In between the kit-kat's delicate wafers you find solace from the burden's you face and from the enuui that your life has become. As you finish the last bite of the kit-kat bar you once again begin to lament your existence. The moment of bliss you felt ended you once again seek the chocolate covered comfort you found in the bar. You buy a packet of them and then devour kit-kat after kit-kat, with each bite their potency lessens. As you bite the last kit-kat you realise they no longer make you happy but just keep you from feeling the undue harshness of reality. With the last kit-kat still in your hand you walk to the balcony. You place the bar in you mouth and jump.

A sword

The sword, sitting on a pedestal, is the envy of your friends. It's cool samurai charm fill them with jealous rage and, inevitably, one of them tries to swipe it from you. He succeeds. When you realise it has been stolen you go after the culprit, who you immediately know has to be Phil Caleachi. But it just so happens Phil Caleachi has flown to Siberia on short notice. You, for some odd reason, follow him. Upon arriving in Siberia you realise the gravity of the situation. Finding Phil with nothing to go on but the fact that he flew to Siberia a few days ago is almost impossible. Giving up the chase, you rent out a hotel room for a few nights, not wanting to waste a plane trip to an exotic location. That night, as you hit the streets, you see a surf shop and, splurging, buy a surfboard. You walk to the cold waves of the beach and mount your board. You catch some amazing Siberian Breaks. Enjoying this sport, you decide to take up surfing when you return home and become a hip and happening surfer dude. On the days when the surf is bad, you skateboard. After many years of practice, You are sponsored by a local skate shop and eventually tour the world showing off your skateboarding skills. Flying to Miami, your plane flies through an incredible cyclone. Not being able to withstand the forces of such an event, the plane plummets to the ground and crashes. 100% death toll.

Invincibility

You are immortal, having complete power but not dying, seeing all you work for fall around you while you still live, the world is destroyed and you still live. Your mind breaks, you are alive, but your mind is dead.

A fedora.

The fedora is actually a projection of a hyper-spatial monster. Thus when you wear this infamous, but stylish hat the monster eats your brains. Sadly you have very little and the monster goes on a roaring rampage and destroys this entire galaxy after .000000000000000000000000000000019000009 milliseconds.

an electron.

Someone misreads what you said and think it's “erection” and kill you for your inappropriateness.

Moon boots.

A hole in your boots causes all the air to be sucked out of your moon suit. You die of suffocation and float georgie… They all float! And then at the end of the book the clown turns out to be a big spider that's fighting a neverending war against a giant turtle that's dragging the world on his back. The tourist then continues travelling untill he reaches the end of the world, there he meets a troll made out of water. later they get picked up by a magically flying carpet kind of thing, alladin then continues his wishes until he becomes a prince and marries the beautiful princess. Later a witch makes the princess live in a tower her hair growing longer and longer until a prince comes and saves her. Shrek then turns out to be a good guy at heart and he saves the whole kingdom, soon after he makes justin timberlake come to the kingdom. Justin timberlake then dances and wears a hat.

Literary influences.

seeing as your literary influences are top shelf magazines you take the influence too far and try to become a porn director. on your first shoot wou will neglect hiring somone to mop up the jism. you slip on a puddle of jism cracking your head open on the tiled floor and while unconscious you drown in a puddle of cum.

My grandmothers false teeth.

Your grandmother unknowingly lives in the house from The Amityville Horror. One of the ghosts in the house possesses her, but her fragile heart can't take the stress, causing her to die, leaving the ghost confined to her false teeth. When you find the body the next morning, you and your family help the coroner move her to the funeral home, only to have her false teeth fall out of her mouth when they unload her onto a gurney on the way to the embalming room. Your father picks up the false teeth, only to have them bite him on the finger. Having tasted human blood, the possessed dentures go into a feeding frenzy and begins flying through the air at blinding speeds, biting people on the neck and tearing open their jugulars in huge sprays of blood. You look in horror as your father, your mother, your sister, and the funeral home workers all lie dead on the floor covered in blood, and look up just in time to see the false teeth as they fly towards your face and bite into your forehead, eating out your brain.

A one-eyed chicken.

The chicken is pissed that you did not vote on Forum fighters, right next door, and so as grim but funny punishment, he pecks your genitals. You die of pain and bloodloss.

Boobies. X3

You're sitting in a bar when you see the most gorgeous woman in you're life, who happens to have a HH cup bra size. After an hour of continuous drinking, you finally work up the courage to go up and talk to her. She's facing away from you when you walk up and say hello, and she turns around, only to have the side of her enormous breast crack you in the side of the head as she turns, hitting you directly in the temple and causing fatal brain trauma. You die instantly. :-p

Nikolas Tesla.

With his supreme control over electricity he would just electrocute you.

Jacl Johnsons anus.

Genejoke
Posting in a thread that hasn't been posted on for over three months.

Genejoke
With his supreme control over electricity he would just electrocute you.

Jacl Johnsons anus.

1. Necroposting is pretty much a big no no in any forum on the internet.
2. Language like that is very much frown upon in any public place, on the internet or in real life.

I strongly recommend you don't make another mistake like this again.

Hey guys.
Let's undermine AQua's mod powers by posting regardless of his post, and continuing to use naughty words like “Bums” and “Willies”.

Just kidding. Let's all forget I ever said anything and simply bask in the knowledge of the above post.

Aqua_ng
2. Language like that is very much frown upon in any public place, on the internet or in real life.

Eh? someone leads a very sheltered life. I appreciate it is a bit crude but compared to much of the language even on this forum it is pretty tame. still point taken but…

Someone
I strongly recommend you don't make another mistake like this again.

calm down.

As for age of the thread… again I appreciate the reasons but I was trying to breath some life into a quiet part of the forum. The thread wasn't even off the first page of the games section

re death by “Jacl Johnsons a***”

The a*** itself was not the culprit but only the gateway for an astounding new branch in the study of renewable resources! Genejoke, ever the pioneer, volunteered to hook up this very gateway to a pipeline located at the local natural gas company. Unfortunately, due to a lapse in judgment (probably from the sleep deprivation incurred by reading girlie magazines for four nights straight), he lit up a perfectly legal tobacco product at The Wrong Time.

Klabooey!!! A conflagration not seen since God's wrath during Old Testament days wiped out half the county.

It was assumed the Genejoke was immediately incinerated, but oddly enough, he was launched into deep space. Cause of death: asphyxiation.

a lovely ostrich feather

You pick the feather up off the ground at an ostrich ranch, not realizing that it belongs to one particular ostrich who's very sensitive about his appearance, and now has a bald spot due to the loss of aforementioned feather. He then sees you holding it, and in a fit of rage, kicks you in the stomach while trying to get it back from you. You're then left rolling on the ground in horrible agony from ruptured intestines until die from internal bleeding.

An empty printer ink cartridge.

Simple your printer runs out when you have worked day and night to finish a paper for uni, you are already stressed and the bloody thing will not come out.
Naturally you apply brute force, when the cartridge comes free you go flying back cartridge in hand, improbably you flip over and land with you hands over your face.

Later when you are found the empty printer cartidge is inside your cranium where it entered through your left eye socket.

Amzingly you are not dead, well not completely but there is no higher brain function. After a long time as a vegetable on a life support machine a cleaner unplugs the by mistake as she buffs the hospital floor. Your body dies soon after.


an X-men comic

It gets flash frozen in liquid nitrogen, then you are clubbed to death with it.

Windex.

You are stealing your neighbors grapes because the vine is crawling over your fence. You sit down to a snack and find that the grapes taste horrible. Your smarty pants friend tells you that those grapes were not for eating. They were for making wine. You have the brilliant idea to make your own wine with your neighbor's grapes. However, you don't use proper wine making procedures and after the aging process, a blue liquid trickles out of the barrel. Against your better judgment you drink a full glass of it in one gulp and fall over dead. It turns out that you had just made back water Windex.

Teddy Bear.

You are carrying a teddy bear for your daughter through a warzone, also with a machine gun, but you trip and the bear gets damaged. You must save it! In a flurry of panic and duct tape, you tape together some extra scrap supplies, the bears remains, trhe machine gun, and somehow a bandada gets in there. With a whirring it rises up and says a groan inducing one liner. It's alive! Freedom Bear is born! However, he identifies you as a commie and guns you down.

Chocolate Chip and Toffee Cookie.

You eat a the said cookie after a messy break up and it is the most amazing comfort food ever and your mouth has an orgasm. You HAVE to have more. You eat every choc chip and toffee cookie you can find and order thousands more, you eat and eat getting fatter than any picture you've soon on the internet. One day you eat one too many and your stomach ruptures, still you keep eating, only the cookies can dull the pain, at least for a few moments before you die.

…an empty void of nothingness sucks you in and wipes you from existence.

A copy of The Sandlot on VHS

You take the vcr out of the basement, dust it off, and plug it in. You put the tape in the machine. You press play and sit down. The opening credits start. They end. The movie begins.

Your eyes begin to slowly melt from the sheer amounts of awful the movie produces.



MacGuyver after being locked in a room with a photocopier and some string.

You are walking down the street minding your own when there is an almightly explosion from the basement of the building you are/were passing. It takes some time but forensics finally deduce that the one and only MacGuyver was trapped in the basement and he made and explosive device from a photocopier and string. Sadly he didn't realise it was lexmark and they are far more explosive than the cannon photocopiers he was used to. They managed to identify macguyver from he dental records… for you they just read the name on what was left of your y fronts.

And how will this kill me?

Upsetting the mods by necroposting

Genejoke
And how will this kill me?

Upsetting the mods by necroposting

Product Placement sees your post. It infuriates him so much that his pure Viking blood is stoked to boiling point and causes him to spontaneously sprout a thick black beard 2 and a half feet in length.
He even shows it to Bjork, but she only manages a wispy foo-man-choo…

Anyway, they grab Gullas and the three of them don polar bear shirts, reindeer trousers, steel helmets (WITHOUT ANY HORNS) and swim all the way across the North Sea to the UK, not stopping for breath or even to go to the toilet. They charge onto land and using their unerring sense of Viking direction (and a GPS built into Gullas's helmet), head straight toward your house with murder in their hearts and red slaughter on their brains…

Glancing out of an upstairs window, you happen to spot them storming up your street. Determined to great them with a hearty, friendly British welcome, you turn of your computer, put your trousers back on and run down the stairs… not noticing a small toy truck sitting forlornly on the 3rd step down.
Your bare foot lands on the poor toy, which skids out from under you, upsetting your balance and pitching you head-first down toward the front door.
…When Bjork, Gullus and Product Placement finally reach your house they find you sitting up rather awkwardly with both your head and your trousers on backwards.
Not breathing.

-A very annoying laugh.

You move into a new apartment and it turns out that the walls are waifer thin and you can hear everything your neighbours are doing. One of said neighbours has a really annoying laugh, and he seems to laugh very loudly constantly. You set doen to record the quackcast and BWAHAHAHAHAHA! interrupts you every few minutes, after a while this really gets on your nerves. When you sleep he wakes you with his boisterous laughter, when you are watching “adult” clips online his laughter steals your thunder. After few weeks it becomes too much and you decide to have it out with your all to amused neighbour. You bang on his door and start shouting without even taking in the fact he is eight foot tall and has arms larger than you are. When you realize your error he looks at your terrified face and laughs really loudly. So loudly it makes your head explode scanners style.



A c- in mathematics.

Yet another 4 AM, love/hate encounter between Oz and sleep. His solid and practiced logic battled renegade brain sparks, sparks insufficient to keep muscles from occasionally pinging with fatigue, but bright enough to prompt one more “what about” and then another, and another . . . Oz felt like an observer to his own mind as curiosity and practicality duked it out, all while the last sounds of night whispered on a pre-dawn breeze. A world within a world within . . . when he gradually realized one sound in particular was not of the night. He heard it distinctly now, a very annoying laugh, but what was its source? And how could such a deep and significantly nasal emission have the ripple of scale that this laugh did? It wasn't stopping, and now there were snorts added in. Gasping, belching snorts among the hyena-like squawks that together climbed the lower keys of pitch into a range of shrill that made one's hair stand on end.
It wouldn't stop, but it must. Where did it come from! Oz began to stagger as he endeavored to search his room for the source. The laugh continued, soaring into the upper decibels of screech. “Unbearable Noise!” was Oz's last thought, as he stood in front of the mirror to see his own head thrown back as he created the ultimate, glass-shattering sound.


public education


Edit: Genejoke!! Well, you were quicker on the draw, but funny how there's similarities.

OK, I'll make another attempt later

Have you seen our school system nowadays?! This thing is deteriorating us to imbeciles. And you know what they say about imbeciles: They have to go into pornography. And you know what they say about people in pornography: The get AIDS. And you know what they say about AIDS: RENT. And you know what they say about RENT: It sucked! And you know what they say about sucking: Blowing! And you know what they say about blowing: The wind does it! And you know what they say about the wind: It blows you off a cliff because you were two dumb to be paying attention that the car was so close to the edge because you were busy going all bowchikawowwow with the guy you picked up on the street (or girl, I'm not picky) and then he told you he was gay and then he started singing and then he sucled and wind and falling an
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! BOOM


Stupid statements like that^


…ANUS
(and that)

Genejoke, a respected scholar if not student in his day, was taunting his mate about being nervous over an upcoming math exam. “Basic algebra!” laughed G., “I haven't looked at the stuff for over a decade and I Could still score higher than you, you piss-pot historian!”

“Well, we can test that theory, when you're not so pissed.”

“We can test it any time you like, pissed or not” exclaimed G.

“Brilliant. Since the prof never re-uses the same exam, I'll ask him to keep an extra copy for you to take after the class does.”

And so G. took the exam an hour after his mate did, and the professor kindly graded it with the class's work, curious about the outcome having heard about the wager. And the scores: the mate received a “C” and Genejoke a “C-”.

“Ha!” laughed the mate, “wanna pint while you eat your words?” Not amused, G. grabbed his graded test and stuffed the whole of it into his mouth, never considering the affect acid-free paper has with saliva production. (Really; who would have imagined that an exam would be copied on acid-free paper). The paper would not mash, but instead became a pulpy film that blanketed - well, you can imagine.

Genejoke choked on his C-.

To get this back on track I better do l337s


You are in the car with some idiot making a stupid statement like that when he drives over the cliff and despite the horrendous crash you survive. In your jubilation you point at his corpse and repeat his stupid statement in a very loud silly voice. the sound on your voice dislodges some loose rocks above, on falls on your head squishing it like a melon.



A rabbit dropping.