Debate and Discussion

Do you really need a partner to complete your life and give meaning to it?
kyupol at 7:52AM, May 30, 2011
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I am gonna turn 28 soon. And people keep bugging me to get a girlfriend or wife and settle down or something.

I brush em off with a smile and some humor. But when it keeps on coming back over and over and over and over and over again… it may get a little annoying. So instead of humor, I tried bringing up logic. I asked em a simple question: Why do I need a wife/girlfriend? Whats in it for me?

The answers I got were:
- So you have children who will take care of you when you get old. You're not always gonna be healthy. You're gonna grow old and God knows what types of illness you might pick up when your body deteriorates in health. Who will bring you to the hospital? Who will take care of you?

- So you have a woman who will take care of you. So you wont feel lonely. So when you come home all stressed from work or when you feel like crying, there's gonna be a shoulder whom you can lean upon.

- So you wont die alone. You know, on your deathbed it would always be great to have some company. Wife… kids… etc…

- 28 is about time for you to settle down. Most of your friends, etc… people whom you went to school with… your age… are now married and have small children. What about you? You the odd one out. lol


I just smile at these responses. Because to me, yes they do have basic logical reasoning in them but they fail to see the bigger picture. Its as if all their minds are grounded into this reality. As if they're walking around with a state of hypnosis and their thoughts aren't their own but rather… the thoughts of someone else. Thoughts of what the state, church, society expect from you. And you bend like a reed in the wind.

And yeah I had a few girlfriends. So far its all been fun and mindgames. So far, all I saw was woman trying to manipulate me. Trying to control me. Using various mindgames like witholding sex… classic example. When that's done to me, I'm like “Ok, withold sex. I'll get it somewhere else…” And that feels like a punch in the gut to her.

I'm sorry. I refuse to have my mind controlled and compromised. I refuse to be hypnotized. I refuse to be your little door mat lap dog… unless maybe its some kind of bedroom role playing game… then MAYBE I would be your little door mat and I'd address you as “ma'am” or “miss” or “goddess”. lol!

Humor aside, thats what Ive noticed about relationships in general. They are states of hypnosis. One is the hypnoTIST and the other is the hypnoTIZED. And such a relationship creates more pain and misery and dysfunction.

I have seen so many people who are married who are unhappy. So there. Lesson learned.

I just dont get it how people can be so brainwashed as to believe that you need a partner just to complete your life and give meaning to it.



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last edited on July 14, 2011 1:27PM
Abt_Nihil at 10:21AM, May 30, 2011
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I certainly don't think everybody needs someone to “complete their life”. Many people I know are perfectly “complete” on their own. It's a question of (a) wanting to be with someone specific (if you just have that unspecific feeling of wanting to be with someone, then your eventual significant other is likely to be nothing more than a means to an end), and (b) actually getting along with that someone, making the relationship work.

However, there are no guarantees that will ever happen. I know many relationships which work, and many which don't (or didn't). There's no clear inductive argument to be made here. It's all about what works for you.
last edited on July 14, 2011 10:45AM
lothar at 11:30AM, May 30, 2011
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i always feel kinda sorry for those old guys a i see who are all alone

and i also feel sorry for those old guys a i see that has a bitchy wife who yells at him on the train


either way you're F-ckd
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:45PM
ayesinback at 1:43PM, May 30, 2011
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Abt_Nihil
I certainly don't think everybody needs someone to “complete their life”. Many people I know are perfectly “complete” on their own. It's a question of (a) wanting to be with someone specific (if you just have that unspecific feeling of wanting to be with someone, then your eventual significant other is likely to be nothing more than a means to an end), and (b) actually getting along with that someone, making the relationship work.

However, there are no guarantees that will ever happen. I know many relationships which work, and many which don't (or didn't). There's no clear inductive argument to be made here. It's all about what works for you.
I like this response very much.

I've been married for longer than many of you have been alive. Which means that I have one marriage experience, and so I am no expert.

What I believe is that no one has any business getting married until they are pretty comfortable with his/herself. Marriage will not complete anyone.

In fact, I believe that when two marry, they DO NOT meld “into one”. What happens is that they create a third entity: “us”. “Us” will not survive if either one of the two becomes diminished. And so it's hard work keeping “us” alive, because it will only happen when “you” and “I” are healthy and complete. So before you pledge yourself, you are responsible for one. And after you pledge yourself, you become party to three.

Marriage is work. The great love stories? Juliet and Romeo? Tristan and Isolde? a brief time of euphoria and then dead dead dead. Marriage will not last long if it's only skyrockets and firecrackers. To me, a good marriage is like a steady hearth fire, always burning, sometimes large and beautiful flames, and sometimes just burning embers. It's work to keep that flame alive sometimes.

Not everyone wants to work at something like that. It's incredibly invasive. But when “you” and “I” are happy, the “us” can be amazing.

And the last point - and this might sound harsh, but in essence, no matter how dear our friends or how close our families, we breathe alone and we will leave our living alone. We Are self-sufficient beings, and we were designed that way. We are alone. But it can be grand to share our alone-ness.

under new management
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:14AM
OnlyFoolsAndVikings at 5:11PM, May 30, 2011
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I'm a teenager and I've never had a “Boyfreind” So what I say probably won't have much ground. All I can say is do whatever suits you, don't be pressured into getting hitched simply because everyone else is like: “oh mah lawd, you need chiillllddreeeennn!!!!”

I will now point to Ayes and say: “What she said” Because I completely agree with her and there is no point to simply repeating what she said. :D
of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I STROKE MY MOUSTACHE IN A SUGGESTIVE MANNER!
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:21PM
mlai at 9:03PM, May 30, 2011
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I agree with Ayesinblack's “three” theory. Correct, love does not “complete” a person IRL. It does for a short term, yes. But not long term (in a healthy relationship). I hope I reflect that well enough in my own comics script.

Kyupol, why does everything sound like frustration and whine from you? Your entire post is misogynistic "I am frustrated hear me grumble about the evil of women" rant typical of a 20-ish male loner. No, it doesn't make you sound enlightened or street-smart. It just sounds like you need to look for a different kind of relationship, since you seem to dislike the manipulative type of relationships that you constantly get yourself in.

FIGHT current chapter: Filling In The Gaps
FIGHT_2 current chapter: Light Years of Gold
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:07PM
kyupol at 3:57AM, May 31, 2011
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I appreciate all your responses.

Yep. I'm frustrated. Frustrated at the narrow-mindedness of many many people. Frustrated at the general state of relationships (not just my own but other people I've seen) that Ive seen where there is no love but rather something that should be called “lust” or “euphoria” or a “state of hypnosis”.

Sorry if I came off misogynistic. I should have said that it goes either way. Yes Ive seen it happen to women too. Like this really kind, soft-hearted, caring woman I know whose heart got broken by this inconsiderate, evil asshole who replaced her just as easily as snapping his fingers.

Ah… the fallen human nature and the “matrix” we live in that doesnt solve the problem but rather exacerbates it. When I point this out, some people would call me insane. Others would call me brilliant. Either or I dont care. This isnt about my ego anymore. I'll speak the truth and I'd care less if everyone would laugh at me and think I'm insane. I can go on and on rambling about that topic (fallen human nature and the “matrix” we live in) but I wont do it in this thread.

Loner? Yeah I used to be a loner. That was ages ago. These days I am not alone. And never will be. :)

Cheers.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 1:27PM
ozoneocean at 4:07AM, May 31, 2011
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ayesinback
And the last point - and this might sound harsh, but in essence, no matter how dear our friends or how close our families, we breathe alone and we will leave our living alone. We Are self-sufficient beings, and we were designed that way. We are alone. But it can be grand to share our alone-ness.
You've got a hit song there- one of the good ones too, not shit like poker face or whatever.

Well I'm married to Skoolmunkee, at least in our Quackcasts. :)

It really doesn't matter to me one way or the other. It's great to be with someone when you're with them, it's good to have someone else to share stuff with, to help them with their stuff and support them and get that in return, and you can feel lonely by yourself… but then it's also great to have 100% freedom, not having to compromise or negotiate another's space, time, needs etc. To be fully self sufficient and only responsible for your own destiny is really quite nice.

I don't think the institutions of society (church, state etc), or community, or even pop-culture are trying to brainwash people into pairing off, all they do is reflect what is there already: People have to mate in order to continue humanity, they have to raise children in order to help them grow up and function in society, this is how it has been since before recorded history. If it wasn't like that then none of us would be around.
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:38PM
bravo1102 at 6:51AM, May 31, 2011
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I agree with ayesinback. That has been my marriage experience.

But I keep coing back to an old saying “I did not know how empty was my soul until it was filled.”

I didn't know how wonderful and fulfilling a relationship could be until I was in one.

I've been a loner all my life. I always thought I'd never meet someone and have a relationship let alone a long marriage that's lasted long enough where the wife and I could have had teenaged children and that has lasted longer than most pets live. Odd perspective but there it is, pets are no replacement for another human.

I'm still alone and always will be but it is nice knowing there's someone else I can share everything I am with. It's heartfelt contentment. There's always a place that's warm and fuzzy where the loneliness of existence can be forgotten.

And of course our song is Huey Lewis' “Happy to be Stuck with You.” And we are.

You won't know how empty was your soul until it is filled.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:34AM
NickyP at 1:14PM, May 31, 2011
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I agree with ayesinback, too. She actually ninja'd what I was going to say… that you can never be complete with another person unless you are complete with yourself. I've gone through enough girlfriends to understand that. So, I really don't feel the need to add more to that.

Companionship is a basic human instinct. Everyone wants a someone; though whether it be for one night or one lifetime is up to the person. But to act as if companionship is some sort of conspiracy theory created by society, institutions, and “the man?” I only have one response to that:

lolololol. You might have just inspired the next issue of “La Vie a la Mode.”
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:16PM
Faliat at 5:57AM, June 1, 2011
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28 is time to settle down? Pfft.

Even though I was born when my dad was 29 It's kind of a bit young considering how long people live these days and how healthy they are in old age. And I'll add that getting panicked about it is only going to lead to you making bad decisions about who you spend the rest of your life with. You're doing the right thing.

Is there a need for it, there is. It fulfills the primal human desire for company. We're social creatures. Even the ones that can't do it right.

It's probably less about completing yourself and more keeping yourself complete, however. If they go a part of you goes with them that you might not ever get back. It can chew up and spit out any sane human being. But then so can loneliness.

Call that jumped up metal rod a knife?
Watch mine go straight through a kevlar table, and if it dunt do the same to a certain gaixan's skull in my immediate vicinity after, I GET A F*****G REFUND! BUKKO, AH?!

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last edited on July 14, 2011 12:25PM
Lonnehart at 10:18PM, June 1, 2011
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heh… I'm 40 right now, and I haven't “settled down” despite pressure from my family to do so. Todays world doesn't make things easy for me if I wanted to find a partner. Still, I prefer to be alone most of the time. I guess I'm not the marrying type even though my family says I'd make a great father…

Just take your time. If you feel you need a partner, just remember… you have to accept her completely and she has to accept you completely… the good WITH the bad. No such thing as the “perfect” spouse, I think… Then again, I'm the wrong person to give advice since I've never had so much as a girlfriend.

*sigh*…
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:39PM
tylinn at 12:23AM, June 2, 2011
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I think that, sadly, there are very few examples of good relationships in our world. What I don't think is that you should base your decision on those relationships, or even your own past failed relationships if they were with bad people.

I think it all depends 100% on finding a GOOD partner. The “right” person for you. If you do, it's like having a best friend, only exponentially more awesome. It's someone you literally SHARE your life with. (You decide to what level. You could be inseparable, or you could each want space from each other. Having a partner does not mean you don't get anymore alone time. Not if you've got the right one for you.) But with the right person, you get to create experiences, memories, and inside jokes with them. You get to know them, and they get to know you, better than anyone ever has. You get to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets. It's liberating, fun, relaxing, elevating… THAT'S why you would want to have a partner. Not so you can have kids… 9.9

That being said, of course, even the best of relationships has its problems. You have fights, you get annoyed, there are things about them you wish you could change… which is why it absolutely has to be the right person. Otherwise, it's misery—and yes—you would probably be better off living alone than spending it with someone who's poorly suited for you.

In the end, don't listen to your friends. Especially the ones in bad relationships! They're obviously not well enough suited for you to be a lifelong partner anyway. In fact, don't even listen to us! Just listen to yourself and what you want.

Except… listen to me when I tell you to listen to yourself. :P
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:35PM
blindsk at 2:02AM, June 2, 2011
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Lonnehart
Just take your time. If you feel you need a partner, just remember… you have to accept her completely and she has to accept you completely… the good WITH the bad. No such thing as the “perfect” spouse, I think… Then again, I'm the wrong person to give advice since I've never had so much as a girlfriend.

While I would definitely agree with everyone and thus agreeing with ayesinback on the means to make a lifelong companionship work, I do believe a good point was brought up with making this thread, and Lonneheart compelled me to reiterate it.

Like Abt_Nihil said, who's to say that you really have to find a significant other in life to be happy? If you constantly feel unsure about the whole thing, maybe it's not for you. My advice is to say to hell with people forcing you into relationships and just make it known you don't need that right now, if at all. Some people dream about having a family all their life, but if that's never really crossed your mind at all, then you should focus on pursuing what has become your dream.

Personally, I'm currently working on my studies and haven't even thought about that stuff. A lot of my colleagues are well into their thirties (mostly female, mind you!) and have never been married. I could see myself being content doing what I do for a long time now, and maybe a couple years down the road I'll decide if I need that companionship or not. But I haven't felt a need to be ‘on the hunt’ if you will.

And besides, if you already found something that you love, why would you fear dying alone? There's nothing that says you must stop whatever you're doing at a certain age.

That's when you do have to seriously ask yourself if you're content being who you are right now. As tylinn eloquently put, just listen to yourself for it.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:25AM
theorah at 3:01AM, June 9, 2011
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Yup, as others have said, I think relationships are great if you want to be in one.
And I dont think media/whatever, is telling you that you HAVE to be in one, its more that its just a common thing that people like to talk about.

I can understand though that as a younger person you can consequently feel confused/upset and worry that theres something wrong with you if you're not into having relationships, but I think its something you just learn to accept about yourself and become comfortable with, like everything else in life, and you just end up seeing what happens :)

I'm 22 and have hardly been in any kind of relationship. I've been love before, and I want companionship, but I'm really not good with the ‘personal space’ thing, I dont like touching/hugging/whatever, I dont even get innuendos :P
If I find the right person this will might change, or if it doesnt I expect I'll find someone who is happy to put up with my weirdness! Either way after a small bout of worrying about it when I was younger, I'm quite happy with the way I am. Theres no need to feel pressure or feel like you're not right for not wanting a relationship, many peoples comments prove so on here ^^

Also, think of all the people who cant or will never have a relationship for whatever reason (Autism, Aspergers, other mental health or just general health issues). These kinds of people still find happiness, support and companionship, just in different ways, and most people would say they are not any less fulfilled in happiness atleast.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:25PM
MadTarnsman at 5:13PM, June 13, 2011
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This is an intensely personal question and I really don't think you're going to find the insight you're looking for on an internet forum where you have a GInormous cross section of the global population.

Also, I'm 57….divorced twice and widowed once….I'm the LAST guy you want to ask about marriage and such.

Personally, I hate living alone…..its got its upsides but mostly down. I don't need a domicile full of snot nosed screaming kids because I've already raised a son. My reason for being is complete….I procreated!

Now, I just want an extremely skilled/talented sexual partner and a amicable living arrangement. Besides, most women find me hard to put up with. They seem to like the slight Bad Boy edge I exude but at the end of the day, women always marry the accountant, even though I've mellowed a lot in these later years.

No, I'd say this is one you have to answer for yourself. Maybe at this point you're NOT ready for marriage/companionship, so settle for being a convenient booty call to some lucky miss….or mrs……when the time comes, if it comes, you'll know it!

The downside to this is most women want a commitment after a “test drive”.

Whatever you decide, good luck with it!!


“Life comes at ya pretty fast, sometimes….double tap to the head if it does….”
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:50PM
MadTarnsman at 5:22PM, June 13, 2011
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lothar
i always feel kinda sorry for those old guys a i see who are all alone

and i also feel sorry for those old guys a i see that has a bitchy wife who yells at him on the train


either way you're F-ckd


I fully realize this thread isn't about MY problems, but I'm compelled to ask you to define “old guys”. Also, at my age, I've seen and done a lot…..and still going….my hormones have hit a healthy balance, unlike teenage boys who'll fuck a knot in an oak tree but I will tap it like a mafia phone line if she's willing. A woman…not an oak tree!!

I've fought in a war, seen the world when google was something babies said, I'm an avid scuba diver, degreed in electronics and now I'm doing a web comic and funded by our good friends at the Veterans Administration.

My point is, the next time you see an “old guy” alone, don't immediately think he's lonely or miserable. Some have done more than we'll ever dream of.


“Life comes at ya pretty fast, sometimes….double tap to the head if it does….”
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:50PM
Locoma at 10:36PM, Aug. 27, 2011
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I kind of know what you mean when you say friends and family put pressure on you, but if you think about it, it is nothing new. Friends and family always put pressure when they think something is wrong or you are doing something different, they can be really closed minded when they don't understand you. The marriage/kids thing is a pretty strong one, I give you that. Many people I know had kids just because “they wanted it at the moment” and it's no surprise that at “moment” all their friends and relatives were having kids too. If you think about it, it is convenient since your kids will play with their kids and all that. Also, some people can't help being competitive.
At your age you should know how to deal with family and social pressure bullshit, and maybe you do. But expect them to try fixing you up with people they know, I'm 29 and they took me by surprise many times, and experienced some really awkward situations. To be honest, of all family and friend's social pressures, this is quite a fun one XD
last edited on Aug. 27, 2011 10:37PM
gecko200 at 2:36PM, Oct. 22, 2011
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No, you really don't but I have a,wife a friend a partner for the past 33 years more than half my life , and she is dying , And itis almost inevitable that she is going to die soon. My heart is breaking that I will soon be alone .To see her slowly slip away little by little everyday is almost more than I can bear ,but even when she passes, a little bit of her will live in  me She has taught me compassion , she has taught me patience .She has shown me that you can give of yourself even if you have very little . She has lifted me up when I was low , and grounded me when I got too full of myself, She has been there to tell me that I count that I have made her life more comfortable and not so scary , and for these things I am grateful , so yes ,you can live life alone,… but I think a partnership even if not Hollywood perfect even if not everything you thought it should or could be is a good thing . And I thank God everyday for giving me somebody who has made this hard cold thing called life a little more tolerable, Teresa  you have been and always will be everything to me. And I apologize for spilling my guts out in this forum but this is just how I feel.
ayesinback at 6:33AM, Oct. 24, 2011
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@Gecko200 - Thank you for posting your message.  If it helped you to share this, I'm glad you did it - and you should know it helped me to read it.
 
I've been married for a long time and go through periods where I feel “fed up” with my partnership.  Life can throw many undesired challenges, and how the two in a marriage individually decide how to meet them can differ significantly.  It can sometimes prove too “testing”.  However, you've reminded me that there is a core of security and gratefulness when someone IS with you, wanting the best and wanting to share it with you.  And over time, that core becomes its own entity.  I believe that core, that entity won't - maybe even can't - simply up and disappear, no matter what the events are.
 
I have nothing to offer you beyond what you already recognize that you have and will have.  But I am so very sorry for the sorrow that you and Teresa are experiencing now - I hope that there will be something beautiful that comes with it, altho I don't know what that will be.  But usually when the pendulum swings wildly to one side, something will come along to provide a balance.
 
my thoughts are with you
 
under new management
smkinoshita at 9:42AM, Oct. 26, 2011
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If you need a partner to complete your life and give meaning to it, you have issues.
It took me years to find my wife.  She's the most important element in my life NOW, but before I met her I had other things.  Your spouse needs to greatly improve your life, but your life should have meaning regadless.  I don't think people should try to settle down until they've sorted out the meaning of their own lives first.  It gets messy if someone discovers the meaning after settling down and realizes that this meaning isn't compatible with the spouse.
Yes, waiting too long can lead to complications when it comes to wanting a family, but it's probably better to wait than to say… have to divorce and split up a family.
b300mussolini at 6:47PM, Oct. 26, 2011
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I get the whole why dont you have a GF a lot too so i know how you feel man. it gets really annoying.
 
as to your question do you really need someone else to complet your life? that i cant answer. personality i dont think so mainly becuase most of my Xs only went out with me to make someone else angery or upset and that kind of stuff. as for all the studys done on married couples like living longer and what not you can get from just being passionite for something like religion or a certain hoby. (this is the point when most girls would of hit me for compairing a relationship with them to playing football. Thank you internet)
 
what i can answer is why people feel the need to have a wife/GF and that goes back to basic human instincts of reporduction and child raising. The concept of “marrige” is ingrained into basic human instincts because it has two perpose. 1) a child is more likely to make it to production age in the wild if the child has both the mother and father looking after it. 2) The aformentioned beifits of being able to express your passion (get you minds out of the gutters) i.e. long life, less stress(debatable), a confort net, etc
(of course i am talking about back when mankind was still just barely apes)
well sorry to get a bit off topic. Nice reading what all of you had to say and good lucky with the relationship peer pressure
ronin356 at 2:01AM, March 22, 2012
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No, I don't think so at all. Sometimes I think it is better to be single. It's better to be single than with someone you hate. Do yourself a favor and stop listening to people about what is normal and ideal in soceity. There isn't such a thing as normal. Be happy to be alive. As for everybody else, it's x10 cooler to be a non conformist. There may not be any meaning in life at all, You just make the meaning. If you want meaning, just follow this word of advice “Be exellent to each other.” You will be fine.
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