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How Will This Kill Me?
ozoneocean at 7:51PM, Feb. 20, 2011
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joined: 1-2-2004
I got a double helping!
We should all be part of a writing masterclass ^___^




Genejoke was happily pottering around in his garden, quietly digging away… he'd gathered quite a pile of fresh, young, bright orange carrots.


Huge engines throbbed sending competing vibrations through the plane and setting Floppsy's big incisor teeth on edge. His ears chafed, uncomfortable under the tight leather flying cap, his sight milky behind the foggy green tinged glass of his protective goggles.
Captain Moppsy began to furiously pump his right paw- the signal for the chaps to get ready for the big jump.
A rough grating sound as the big double doors in the belly of the plane slid open. The noise from the engines grew intolerable, inrushing air freezing furry faces.
The brave bunnies of the 14th airborne bounced in formation out of the dark cavernous interior, toward the bright opening.
Peter leapt first, then lance corporal Sooty, Bunnikins Paddy-Paws III after them.
Floppy's heart in his mouth, bowels tight, he jumped.

The sound of the big plane faded quickly, replaced with a hurricane rush buffeting his narrow head. Clenching tummy gave up the struggle and brave Floppsy released a brown pellety bombardment. -Luckily rabbit flightsuits don't include bottoms.

Feeling lighter and fresher, Floppsy yanked the parachute cord. With a solid, clothy bang the chute opened above him. The world grew suddenly quiet. There was nothing left to do now but enjoy the view and wait till the ground caught up with him.

He could see Bunnikins swooping down in an awkward arc toward a tangle of power lines. There was Peter Rabbit's parachute draped messily over a copse of trees, and there a lance corporal Sooty shaped hole in the top of someone's roof…

Bunnikins glided to a safe landing in the middle of a lovely green park. He gathered his chute, stripped off his flying gear and started burrowing furiously, Capitan Mopsy's pre-jump briefing firmly in his mind. This would be a glorious invasion for bunnykind!


MEANWHILE, Genejoke paused in his busy gardening to look up at the pretty clouds in the clear blue sky and wipe the sweat from his brow with a grubby soil stained hand.

But hark. What's that funny whistling noise?

Looking up higher Genejoke fancied he saw a speck of some sort… Getting larger? The whistling was certainly getting louder!
No, it's not a speck… lots of specks?
His mouth dropping open in surprise staring straight up into the sky, Genejoke could only blink in shock as the brown fusillade hit him full in the face. Frozen pellets smacked against cheeks and eyelids stingingly, hitting the bridge of his nose and making his closed eyes water, one pinged off of his teeth, ricocheted off the roof of his mouth, bounced down his throat and lodged in his windpipe.

Genejoke lurched over, tried to draw in breath, but none would come. He coughed and spluttered, trying vainly with his fast failing strength to dislodge the foreign particle… but to no avail.

Sight and sound dimmed and slowly faded altogether, so he was deaf to the sound of lance corporal Sooty and failed chute crashing through the roof and top floors of his house and blind to the arcing flash as Bunnikins Paddy-Paws III connected with nearby power lines, blacking out the entire superb, even as Genejoke's own life was blacked out.

—Here ends Genejoke, killed by a rabbit dropping—

(two choking deaths in a row… Poor Genejoke needs to learn to keep his mouth closed)

A stain
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:37PM
Dave7 at 5:48PM, March 13, 2011
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posts: 500
joined: 9-6-2007
Ozone was busy cleaning his kitchen one evening. After scrubbing the floor for an hour, he noticed the single persistant stain that had refused to come up. Grabbing a mop, a rag, and several bottles of clorox, he prepared to get to work.

Meanwhile, the Great Stained Ones, Those of Much Greasiness, They Who Know No Cleanliness, looked upwards through the portal they had finally opened. They knew not where it led to to, nor did they care. Escape from their cold dark realm was the only thing on their collective mind.

Ozone leaned over the stain and pumped the clorox bottle several times when he was suddenly rewarded with a spray of black, oily sputum to the face. He recoiled and wiped his eyes as he stepped back. When he could see again, he didn't notice that the stain had suddenly grown much larger and was now rippling like water in pool. All he noticed was the large, black dripping THING standing before him. As he met the creature's gaze he grabbed the sides of his head and screamed as his mind began to unravel and he fell to the ground, his brain leaking out of his ears and nose. The Great Stained Ones had claimed their first victim; their invasion of our world had begun.


Techno Music
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“That is not dead can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons death may die.”
~H.P. Lovecraft

last edited on July 14, 2011 12:09PM
gullas at 10:14PM, March 28, 2011
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posts: 2,308
joined: 11-14-2007
Dave7 was minding his own business when suddenly he saw a flyer advertising a disco later that very same evening. As a recovering disco fanatic from the 70's Dave7 was actually torn, should he try to keep himself free and clean from the disco divas or dominate the dance floor like in the old times?
So he decided to blow off some steam and head outside for a quick walk. Little did he know that he unintentionally walked right to the building were the disco was being held. Oh the great marvelous base melodies, accompanied by sassy fiddle sound and the simple yet complicated 4/4 bars were filling Dave's senses. He then lost all control, suddenly ripped off his clothes and was suddenly wearing John Travolta's iconic white suit from Saturday Night Fewer. He stormed the club, took control over the whole dance floor, while the sound of “More Than A Woman” made all the women in the club loose their senses.
As the song concluded and Dave7 admired his workmanship, the dj put on some kind of abomination. Four beat computer-generated, 120bpm drums followed by deep unorginal baseline accompanied by some kind of multi tracked synth-sounding melody and autotuned singing by this eastern-european singer filled the floor. People started dancing like crazy, lazors bursting through the ceiling, fog machines going wild and horrible amount of glowsticks suddenly appeared. Dave7 was so shocked that he froze in his place, tripped and stomped by the ecstasy craving crowd to his untimely death.

Candle wax
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:40PM
BffSatan at 10:41PM, March 28, 2011
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posts: 1,478
joined: 3-2-2008
“I dare you to drink all this candle wax!” Said BffSatan.
“You're on,” retorted Gullas before drinking all the candle wax.
Not only was his insides burnt, and his digestive system was completely blocked; but the hardened wax clung to Gullas's stomach and intestinal walls, ripping them apart.
Gullas bleed to death from the inside.

A can of ferrofluid.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:21AM
Genejoke at 4:41AM, March 29, 2011
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posts: 3,099
joined: 4-9-2010
After a heavy night drinking you drink a can of Ferrofluid by mistake and it strangley tastes awesome. So you drink more and more until you are sweating the stuff.

Later that day you go out and make the mistake of visiting a science expo where many super powerful magnets are in use. At first you feel slight tugging from within but as you get closer to the pulling starts coming from several directions and the very quickly increase in intensity.

Within seconds you are pulled into unnatural shapes by the ferrofluid within, the sound it makes is very squishy.


An iphone.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:34PM
OnlyFoolsAndVikings at 5:33PM, April 6, 2011
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posts: 549
joined: 5-25-2010
While conversing happily on his iPhone, Genejoke strolled down the street with a happy spring in his step while he gaffawed on his cellular phone. Whilst walking and talking animatedly to his friend over the phone, a gang of thugs come up and surround him. He blinks, lowers the phone and says: “UH…. hi?” The gang of thugs are obviously bad, their trousers are hanging around near their knees, and from somwhere ominous music is playing. One of the Gangsters points to Genejoke's iPhone and says: “Chu gonna gimme that without a fight, or we gonna have to take it off yo' corpse, brah?”

Little did the gagnster know that Genejoke was actually a highly skilled martial artist, and was in fact, the lesser known Perriwinkle Power Ranger. His eyes narrowed, he dropped his iPhone onto the pavement, he took up a stance and launched himself at the gangsters while they made various cries of “AWW BRO, MAH THREADS BRO, YO' TRASHIN' MAH THREADS!”

In a flurry of fists and cheap 70's sound effects, four gagnsters lay in a crumpled and bloody heap on the pavement. Genejoke turned to walk away, but slipped on his fallen iPhone, smashed his head on the sidewalk and died. He was reported to have said: “I… I should have gotten myself a cover for my phone.. .that way… aaagghhh… it wouldn't have been such a dangerous slipping hazard…”


a turtle
of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I STROKE MY MOUSTACHE IN A SUGGESTIVE MANNER!
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:21PM
Krimzoon at 4:42PM, May 28, 2011
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posts: 4
joined: 5-28-2011
you bought a turtle called Brian, Brian was the best turtle you ever had. But one day Brian was mad, you forgot to give him his lunch and he wanted to make sure, you'd never forget his lunch ever again. you where cleaning the outside of your precious swimming pool. Brian crawled out the door just as you finished cleaning. Brian grabbed a broom which was in his mouth and walked towards you. The broom handle caused you to fall back into the pool and you smashed your head on the swimming pool floor which caused you to become unconscious and you drowned.


a naked one eyed clown
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:22PM
Dave7 at 6:31PM, June 1, 2011
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posts: 500
joined: 9-6-2007
You're at your little brother's birthday party and a clown shows up. You suddenly realize that it's really the re-animated corpse of John Wayne Gacy who for some strange reason is wearing an eye-patch. Leaping into action, you grab the nearby baseball bat that was to be used to break open the pinata later on in the party and begin beating the criminal zombie clown in the head repeatedly until he finally goes down. You stand over his corpse, breathing heavily out of exhaustion when the body suddenly stirs and the evil undead clown bites you in the foot. You resume smashing with the bat until there's nothing but a red pile of slush where his head used to be. It's then that you realize that your feet are growing larger and your skin is assuming a pallad white color, and you realize with horror that you've been infected. Panicking, you try to run into the house to grab the revolver you keep in a lockbox under your bed so you can put a bullet in your head before it's too late, but your feet have grown so large that you can't move fast enough. You collapse to the ground and your heart stops beating. Minutes later you rise up, the first of the turned of the zombie clown apocalypse.


A hypercaffienated Lewis Black
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“That is not dead can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons death may die.”
~H.P. Lovecraft

last edited on July 14, 2011 12:09PM
ayesinback at 10:20AM, June 6, 2011
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posts: 2,013
joined: 8-23-2010
Your buddy scored tickets to a comedy festival headlining Lewis Black. Even though you can recite every Black routine word for word, you are psyched, thinking that he might have come up with some new material.

But when the night arrives and you're in the first row, having skipped every other performance so you can get a great seat, you find Black is going through his oldies-but-goldies. Still, you don't really mind, and you decide to go ahead and recite along.

Black hears you, but doesn't realize it's you. He's totally jet-lagged from this tour, and is running, literally running, off the fumes from nine Red Bulls that he downed in the last hour and a half. He thinks his mouth isn't keeping up with his mind, and he tries to get the two into gear. First he runs back and forth across the stage, but that doesn't work.

Then he starts speaking really fast, but you know it so well, you can keep up the quick speak. So then he starts whipping his microphone around in a giant circle, almost like he's going to lasso something.

And he does. He loses his grip - the mike cord flies out into the audience and wraps around your neck. Lewis can't believe that he lost his mike, so he tugs on the cable, and breaks your neck.

ouchies - but it was fast.


Tinnitus
under new management
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:14AM
Genejoke at 1:41PM, Nov. 2, 2011
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posts: 3,099
joined: 4-9-2010
Tinnitus is annoying, acute tinnitus is fucking annoying.  You get severe acute mega nuclear tinnitus and there are no words to describe how horrid it is.  More accurately there are but you cannot think of them as the turbo nuke tinnitus turns your brain to mush and it dribbles out of your nose.  Without the brain doing its thing your body stops breathing.  THE END.
The drunk duck awards,
PPPchairman at 8:11PM, Feb. 24, 2012
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posts: 101
joined: 7-16-2009
After so much hard work and time being pumped into his comic Dave7 is nominated for the drunkduck awards best overall webcomic. The outcome is close but thanks to one vote he loses to you. His mind now broken he finds your address using his super computer hacking skills and sends you a “Here's to Your Victory” muffin. Which being a starving artist you eat heartily…but little did you know he filled the muffin with a hamster who upon reaching your stomach claws his way out of the muffin and chews his way to your heart and then gives it the longest hug in the world cutting off the blood supply to your body.
 
My toothbrush.
Corruption at 3:21AM, Jan. 11, 2013
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posts: 24
joined: 5-30-2007
The bacteria from your mouth gathers on your toothbrush, which is never properly clean. It mutates, creating a supervirus that mutates the people it infects, and you die by being eaten alive by what used to be a male stripper, a Elvis Impersonator, and a catgirl (in both meanings of the word)
A wet paper bag.
We are all corrupt in our own ways

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