Debate and Discussion

Age and Marriage
Adariel at 5:57PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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It suddenly hit me yesterday, im turning 27 in a couple of weeks. A good majority of my friends are getting married or have kids already. This getting hitched and all itch hasn't struck me yet and i was thinking, “is there something wrong with me? or are my circle of friends suffering from a wedding frenzy?”.

With that premise, id like to survey you guys (so i could feel better/worse whichever), how old are you now and are you married? If Yes, at what age did you get married? If No, at what age do you think you'd be or do you plan on not getting hitched at all?

last edited on July 14, 2011 10:45AM
deletedbyrequest03 at 6:13PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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I'm 16, and I have no interest in relationships whatsoever.

This year, school's full of BS!!!
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:05PM
usedbooks at 6:14PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Don't fret over it. I think “the thirties” are a good age to get married. Most people in my family have married in that age range. I'm 25 and haven't even had a boyfriend/date yet. I do want to be married someday. I don't think I'll be terribly depressed if I don't. I don't feel like an old maid yet. (If it is going to happen, I think “before 40” is a good goal for me, since I would kinda like to have kids too.)

And, yeah, a lot of people I graduated with are married. The kicker is that most of them married people from high school and still live in that little nothing town. Plenty of other people have their schooling, adventures, and careers first, and there's nothing wrong with that. I expect to eventually end up with someone who had the same values and priorities as myself. ;)

Oh, and I know one divorced girl in her early 20's. Nice little fairytale, no?
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:37PM
seventy2 at 6:32PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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yes no…yes…..no…..yes…..i have no idea….be carefull how you chose your other….it really hurts when you love them back….
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last edited on July 14, 2011 3:28PM
crazyninny at 6:59PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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I'm going to turn legal this year, but I doubt I'll be getting hitched in my 20's. Naw, I'm going to be to busy to be getting hitched.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:48AM
Aurora Moon at 7:15PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Don't worry…. there's nothing wrong with you.

It seems that the “breeder mentality” is taking over lately.

By breeders, I mean the type of people who seems to glorify marriage and kids to the point where they think that EVERYONE should be getting married and having kids together. This is especially common in small towns or in small communities within the big cities.
This way, the breeders gets to spread their way of thinking to almost everyone they get in contact with. and all the kids/teenagers growing up start to see marriage and child-rearing as the ultimate glorious goal in life.

This of course results in people getting married and having kids early when they should actually be focusing on getting a stable finical and housing situation first.

I really dislike breeders in gerenal… they always make marriage and children seem like the best thing ever in life. When it's not for everyone at all. Marriage and children both takes a lot of work and commitment. Yes, the end result can be rewarding, but that gives them no excuse to make it seem like it's all flowers and sunshine.

And I get the feeling that your young married friends, might end up getting divorced in the next few years once they start to realize that jumping head first into marriage wasn't the best thing after all.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 11:10AM
tea_green at 7:45PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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I agree with Aurora. Marriage seemes to be the most horrible thing you can do to someone you love, lol.

Oddly enough, my cousins were having kids at fifteen and fourteen while I minded my studies. I felt awkward, like I did something wrong when logically not having kids was the right thing to do. Same with my former friends. They were in their early twenties, getting married, having babies and the like and I just felt like a fish out of water. I was kind of burdened by my freedom. Eventually the friendships were strained. They would talk down to me because I couldn't understand the responsibility of having a spouse or offspring. I couldn't understand why they carried such an air of superiority over me and the friendship disintegrated.

Enough of my rambling, let me get to the point. I think that if you really want to marry a person and you're young, you should stay engaged for a really, really long time.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:08PM
ozoneocean at 7:51PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Hey, there's nothing wrong with being traditional; marrying the one you love, starting a family etc. :)
That's cool if you're into it.

Not for me really… Maybe one day, but I'm not that concerned. I don't mind those who do though, even if they Do act a little like pod people afterwards. lol!
It's like the comic teams around here, suddenly “I” becomes “we”, and “us”. The group mind! :P
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:29PM
Katch at 7:59PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Most people around me think i'm more likely to grow up to be a serial killer rather than be married and start a family, lol. Married LATER is ok with me, i mean i'm not looking forward to it or anything, i'm quite fine by myself. But children uhhhh, did i mention i hate kids? because it's time to mention it now =D

yeah, i'm 19 right now and i find it kind of hard to watch like early twenty somethin year olds getting married…i personally think you should wait juuuust a bit more than that, but whatever 9_9

people do what they want in their own lives, so don't let it bother you, it's not like your pressured to go out there and procreate~
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:14PM
SeriousQuiche at 8:19PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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I'm 19, which makes me 6 years younger than my mother when she got hitched and 7 years younger than she was when she had me. I think Late twenties to early thirties is the best time. I really wouldn't want to get married before hand, because if you get married straight out of college, it already places restrictions on what you can do, because you're not just taking care of yourself now. I think everyone should go live in a big city on their own for a few years before they settle down.
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:28PM
Lord Shplane at 8:26PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Lolmarriage.

That being said, the entire concept has always seemed stupid to me. If you love someone, you don't need to have some retarded ceremony to show it.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:43PM
TheMidge28 at 9:33PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Wow.
I didn't realize how jaded everyone was about marriage.
I am happily married.
I love my wife very much.
It is hard and a lot of work.
We have a child named Gwen and she is 14 months old.
We love her very much.
We didn't plan on having her.
We wouldn't change a thing.


I think people have the idea that when you get married you lose your identity.
And for a lot of couples that may be the case. But I think its more about gaining responsibilities and giving up things which you may have committed time to previously but now there new things which occupy your time.

Its about growing up.

Does that mean everyone should get married? The answer is no.

But a healthy loving marriage does not stifle each person but it enriches the other as each continue to grow, pursuing their own aspirations and developing their own interests, together and apart. If there is no growth then there is sickness and then death…metaphorically and in some cases literally.

Don't feel pressure to get married but at the same time don't be a single snob snubbing the married folk because they made the choices they have, some intentionally while others were made for them as a result of other choices…if you understand the implication.;)
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:23PM
imshard at 9:43PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Good one midge. My advice? Don't even worry about having relationships until you're 30. At that point start looking around. Spend to time to get to know your partner and get married by your early 30s and have kids by your late 30s. By the time you're 50 the kiddos will be done with school or close enough and you can start looking forward to spending the rest of your life however you want with your spouse.

Its the pattern my family has used for generations. You know what? its works out fine. Myself? I'll probably die a bachelor.You know what though? I'm happy with that. Its the choice I made. I too was miserable when I went scurrying around looking for a girl to be with. I switched off, and focused on other things and found contentment. To each his own, do what makes you feel whole. Not what others expect of you.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 12:58PM
ozoneocean at 9:44PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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TheMidge28
if you understand the implication.;)
You got married because you knocked up your gal?
I'm joking of course. :)

I'm not being a snob. Being married is fine. You're not one of the pod-people Midge.
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:29PM
Katch at 9:50PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Well i think it's certainly nice when things work out for people, you get through some tough things and afterwards your all happy clams~
in MY family none of the kids (meaning my cousins) turned out right. And everyone expected me to be the same, they particularly didn't want me turning out like my youngest cousin Amy, she's 22, has been married once (technically she still IS),had two boyfriends and has a kid. Thus uhhh, i've never been quite keen on the married early, kids early thing.

last edited on July 14, 2011 1:14PM
TheMidge28 at 9:56PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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I'm not being a snob. Being married is fine. You're not one of the pod-people Midge.


The thought never passed my mind.
And the comment wasn't directed to anyone specifically.
But reading the responses in this thread I can understand each of there experiences to a great extent because I felt the same way at one time or another.
Things change a lot when you get married and have kids.
It is not for everyone.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:23PM
usedbooks at 10:08PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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TheMidge28
Don't feel pressure to get married but at the same time don't be a single snob snubbing the married folk because they made the choices they have, some intentionally while others were made for them as a result of other choices…if you understand the implication.;)
I think many “singles” are just defensive. When you visit your parents at 22 years old and hear from every neighbor and cashier, “Ya mean ya ain't married yet?” You become a little fed up. (“Nope. I'm working on my masters degree.” ) I don't think it makes me less “grown up” either. Honestly, a boyfriend very likely would have gotten in the way, or, at the very least, seriously complicated things. I don't regret “missing out” on the whole dating thing in high school and college. I definitely want to be able to stand on my own feet before I even think about that stuff. Too many women (in my region) get married instead of finding a good job. I think that that is a very bad (and dangerous) approach to life.

Like I said, I'd love to be married someday. I seriously doubt it will happen, but I think it would be kinda nice to meet someone I want to share my life with. (I NEVER tell my friends or family I feel that way. They make fun of me. :P )

I also think that marriage isn't really a life goal – at least not the way I was raised. (And I wasn't raised “anti-marriage.” My parents are going nearly 30 years strong on theirs.) If you meet that person, then get married. It can be great. But don't stick it up on your life's to-do list. Don't say “I *must* be married before a certain age.” It just doesn't work out well.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:37PM
Priest_Revan at 10:26PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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I'm 18, and I'm not looking for any long-term relationships yet. To be honest, I can't set a age when I do feel that it would be great for me to get married… I mean, I would wait until I'm financially capable of, not only being married, but being able to raise 1 (or more) child(ren).
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last edited on July 14, 2011 2:49PM
Calvin228 at 11:13PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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you should try getting married around 30 or something
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:36AM
DAJB at 11:34PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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Age shouldn't enter into it. Nor should children. If your main motivation for marrying is to beat the biological clock, your marriage probably isn't going to last anyway. Children put a huge strain on even the strongest relationships, so you need to be sure you're marrying because you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and will stick with come Hell or high water. Rant over!

As it happens, I married at 21. It seems early by today's standards but I was anything but a “breeder”. Before I met Mrs DAJB, I had no particular interest in getting married. I wasn't against it; I assumed it probably would happen at some stage but it wouldn't have bothered me if it hadn't. Marriage just wasn't on my agenda at all.

For the record Mrs DAJB and I are still happily married after many, many years and two children. But I wouldn't support the “breeder” mentality any more now than I would have back then. I still think age is irrelevant - you should get married when you've found the right person, whether that happens to be at 20, 40 or 75!

last edited on July 14, 2011 12:03PM
Adariel at 11:38PM, Jan. 16, 2008
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But don't stick it up on your life's to-do list. Don't say “I *must* be married before a certain age.” It just doesn't work out well.

lol, i know i have a pretty long life's to do list, but that entry is just not there in the first place.
last edited on July 14, 2011 10:45AM
Croi Dhubh at 12:19AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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Adariel
It suddenly hit me yesterday, im turning 27 in a couple of weeks. A good majority of my friends are getting married or have kids already. This getting hitched and all itch hasn't struck me yet and i was thinking, “is there something wrong with me? or are my circle of friends suffering from a wedding frenzy?”.

With that premise, id like to survey you guys (so i could feel better/worse whichever), how old are you now and are you married? If Yes, at what age did you get married? If No, at what age do you think you'd be or do you plan on not getting hitched at all?



27 and in no relationship.

Hell no I don't have kids, shit no I'm not about to get married.

Base things on maturity, stability in life (financial and mental), and the readiness to actually commit.

Guess what? I have two of the things down, but there's too many things I like doing that would cause me to have to take someone else's feelings into consideration, and I just don't feel like it right now. As of now, I can go out riding all day long on my Harley during my days off and it doesn't matter. As of now I can go and fish all day long and it doesn't matter. As of right now I can work grotesque amounts of over time and it doesn't matter. As of right now I can buy and play any video games that I feel like and it doesn't matter.

There's no such thing as being selfish when you're single. Why make or be miserable with one person for a long period of time when I can make and be happy with many for short periods of time?
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last edited on July 14, 2011 11:54AM
Product Placement at 12:37AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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I'm in club married. Been like that for a year and a half. No kids. Am 25 today.
…. That's pretty much it.

I was never into marriage. Where I live we culturally care more about developing the relationship rather than getting hitched. There's no pressure about marriage. A good example are my three sisters.
They all are older than me, actually quite allot being that my youngest sister is 7 years older(I was the runt of the litter).
The older two are married but before marriage they had lived with their spouses for (if my memory serves me right) well over a decade and had children with them during that time. My oldest sister had 3 kids at the time of marriage and my middle sister had 2. I know there's a big taboo about kids being born out of wedlock and them being called bastard as a result. Rest for sure that it's not the case back home. My youngest sister was in a relationship with a man a had a child with him. After few years together they broke up. It was his fault actually because he racked up quite a debt during their time together and she is just now crawling out of that hole.
She was a single mom for couple of years until she met her current fiance and with him she has gave birth to a girl. Even though they are engaged they do not have a set wedding date.
So why am I married…. well I got into a relationship with an American girl and as you know its all about picking a wedding date if things get serious. We were together for about 4 years before the wedding and during that timespan I got to observe how a relationship develops for your culture which I guess was kind of fun. She was aware of how I stood regarding marriage, that it wasn't really that important to me. I also remember that when we decided to get engaged, her family was all like “SO!! When's the wedding date? Where are you gonna get married? Have you picked a registration? Who's your priest?” and that was freakin' five minutes after we broke the news.
Even though it's customary to get married within a year after engagement, I managed to stretch that time to 3 years. Even though my family was fully aware how committed we were to the relationship, her side was starting to think that we weren't that serious about it until we picked the wedding date.

And that it. My crazy story about my courtship days with my wife.

Fun facts about my culture:
We call the ones we date: Our Dearest
We call the ones we are engaged to: Our Beloved
We call the ones we are married to: Our Man/Woman(depending on sex of course)

Another fun fact: We use the same word for turning down someones proposal and breaking someones spine.
Those were my two cents.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 2:49PM
Frostflowers at 1:19AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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I'm nineteen, not married, not in a relationship and - as things stand now - not planning to do either. See, I'm… simply not interested. Never had a boyfriend, never had a date (and the few people who have been interested are the sort I'd like to beat with a stick and bury out behind the shed. Yeesh - creepy!)

Which is a stark contrast to my parents - they met when my mother was fifteen (my father was 18) and they've been together ever since. That's thirty years this year, which is pretty astounding, and certainly a deviation from the norm - in that they've stayed together for so long with their first. Both me and my brother were born well before they got married, and in fact they did it with a minimum of fuss - they left my brother and I with our grandparents, went down to the courthouse and got hitched, and didn't tell the family about it until the next day.


But yeah…. Me and marriage? Pretty much a no-go. Sometimes, I feel a little left out when my friends talk about their boyfriends and people they're moving in with - but that's only because I don't know what to contribute to the conversation, not because I somehow envy them.

Another fun fact: We use the same word for turning down someones proposal and breaking someones spine.
I am intrigued and wish to know more. What language is this?
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last edited on July 14, 2011 12:31PM
Product Placement at 3:09AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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The word in question is hryggbrjota. Sounds nasty? Well it means nasty thing.

It's Icelandic. It's derived from old Norse and is probably the language closed to the way Germanic was once spoken. English is also derived from Germanic which means that long long ago, our ancestors spoke a similar language.

Due to the fact that it's changed so little over the last thousand years, we have proudly protected it from outside influence. For example, when computers became popular mainstream topic, Icelandic linguist started to contemplate what to call it. While most countries just took the word computer and integrated it into their language(example:Danish-computer, German-Computer, Indonesian-komputer, Portuguese (Brazil):computador) the Icelandic department of language decided to fuse together two existing word: tala(meaning number) and volva(an old word for a fortune teller) making the new word, tolva. This is the reason why you wouldn't find many international words in the Icelandic language.

I can tell you about all kinds of funny words we use.
For example our word for a foreigner, if directly translated into English is outlander. I just love that word, it's like something from Mad Max.

Well in order to risk not derailing the topic further I'll stop now but if you're still interested in learning more then you'll only have to ask.
Those were my two cents.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 2:49PM
lastcall at 3:37AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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Back in my hometown, it was expected of you to be married and have popped out at least 3 kids by the time you were 22 or so. I thought this was a load of sh*t, so I left my hometown long ago. (It was one of those hillbilly, white-trash-trailer towns where everyone is miserable and they all know each other… )

Anywhoo, I never thought I would get married either, until I just kind of…bumped into my husband. We were friends at first through a Dungeons & Dragons group, and then we got much closer after having “fun” at an orgy that occurred at the DM's house. (See? Geeks can get kinky, too…) We hit it off so well–several months later, we got married at a courthouse (because I hate all that planning and crap, and I wanted a day just for us–I think big weddings are a load of sh*t) and have been happily married for five months. We make each other laugh, and every day is a wonderful adventure. I don't know what I would do without him. He's my white knight–he saved me from a lot of bad things and a lot of bad people, and I thank him for that.

I'm 30 now, so there ya go. :)
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:27PM
Steely Gaze at 4:40AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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DAJB
Age shouldn't enter into it. Nor should children. If your main motivation for marrying is to beat the biological clock, your marriage probably isn't going to last anyway. Children put a huge strain on even the strongest relationships, so you need to be sure you're marrying because you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and will stick with come Hell or high water. Rant over!

As it happens, I married at 21. It seems early by today's standards but I was anything but a “breeder”. Before I met Mrs DAJB, I had no particular interest in getting married. I wasn't against it; I assumed it probably would happen at some stage but it wouldn't have bothered me if it hadn't. Marriage just wasn't on my agenda at all.

For the record Mrs DAJB and I are still happily married after many, many years and two children. But I wouldn't support the “breeder” mentality any more now than I would have back then. I still think age is irrelevant - you should get married when you've found the right person, whether that happens to be at 20, 40 or 75!



Bingo! That whole post describes my feelings down perfectly. If you find the right person, and good luck with that, then do what feels right. I've seen a lot of marriages come and go, but I've also seen several that shouldn't have lived flourish over time, surprising me. Overall, it's different for different people, and I should hope that familial pressures would not motivate the situation in any way. It hasn't for me anyways.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 3:57PM
TheMidge28 at 6:33AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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TheMidge28
Don't feel pressure to get married but at the same time don't be a single snob snubbing the married folk because they made the choices they have, some intentionally while others were made for them as a result of other choices…if you understand the implication.;)
I think many “singles” are just defensive. When you visit your parents at 22 years old and hear from every neighbor and cashier, “Ya mean ya ain't married yet?” You become a little fed up. (“Nope. I'm working on my masters degree.” ) I don't think it makes me less “grown up” either. Honestly, a boyfriend very likely would have gotten in the way, or, at the very least, seriously complicated things. I don't regret “missing out” on the whole dating thing in high school and college. I definitely want to be able to stand on my own feet before I even think about that stuff. Too many women (in my region) get married instead of finding a good job. I think that that is a very bad (and dangerous) approach to life.

Like I said, I'd love to be married someday. I seriously doubt it will happen, but I think it would be kinda nice to meet someone I want to share my life with. (I NEVER tell my friends or family I feel that way. They make fun of me. :P )

I also think that marriage isn't really a life goal – at least not the way I was raised. (And I wasn't raised “anti-marriage.” My parents are going nearly 30 years strong on theirs.) If you meet that person, then get married. It can be great. But don't stick it up on your life's to-do list. Don't say “I *must* be married before a certain age.” It just doesn't work out well.

Marriage is a huge decision for anyone and there are responsibilities that come with it. Just because you are single doesn't mean you are not “grown up”, but I can assure you when you do get married or have a child things change dramatically and for most people they will be “forced” or “pushed” to grow up.

If someone is happy with being single then more power to them. The same to those who have gotten married. I dislike the whole mentality of people rushing to get married or rushing to meet the one or rushing to rushing to do anything, unless its saving a baby from a burning house. But I live in America where that is the mentality: Rush!
Slow down. Enjoy life. I can totally appreciate Croi Dhubh's honesty and realism, and he seems to be enjoying his life right now.

I have stated this before in another thread, but live life as though you a running a marathon, not rushing mind you but a healthy pace. Run as to reach the goals you have set. And I hope those goals are satifying. If so then you should be content as you “run”. Others will pass you. Some will keep up with you. And some you will be left behind. But there may be that one who comes along side you and makes the race all the more exciting.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:23PM
mlai at 6:49AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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I don't think ppl should get married too young. The world is a big place, and yet it's easier than ever to move around and communicate within it, nowadays. So if you're barely 20, how would you know if you've met the one? Maybe the only thing this person has over someone you might meet 5 years later, is that he/she just has the dumb (good/bad) luck of meeting you first.

You're just not emotionally mature, you just don't know. In the old days, you can be considered emotionally mature enough, because ppl simply weren't as mobile or interconnected. Nowadays, you need more time to make a lifetime decision.

I can tell you, the ones I thought were the one back when I was younger, now that I think about it they really weren't. I'm not even that old; amazing what a few years of true adulthood does to maturity and wisdom.

*You does not = original poster.*

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last edited on July 14, 2011 2:06PM
lucky7s76 at 7:21AM, Jan. 17, 2008
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What's the point of marriage anymore? People just have babies without getting married or planning to. It seems more like a “Let's just do this” kind of thing other than a “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” thing nowadays. Not to say that the latter doesn't exist, mind you, but marriage just doesn't appear to have the same meaning anymore.

I don't mean to say you shouldn't get married, so don't take it that way. Regardless of age, if you really, absolutely, positively love someone to death, I honestly don't see what's wrong with it. Marriage has to be one of the biggest, most important commitments you'll ever make, so finding the right person isn't exactly easy to do from an early age.

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.
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