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Hysterical History Papers
Walrus at 5:10PM, April 23, 2008
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The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

-Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

-Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

-Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

-The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

-Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

-In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TVnow.

-Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul . The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out “Same to you, Brutus.”

-Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

-ueen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “Hurrah!” and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

-It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

-Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

-The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

-Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

-Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

-Abraham Lincoln became America ‘s greatest Precedent. Lincoln ’s Mother died in infancy, and he was born in log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

-On the night of April 14, 1865 , Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.This ruined Booth's career.

-Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German,half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

-Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

-Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits, but I don't know why.

-Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if itwas really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours, but without watches, who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

-Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

-Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

 
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:45PM
Custard Trout at 7:20PM, April 23, 2008
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I don't see what's so hysterical about them. Unless you mean hysterically funny, which is also incorrect because these are more depressing than they are funny.
Hey buddy, you should be a Russian Cosmonaut, and here's why.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:00PM
Frostflowers at 1:19AM, April 24, 2008
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They're about as depressing as what I just read in a history magazine - apparently, a lot of British teenagers believe that Winston Churchill is fictional, while Sherlock Holmes is real. o.O

Face, meet palm. I'm sure you'll like each other.
The Continued Misadventures of Bonebird - a poor bird's quest for the ever-elusive and delicious apples.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:31PM
kyupol at 6:28AM, April 24, 2008
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lmao!!! make a video then read it aloud. lol! Its even funnier.


NOW UPDATING!!!
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:26PM
HippieVan at 4:33PM, April 24, 2008
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Haha! My favourite is the one about Socrates' career declining after his death.

And I don't find those depressing, those are just the kind of things kids write on test after forgetting/not caring enough to study for a test. I'm a straight A student but there's been the odd test question where I wrote something ridiculous in the hopes I would at least get a half mark for having written something.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 12:48PM
Eirikr at 9:55PM, April 24, 2008
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I love the one about Beethoven. I never knew he invented Rock and roll.


I'm being sarcastic, people.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:20PM
Skullbie at 10:48PM, April 24, 2008
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“and he was born in log cabin which he built with his own hands”
Hhahaha xD
But some of these kids were playing around…c'mon…
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:45PM
Product Placement at 3:01AM, April 25, 2008
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I loved the one with Moses and his commandos.
Those were my two cents.
If you have any other questions, please deposit a quarter.
This space for rent.
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:49PM
SuperBiasedMan at 11:59AM, April 26, 2008
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Frostflowers
They're about as depressing as what I just read in a history magazine - apparently, a lot of British teenagers believe that Winston Churchill is fictional, while Sherlock Holmes is real. o.O

Face, meet palm. I'm sure you'll like each other.

I'm going to have to quote an irish comedian on this:

'If you ask teenagers a question for a survey they'll lie. To get a real answer, ask them, hit them, then ask again.'
cosBIf you've done trigonometry, like me, you smile at this.
Then realise what you've done and die a little inside.
No need to thank me for that. :D
Now read this: http://www.drunkduck.com/Super_Biased_Man/index.php?p=395506
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:04PM
diana_m at 11:47AM, April 27, 2008
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Yum biscuits and Arc steak.
But it's kinda dangerous to trow java.Especialy if it's hot.
Now seriously,in an English test our teacher asked us to write a text about what happened in our dream holidays.I said I went to japan,ate Ramen every meal,threw the president of sony of a balcony and stole a copy of super smash bros brawl.

I got an A+.
./\_/\ I'm a wolf.
/.o.o\ I ate the bunny.
\..o../ It was tasty.
..v.v..

last edited on July 14, 2011 12:10PM
bravo1102 at 11:36AM, April 29, 2008
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Abraham Lincoln freed the Slavs with the Emasculation Proclamation or was it the Ejaculation Prostateation?

This led to the Cold War with the Russians.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:32AM

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