people's brains! But I had fun making it. Maybe next year I'll go as something scary like mid-life crisis Britney Spears? Naaaaaaah.