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Charlie Everyone's guide to being an awful human being
charlie_everyone at 11:40AM, July 1, 2009
posts: 64
joined: 6-29-2009
Contained within: Satire

Hello everyone! Is your day going swimmingly? I sure hope so. You have clicked on my guide so I can only guess as to the number 1 question ruminating in your brain's supple and delicious meat space.

“I'm a bad person… but I've always wanted to be an awful one. I just don't know where to start!!”

Lucky you! I'm here to guide you on your road to absolute deplorable behavior! Follow my 10 easy steps and I personally guarantee you will have villagers gathering at your place of residence with pitchforks in hand within the hour!

Rule 1: Never accept anyone's advice. Ever. Ayn Rand was right when she wrote about the world keeping the superman down. Everyone is out to get you and make you into a carbon copy of themselves. Since everyone is stupid and of weak moral fiber except for you, why should you ever take anyone's flawed opinion over your own brilliant machinations? Just because you have no discernible reason for saying or doing the things that you do doesn't mean you aren't completely right 100% of the time!

Rule 2: Judge people on the first impression. People are simple. They never have anything going on in their lives or minds that you cannot ascertain by looking at them once. Even at a glance! Remember the way someone looks is the most important thing about them. Hang with people that are dressed for success and surely their coolness will rub off on you!

Rule 3: Bathing is for suckers. Who has time for personal hygiene? I know I don't. You are far too busy cruising around on the internet for such frivolous behavior. It's a fact that the more successful you are the less you care if you smell like the plague. Just look at Leonardo DiCaprio. He built planes and made millions of dollars sitting in a dark room for months collecting his own urine in jars. Start thinking like a millionaire today! It's all about positive affirmation!

Rule 4: Grow a really big beard. People will love you! If you were born female it's simply a matter of obtaining “T” treatment. Everybody's doing it! Look at me! I was born with girl parts and now I have a stunning array of facial tufts! Trust me, your face will thank you.

Rule 5: Do whatever you want the exact moment you think of it. You are perfect in every way. The universe revolves around you. Consequences shmonsequences, the world is lucky to have you in it and should bow to your every whim!

Rule 6: Being sardonic is really cool and everyone will thank you for your biting wit. Make fun of everything and everyone! The universe is filled to the brim with lesser creatures that are practically begging you to mock them. Do so vehemently and with great vigor!

Rule 7: Those are totally my chips, you have amnesia. Take what you want from anyone! If someone challenges your claim of ownership accuse them of having a poor memory. You bought that thing they have like 2 years ago! They must be some kind of clepto.

Rule 8: Show up to the office Christmas party without any pants. Why do you think you're boss keeps you around? A monkey could file those TPS reports! Show some initiative and greet your co-workers with a smile and a swagger. A promotion is in your future I can just smell it.

Rule 9: I put on my cloak and wizards hat. Get into as many relationships as you can! When the time comes for some kinky business put on your wizardly wardrobe and shoot them with a magic missile! They will give their friends a glowing review of your studly prowess and you'll be surrounded by a harem of familiars to work your majick on!

Rule 10: Make threads on forums you frequent that will not be understood or appreciated by anyone… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

The space below is for sharing your success stories after using my patented method. Show the world your pure unbridled awesome!

Oh and *cough* read my webcomic *cough* NSFW *cough*

Best of luck XOXO,
The Scarlet Robe

Read it.

Like right now.


You do it.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:40AM
Skullbie at 11:51AM, July 1, 2009
posts: 4,712
joined: 12-9-2007
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:47PM
Ryuthehedgewolf at 1:31PM, July 1, 2009
posts: 1,340
joined: 9-2-2007
Here's some notes for you guys, if you don't want to read the whole thing.

Do the exact opposite of what you have been told to do, all your life.

Short, sweet, and to the point.
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:16PM
TheMidge28 at 5:19PM, July 1, 2009
posts: 6,847
joined: 7-5-2007

If it smells like a fish and it doesn't look like a fish, its not a fish.
true story.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:25PM
lba at 5:53PM, July 1, 2009
posts: 2,684
joined: 5-29-2007
sounds more like how to be an internet troll.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:29PM
charlie_everyone at 6:49PM, July 1, 2009
posts: 64
joined: 6-29-2009
You guys. You guuuuuuuuuuuuys. You guuuuuu-uuuuuys. C'mon use yer I-M-A-G-I-N-A-T-I-O-N-S!!! I have supplied you with the tools for hilarity and you spit in my face. I'm hurt, truly I am. I'm just trying to be really super duper funny! You know like Andy Dick.

Did you see that thing at the top of the page? It said that the post was satire!!! That's supposed to make it funny right? I mean I don't really know what “satire” means… is it a festive hat or something? It sounds like a dish you might be served in Japan! You guys like Japan right? All I know is that when people say something is satire it's supposed to be funny… I was just trying to fit in guys. Jeesum crow.

Confused and wafting about in the life stream (FF7 reference, you guys like final fantasy right?),

The Scarlet Robe

Read it.

Like right now.


You do it.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:40AM
humorman at 11:21PM, July 1, 2009
posts: 919
joined: 12-28-2007
sounds more like how to be an internet troll.

No. He is not red e.

Billy vs. Tree – The epic struggle of boy versus tree.
Sonic Colores – It looks like it's going to be a good game because I love how the way it makes me grow.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:51PM
bravo1102 at 1:18AM, July 2, 2009
posts: 3,230
joined: 1-21-2008
sounds more like how to be an internet troll.

Read rule #2 and think about what you just said.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:33AM
ifelldownthestairs at 8:06PM, July 2, 2009
posts: 431
joined: 7-4-2007
i dunno… he DID say cloak. don't trolls wear cloaks?

i would suggest… hmm.. lemme think…

laugh in peoples' faces. that's one of the easiest ways to piss someone off, to just point and laugh. tried and true.

oh, speaking of which… correct peoples' grammar constantly. especially when you're in the wrong, and do not let it go.

drinking excessively… the less fitting for heavy drinking the environment, the better.. trying to hook up with women who are obviously taken, always doing that gag where you're drinking something and you pretend to be shocked and just spit all over whoever's closest to you… but do it to EVERY PERSON IN YOUR VICINITY. until you're forcibly removed from wherever you are.

…off the top of my head, that's all i've got.
you know why birds don't write their memoirs? because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why. who'd want to read what a bird does? nobody. that's who.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:56PM
Orin J Master at 9:39PM, July 2, 2009
posts: 437
joined: 12-16-2007
i too, wish to give Charlie_everyone attention for his outburst.
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:22PM

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