I once called a crab “Wanc” when I was nine…


… It sounds different from how it's spelled.

here is one that many guys must have had.

Back in school aged 13-14 I was in french class bored out of my mind staring across the class room out the window. There was a girl sat not quite in my line of sight but obviously from where she sat it looked like I was staring at her.
So she shouts out, “stop staring at me, do you fancy me or something?”
Much embarrassment followed.

Also

Christmas party 2001, me and my mates were very very drunk and somehow the girls managed to convince us to do karaoke to some of the songs from the full monty and we did indeed do the full monty with our boxers going flying. Trying to find them after was horrendous. I remember asking my female boss “Did you see where my boxers landed?”

I have SO many that I can choose from, but since I'm still living this one down I'll offer it up.

A few years ago I brought my daughter into work with me. My boss's boss (nice guy, terrible manager) stopped by my cubicle to say hi to us.

Having done so, he had walked just a step or two away when my daughter, in this little girl voice, high-pitched so that it carried over to at least the nearest one dozen cubes, said: “You don't like him much, do ya Mom?”

heh heh heh *geez* The thing is, she was right, and everybody knows it. I don't have much of a poker face when I'm not playing poker.

That reminds me of another.

I used to be a supermarket manager and we had this young district manager who was completely inept but threw his weight around. One time when he had been in and royally pissed off my deputy, so after he left I was talking to said deputy who asked me why he was acting like such an absolute arse, my reply was “Because he is a C***!”
Unfortunately the district manager had come back to ask me something and was stood right behind us.

Genejoke
manager who was completely inept

Wow.

Had no idea my director was a former produce-goods-district-manager in the UK. Might explain why he so sucks at managing a publications group.

This one time I told one of my embarrassing stories on the internet. That was totally embarrassing.

I think I was about eight or so. Two friends and I were playing tag in an empty tennis court. I must've zigged when I should've zagged because I ran head first into a metal support column for the net. I admit, the echoing KLANG was pretty satisfying. Nothing like unintentional slapstick to be the aspirin for humiliation and cranial agony, you know?

When I was in grade five, lining up with the other kids in my class, I made some silly cutting remark to one of the girls (can't even recall what it was, but it was totally innocent).
She shouted back extremely loudly:
“No Michael, I would never suck your cock in a million years!”

The whole school heard and everyone's head snapped round to look at either me or her… I was embarrassed and pretty confused.

…I was 11 years old! I really wasn't interested in having anyone suck my cock. Mostly I felt more embarrassed for her at the time- she was obviously trying to make fun of me, but by saying that as loudly as she did it made her look like an idiot than me.

I deliberately rammed head first into a wall made of solid concrete blocks when I was 18 during a game of charades.

How else do you try and show someone “Rammstein”?


I ran at it and everything. Was surprised I didn't need to go to the hospital!


Which reminds me of last tuesday when I needed the toilet and couldn't get past people in their seats during the intermission of a play I was watching at the Royal Court Theatre.

I saw other people climb over the backs of the seats in front since the row before was practically empty so I thought that it would be a good idea to do that.

Put my foot on the seat in front…

And I had put it too far back. So the chair folded up on my leg, my crotch got smashed against the back of the chair and my left knee was up to my shoulder…

I had fallen about two and a half feet and landed on my ankle sideways. Now my right leg was jammed in a foldy chair and had plenty of time to panic about whether my leg was broken or not as the security guard and the people from the row behind where I sat tried to pull me out.

Luckily my leg girth slowing down my rate of the fall ever so slightly (Thank christ for carrot cake!) and shock absorbing skate shoes only left me with a sprained calf and instead of my accident being the biggest disaster of the night, it was the play.


Unfunniest and most obvious dick joke run… EVAR!!!

Most of my embarrassing stories come from one source: the place I live, and the people who live in it. Coming from the big city with ginormous buildings and bad traffic, to a town that could very well have been a filming location for Andy Griffith's show in the 60's - many laughs can be had. *cue ‘Green Acres’ theme*

Now if only I knew where to begin…

“That Indiana Jones hat. Where did you get that?”

“Disneyland, officer.”

"…Are you sure?"

Tch. Yes, sir. I walked right into the merchandise section of my local grocery store, and bought millions of Harrison Ford merchandising over by the frozen goods section. The twenty minutes of awkward questioning they spend on me could very well be the same timeslot the Buford ‘Mad Dog’ Tannen and his boys make a getaway in their horses. :P Ungh…

I'd rather not say.


But I will!!!


I have thrown up on myself four days in a row on the bus in elementary school, cried in class because my teacher lost half of my assignments and gave me a C, gone to school without deodorant because I'm retarded, have my hair go crazy (badly) ‘cause it hates me, made an ass of myself multiple times, and typed this paragraph.

But wait-there’s more!

Well there is but I don't want to go into full detail.


To put it frank my life sucks.


A lot.

I recently fell asleep while pooping.

shirkersama
I recently fell asleep while pooping.

!!!!!!!! that's like, if a tree fell in the forest . . . except you told. Funny!

One time when I was in high school, my classmates (male) were doing the whole, “crush an empty soda can on your head” thing. None of them could do it, they all complained it hurt. So I grabbed the can, and said I could do it easily. I crushed the can on my forehead, successfully… then, I started bleeding. Apparently when the aluminum crushed it ripped and a piece of it slashed my head or something.

I didn't feel any pain or anything, but it was obvious I was bleeding. My teacher freaked out beyond belief, and the nurse's office thought I had got into a fight but was lying. What a day that was!

Can't think of any really embarrassing ones right now, I'll post more when I do.
This happened today:
*I notice some sort of tensor bandage on my locker partner's arm*
Me: Oh, what happened to your arm?
Her: The blood in my arm doesn't circulate properly, so I wear that 24/7.
Me: Oh…I never noticed before!

Mostly awkward because I've had the same locker partner for a year and a half. So now I feel like a jerk for bringing it up, and for not noticing earlier. : (

Edit: Thought of another one.
In 8th grade I had a really ridiculous teacher. I was sitting right at the front and center of the classroom one day, in a desk that was too tall for me. One of the ones with the chair attached to it. I leaned over to my friend next to me to make fun of our teacher(I don't remember what I wanted to say, nothing terribly clever) and my entire desk went toppling over with me in it.
Everyone but the teacher thought it was pretty funny.

My friend always laughs at inopportune moments when we're meant to be silent. Someone else was making a speech in a sign language course and I gave him this stare to force him to laugh, because I thought it would be hilarious…

He was totally about to when suddenly I was overcome instead, so in the middle of the completely silent class I was like “pffffFFFFAHAHAHAHAHA!”

It took forever to stop. It was terrible.

Two of my friends and I went to an out of state gaming convention. At one point, they met up with this girl that we all know and they brought her back to the hotel room. After a game I had to use the bathroom at that time I would NEVER use a public toilet to drop a deuce so I went back to the room. My friends wouldn't open the door because the three of them were having sex. So I went away in search of a bathroom. But they were all nasty at the convention hotel so I eventually made my way back to the room. Hearing my plight they agreed to let me in. So I emptied my bowels in what had to be one of my biggest poops ever. And it refused to go down. It just kind of shook in the toilet bowl like an eel threatening to attack to me if I came any closer. And for whatever reason, the hotel doesn't put plungers in their private room bathrooms. So without much choice I had to leave it there for my friends to deal with. But I did give them warning. “I broke the toilet', I said. ‘Okay, we’ll take care of it,” they responded. “No,” I stated,“I BROKE the toilet.” And again they stated, “we'll take care of it.” So I ended up leaving them to their fun. Later on, the friend that ended up dealing with the situation called my leavings ‘a green and brown football’. Somehow he managed to use a beer bottle to shove it down the drain. I never asked for further clarification on that one.

DM Jim

Looking back at my post, I wonder if internet lulziness counts.

I've had my share of being poked at and poking back, with varying results; I think on one occasion, one of the guys had a thing out for me because I either teasingly razzed on him and told him my critique on some of his stuff. One of the stuff was his band that he wanted to get going (my memory's fuzzy as to the actual start of it, but I think this might've been the reason for it - one of them, at least). I guess he wound up getting his buddy over to try and troll me on my old dA as some sort of retaliation. I also kinda mocked his ideas for a fan-fic he wanted to do, and his story pitches for this ‘An American Tail’ cartoon fanimation me and the community wanted to do. His stuff was pretty out there, lol.

I look back at it with a good laugh, though I don't think anything was achieved. We annoyed the hell out of each other, rather than any real direct hit being taken on either side, lol. Was pretty embarrassing to spend two hours repeating jokes on each other and going, “Oh, YEAH?”

Immovable Object versus Irresistible Force. xD No one wins.

Back in college the computer lab had a chat server, which was primarily used for instructors to send messages to students without interrupting class or calling out an individual. You could only talk to another student if you knew their computer's alias on the server. A friend of mine was able to get ahold of a list of the aliases and we goofed off in class. We didn't know these were logged, and had to stand before the communications board president while he read the log, which happened to be a list of ‘Big Dick Jokes.’

Here's something that happened when I was 14.

A screw had popped out of my glasses, the one holding the lens in, and I ended up having to crawl around on the floor looking for it.

It was one of those coarse carpets that scratch your legs up. So it looked impossible. I did find it but I still couldn't wear my glasses for the rest of the day.

So I was down on all fours looking for a black screw on a navy blue carpet, when my teacher got frustrated with it holding up the class. So She bent down, misjudged the distance between us, and I ended up with a face full of white on black polkadot skirt.

For some reason the class didn't laugh. Either they didn't see it or were dumbfounded by it.
I never heard it mentioned later on. So the former probably happened.


There was another incident with my other pair of Specsavers glasses two years later in which the screw popped out, the lens fell out… Right into a toilet.

Luckily I'd only just flushed it and I was able to find the screw.
But I still had to fish the lens out.
I've not bought Specsavers own ever since. Now I only buy optical express or designer.

I wouldn't count the second incident as embarrasing, though.

It was as damn hilarious then as it is now. I was one of the cool kids at my first college, anyway. And I was the only one there. So I would've gotten away with it if I hadn't broadcast it to the world in between fits of manic cursing of Specsavers and retrospective laughter.


… My local opticians is a Specsavers…

At least they've got good opthalmologists (Unlike the ones we used to have.) and their designer ranges are awesome!
I've had my Osiris 704s for two years now, they've been dropped and bent but still fixable and still attract queries! (Why have you labeled them as womens frames, though? They're clearly unisex!)

Heh…

Now don't send the ninjas to kill me, please!

HAHA whoever came up with this topic is GENIUS.
I don`t have many embarrassing moments, mostly blonde moments but one time…

I was walking in a hurry to the skytrain during morning rush hour to school, I was wearing a skirt and some tights.
Feeling confident on a Monday morning I walked with a strong sense of direction towards the entrance of the station.
ANNND tripped forward in a bending down position, knees locked. And proceeded to flash everyone behind me.

That reminds me of a night out a long time ago.

I had been out drinking with friends, was a long session and I was sat with a few friends and saw a girl I had been trying to woo walk by, it was really crowded so I called out and stood up. Or tried to, the alcohol I had ingested had other ideas and I fell flat on my face, somehow taking the table with me.

From calling out bosses to flashing people in public places, this topic has it all! I, too, have something to share - this happened to me recently actually. And I feel it's a rather unusual story that shows that I can pull some pretty stupid stuff.

I've been home for the holidays, and my Mom wanted me to grab something rather quick for me and my brothers to eat. So they settled for Carl's Jr. I decided to swing by after picking up my brother from his last day at school, and we were just chatting the entire time. So I arrive at the destination, move slowly through the drive-through line (so many cars there that day) and finally get to place my order. Now, a couple of the items in that order were specific to Carl's Jr., namely the Crisp Cut fries and the fried zucchini, both of which were in my order. The whole process turned out to be unnerving. “I want one order of fried zucchini, please!” “What?!” “Fried zucchini!” They didn't say anything afterward, but I had to repeat myself several times throughout the order. The whole time I was thinking: “Wow, is this person an idiot? Are they new or something?” I just felt so frustrated the entire time! And then when they repeated the order back to me, half of the stuff was missing! So again, I had to say, “you forgot the fried zucchini!” I remember there being a rather long pause, followed by, “We don't carry that anymore.” At this point I didn't want to deal with it anymore, so most of the items that they ‘didn’t have anymore' were replaced with regular fries. To my horror, however, and when I finally was given the bag of food, it said Wendy's on it. So that entire time I was at the wrong restaurant.

It turns out that the clerk working there must have been pretty clever. I'm sure they realized I was ordering for the wrong place and went along with it. They made it sound like all of the Carl's Jr. stuff they carried at some point, but since then have discontinued it. I blame it all on the fact that the two places are practically next door! I suppose I fail as an American though since I can't get my fast food places right.

Oh man I probably don't have any good ones

Hmmmmm
Well when i was ten my class did a little performance of the Beatle's “Yellow Submarine” I accidentally walked of the stage and into some couple's lap

Then there's the time when two of my friends (who HAD been a couple) walked by me and I told them they were a good couple…but they had broken up.

Well,i'm still young so more stories will probably come when i'm older!
(but i'm allergic to alcohol so i'll never have any funny drunk stories D: )

I can't remember if I already told this one or not:

Where I live, we have a tradition of giving out “birthday licks.” That is, on your birthday, all of your buddies get a free punch (a “lick”) for every year old you've gotten. But then I moved to Cincinnati to attend school and apparently nobody up there has heard of it. So one day in class one of my friends mentioned that today was his birthday and I said something like, “Cool! That means I get to give you birthday licks!” and every head in the room just turned and stared at me in horror. That was pretty mortifying!

I feel it's only appropriate that the title to thread is misspelled.

I worked in the student center over the summer and applied to be held over into the fall. So I showed up for employee orientation in the fall and they read the names but mine wasn't on it. The supervisor took me aside adn asked why I was there.
“But I thought…”
I hadn't learned yet that with answer beginning with the words “But I thought…” YOU'RE WRONG!!!
I wasn't supposed to be there. I had told everyone that I was hired. I dissolved away in a flood tears. I broke down so bad they put me into the university mental health care program which back in 1981 as a 20 year old was even more embarrassing to mention to anyone.

And I haven't gotten any smarter since. Now I just get confirmation of everything endlessly before doing anything.

El Cid
Where I live, we have a tradition of giving out “birthday licks.” That is, on your birthday, all of your buddies get a free punch (a “lick”) for every year old you've gotten. But then I moved to Cincinnati to attend school and apparently nobody up there has heard of it. So one day in class one of my friends mentioned that today was his birthday and I said something like, “Cool! That means I get to give you birthday licks!” and every head in the room just turned and stared at me in horror. That was pretty mortifying!

Where I lived you used to get one person to thump you in the back with a fist for each year. Not a punch, but a full on thwack with the bottom of a clenched hand for a good minute or two while everyone else counted how many of them you got. At the end they'd have a sore hand and you'd probably be halfway towards a couple broken ribs and winded.
It used to be done in fromt of the whole class before health and safety got their oars in and I think it just happens in playgrounds now.

We called them birthday “dumps”.

Once upon a time I posted in an internet cesspool known as the ‘Top Drawer’.

Warning: Contains poop.

I was walking over to visit some friends when… completely to my surprise, I crapped my pants. Really. It was one of those times when you think you need to fart and then… wham. Pants just full of crap. Luckily I was only about two blocks from my apartment.

I walked home as fast as I could, clenching my butt cheeks to keep any more from coming out and trying to ignore the slick, wet sensation that I imagined I could feel in my underwear. At the time I was living in a studio apartment with a shared bathroom located far down the hall (Basically a dorm) Once I was inside the bathroom I stripped off my clothes to survey the damage. Not as bad as I had thought, but still… a pants-load of poop. I hopped into the shower to clean up.

As I was showering I realized two things.

1. I didn't have a towel in the bathroom with me.
2. I didn't have a clean change of clothes (my shirt and socks had caught some “leakage” when I was getting undressed).

My apartment was located at the very end of the hall, so I was facing the prospect of having to flee down 150 feet of carpeted hallway and hope no one saw me.

And then, of course, someone knocked on the shower door. Here's what they said:

“How long are you going to be in there? We need to go to the bathroom!”

Here's what I said:

“ $@*&!!! How many of you are out there?”

“There's three of us. You've been in there forever!”

I was trapped. So I did the only sensible thing I could think of. I wadded up my clothes and threw them out the window and then (dripping wet with only my coat and shoes on) climbed out after them into the rear courtyard. It was raining. And March. My apartment was ground level with a private back door connected to the courtyard, so I was able to get in without anyone seeing me. I got dressed and stepped out into the hall in time to see three guys standing around (two in bathrobes) waiting to use the toilet. I slipped on my coat and ran out the door and over to my friends house, where we played D&D all night.

100% true story.

Jake Richmond
Warning: Contains poop.

I think we have the winner.