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If you could re-tool a GREAT moie to make it bad, how would you do it?
ozoneocean at 7:00PM, Dec. 1, 2010
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Inspired by the retool movie thread where people talk about making films better, how would you make a great film bad?

Gladiator-
-The gladiators would fight using samurai swords and kungfu.
-Sporticus from Lazy Town would be Russell Crowe's final opponent, but they can't find him when it comes to the end battle… So they ask the slaves to identify him or they will be killed. Sporticus says “I am Sporticus!” but then all the puppets (the mayor, Stingy etc.) and Stephanie stand up one after the other and say “I am Sporticus!”, “No, I am Sporticus!”
-Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town is the emperor.
-All the emperor's guards and fellow Romans would have names taken from Monty Python's Life of Brian (Bigus Dickus etc.)
-Charlton Heston should've been in it, as god.
-There should be a chariot race where the chariots explode when they crash.
-Oliver Reed's character has a case of the farts.
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:37PM
bravo1102 at 7:54PM, Dec. 1, 2010
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Star Wars a New Hope.

Add dragons. Make Jedi more like samurai and have Toshiro Mifune play Obi-Wan. Darth Vader would be a bald guy who likes to pet cats all the time. Han Solo would be Doug McClure as a cranky old bush pilot with a fat guy in a Brooklyn Dodgers cap left over from a World War II movie as his side kick. (Ernest Borgnine would be perfect!)
Have all the model work done like it was in 2001 with very slow but entirely realistic space movement and classical music playing.
And no light sabers they have real swords, in fact those ridiculous HUGE swords so popular among anime and manga heroes.

The Death Star would be changed into a giant evil dragon rather than a satellite.

And Moff Tarkin would be replaced with Hedly Lamar from Blazing Saddles and Leia would be wearing the bikini and chains throughout but she'd be played by Susan Anton.

Fortunately we really don't have to make this movie because the Italians did tons of bad take-offs back in the 1970s.

last edited on July 14, 2011 11:34AM
Genejoke at 11:36PM, Dec. 1, 2010
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The crow.

directed by uwe boll with the lead role played by eminem

when he comes back eric draven seeks revenge by spouting everything in a rap and getting his revenge with clever word play. he defeats the big bad guy (played by meatlof) by making him see the error of his ways with a particularly profound rap mysteriously accompanied by bryan adams.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:33PM
DAJB at 12:00AM, Dec. 2, 2010
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2001: A Space Odyssey

Just as the Discovery One space ship is approaching the floating monolith, Dave Bowman realises it's not full of stars. It's full of fighter ships! They stream out of the monolith and begin raking the sides of the Discovery with gunfire. All those fuel tanks along the sides explode one after the other!

In a desperate bid to escape, Bowman climbs into one of the EVA pods and launches himself at the attacking ships. Fortunately HAL has had the foresight to equip the pod with guns, one in each of its extendable claws, so it charges at the ships, spiralling wildly and with both guns blazing like a John Woo action hero.

Despite shooting down several attackers, the pod is eventually hit and, out of control, it collides with one of the attackers. Looking through the pod window Bowman can just see into the attacking ship's cockpit and catch a glimpse of the pilot. It's one of the apes from the prologue!

Realising the apes intend to reclaim the Earth, Bowman mutters through gritted teeth: "Get your stinking paws off my planet you damn dirty ape!

This is the cue for HAL to break into a chorus of ”Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do“ which, the apes having highly developed musical tastes that can only appreciate classical music played in space, causes their heads to explode. The monolith collapses in on itself and is never seen again.

Bowman pilots the EVA pod back to the crippled remains of Discovery and sets course back for Earth. As he places himself into suspended animation for the return journey, HAL says: ”You know, Dave, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

last edited on July 14, 2011 12:04PM
Faliat at 4:51AM, Dec. 2, 2010
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The Dark Knight

1. Cast Mark Hamill as the joker (You'd have to see him dressed as a nurse) and Gary Busey as Two Face.

2. Bring back the bat nipples.

3. Have the prisoners blow up the civillian boat immediately. Erasing all dramatic tension.

4. Replace the score with looped J-pop.

5. Have Gillbert Gottfried narrate it.

Call that jumped up metal rod a knife?
Watch mine go straight through a kevlar table, and if it dunt do the same to a certain gaixan's skull in my immediate vicinity after, I GET A F*****G REFUND! BUKKO, AH?!

- Rekkiy (NerveWire)
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:25PM
ozoneocean at 6:15AM, Dec. 2, 2010
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DAJB
2001: A Space Odyssey
This just goes to show your skill as a writer- even though the idea is horrendous, you actually make it sound really cool.
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:37PM
DAJB at 7:44AM, Dec. 2, 2010
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ozoneocean
DAJB
2001: A Space Odyssey
This just goes to show your skill as a writer- even though the idea is horrendous, you actually make it sound really cool.
Think Platinum might be interested? ;-)
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:04PM
Product Placement at 8:10AM, Dec. 2, 2010
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bravo1102
Star Wars a New Hope.

Add dragons.
Oh? You mean like this? lol!



But in all seriousness, that movie was terrible. It is so painfully obvious that the author of the book itself was so heavily influenced by Star Wars that he essentially ripped off the entire storyline from New Hope (written when he was 16). Fact is, he actually did a good job doing it but that did not translate very well into the movie.

Also, fun fact: The magic language in this book is largely Icelandic. Apparently the author was browsing the web for a good word to represent “fire” and found “Brísingur”, which is an old outdated Nordic word for fire. He loved that word so much that he framed his entire collection of magic words around that language.

Hmm… I really should contribute…



The “improved” version of:




People would find it too traumatic to see the boat sink so instead Leonardo DiCaprio, along with his trusted girlfriend find a way to stop the leak.

How?

By driving the car that they found in the cargo bay, through the hallways of the ship in an exciting action paced action scene of actioness and then wedge it in the hole. The workers cheer on our hero as he kisses his girl in the shower that's coming from the residual spray that is emitting from the now otherwise firmly sealed leak.

DiCaprio is hailed as the hero that he is when the captain awards him with a meddle during a grand ceremony on the deck and then proceeds to marry the lovely couple. The overly jealous ex-finance interrupts the wedding during the “speak up or forever hold your silence” part only to admit that he now sees the error of his ways and sheds a tear when he grants his blessings.

Everyone lives happily ever after.

Even that rapping dog that was shoehorned into the animated version of the movie.



…that also becomes the end credit song.
Those were my two cents.
If you have any other questions, please deposit a quarter.
This space for rent.
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:53PM
Genejoke at 2:15AM, Dec. 3, 2010
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Misery

Cast Vanessa hudgens in the cathy bates role and Jean claude van damme in the james caan role.

van dam plays himself and hudgens is his biggest fan, she kidnaps him and tell him she wants to co star with him in a stagemusical. she tortures him with making him watch high school musical(all of them) and Glee, she also sings at him a lot.

he eventually agree's in a cunning plan to escape and during the dramatic first showing he attacks her and sings about pure musical style.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:33PM
itsjustaar at 5:35AM, Dec. 3, 2010
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'Back to the Future'

- Miscast the original cast with people with often-mocked acting styles; for example: Christopher Walken as Doctor Emmett Brown: “I'm think-ing… Marty. *quick breath* I'm think-en, if you're gonna be building, see… a TIME… machine, y'know, it's gotta – it's gotta be stylish… y'know what I mean, kid–It's like… classy, somethin'—….. good, somethin'—” (Others include Merryl Streep overacting as Lorraine Baines McFly, Joe Pesci as Marty's dad , or Keanu Reeves as Marty)

- Replace the time-traveling DeLorean with a time-traveling zamboni. 'When this baby hits 88 miles per hour…! IF it (EVER) hits EIGHTY-EIGHT MILES PER HOUR…!' Don't forget poorly CGI'd special effects. Firecrackers when the time-travel effect is achieved.

- Heavy emphasis on techno and house music, despite being ill-appropriate for 1955… or even 1985.

- Dinosaurs. Everyone likes dinosaurs. Put them in at random intervals eating various characters for no real explicit reason. One of them has a rainbow afro. Heh.
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last edited on July 14, 2011 1:05PM
mlai at 6:19PM, Dec. 3, 2010
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DAJB
2001: A Space Odyssey
It's all about Manly Spirit!

FIGHT current chapter: Filling In The Gaps
FIGHT_2 current chapter: Light Years of Gold
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:07PM
blindsk at 12:39PM, Dec. 4, 2010
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ozoneocean
Gladiator-
-The gladiators would fight using samurai swords and kungfu.
-Sporticus from Lazy Town would be Russell Crowe's final opponent, but they can't find him when it comes to the end battle… So they ask the slaves to identify him or they will be killed. Sporticus says “I am Sporticus!” but then all the puppets (the mayor, Stingy etc.) and Stephanie stand up one after the other and say “I am Sporticus!”, “No, I am Sporticus!”
-Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town is the emperor.
-All the emperor's guards and fellow Romans would have names taken from Monty Python's Life of Brian (Bigus Dickus etc.)
-Charlton Heston should've been in it, as god.
-There should be a chariot race where the chariots explode when they crash.
-Oliver Reed's character has a case of the farts.


Oh no! My favorite movie is now ruined! ;)

However, I do like the bit about the samurai swords.

Se7en

- Keep the cast, but rotate the characters. Morgan Freeman will take on Kevin Spacey's role, Pitt will replace Freeman, and Spacey will be the snide detective. Oh, and Paltrow will be replaced by Jennifer Love Hewitt.

- Instead of focusing on the seven deadly sins, the killings will be done next to the seven wonders of the world. This means hours of exposition will be necessary to keep a story flow going. This will include intermittent scenes between the crimes where the protagonists enjoy each others company marveling at the tourist appeal of each location.

- Kevin Bacon will make an appearance…somewhere.

- The killer's apartment, when finally discovered, will be extremely normal save for a tackboard where the killer puts up postcards of himself with the dead body of his victim, the wonder in the background. Of course, his face will be scratched out.

- Instead of dramatically entering a firm with blood-stained hands, he will instead meet the detectives at a coffee shop, be extremely excited about something, and says he wants to “show” them something.

- The final killing will be at the Great Pyramids. And the final scene will go a little something like this: “What's in the box?” “The Book of the Dead (the killer is talking). You will use me as a sacrifice along with the book to bring back your dead wife. Who happens to be buried in the deep, Egyptian tombs. Of course, the tricky part is finding her corpse!”
“What's the point of all this, why are you doing this?”
"Don't you see? I will be remembered for the work I have done today. I will be the one that kills your wife and brings her back to life. See what I did there?"

- This will then end to credits, indicating an inevitable sequel that will not star the original cast.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:25AM
mlai at 7:29PM, Dec. 4, 2010
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I thought the killer was going to transform into a hunky Ancient Egyptian priest ranting about how the detective's wife is the reincarnation of Anku Su Namun, and then we'll have a climactic finale featuring swashbuckling and toppling pyramids.

FIGHT current chapter: Filling In The Gaps
FIGHT_2 current chapter: Light Years of Gold
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:07PM
bravo1102 at 3:13AM, Dec. 6, 2010
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Product Placement
bravo1102
Star Wars a New Hope.

Add dragons.
Oh? You mean like this? lol!




You got the reference. I was orignally just going to describe Eragon all the way through but decided to go with a fun 1970's recasting.

Gone with the Wind

Recast Rhett Butler with Basil Rathbone. “Frankly my dear Scarlett it is elementary.”





The joke here was that Basil Rathbone was Margaret Mitchell's idea for the role.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:34AM
itsjustaar at 3:59AM, Dec. 6, 2010
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Basil Rathbone for the win. I'd say Robert Downey Jr. is a respectable effort beside him, if not one of the other best interpretations.

=-= on topic =-=

I would ruin the new ‘Star Trek’ film by putting Shatner back in the main lead, despite being forty or so odd years older than everyone else. As I knew many few who went to see it just for Pine and Quinto alone (though surprisingly a few of them were Trekkies), this probably would have given the film a deep drop in receipts. D:

Maybe make all the ships made out of cardboard and flimsy material.
“Keeping Up with Thursday” - Updated Every 3 Days!
“ZombieToons Must Die” - hiatus. D:
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:05PM
blindsk at 2:48PM, Dec. 8, 2010
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mlai
I thought the killer was going to transform into a hunky Ancient Egyptian priest ranting about how the detective's wife is the reincarnation of Anku Su Namun, and then we'll have a climactic finale featuring swashbuckling and toppling pyramids.

You're right, that should've been the ending! The most epic disaster of an ending ever! I mean, what sort of movie would possibly want that to serve as their dramatic climax to an unnecessarily long, drawn out plot?! ;)
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:25AM
mlai at 9:05PM, Dec. 8, 2010
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Before I watched Eragon, I had thought that the Dragon would be the Girl. Y'know, she transforms. That would have at least added some chemistry. As it is, the main character's relationship with both the Dragon and the Girl are entirely superfluous.

Either that, or that dark-haired antihero kid should have been the main character. At least he had a damned good reason. The blonde kid main character is… zero dimensional. 100% author-wank Mary-Sue.

But then, I was expecting something good from a teenager who writes tripe? Of course not. We already know that there is no justice in the current American literary world.

FIGHT current chapter: Filling In The Gaps
FIGHT_2 current chapter: Light Years of Gold
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:07PM
EssayBee at 10:10AM, Dec. 13, 2010
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“The Sound of Music” with Miley Cyrus as Maria. Plus, to make it hip and appeal to a younger audience, all songs will be hip-hop remixes of the originals with heavy auto-tuning.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:22PM
bravo1102 at 10:03PM, Dec. 13, 2010
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Mel Brooks' The Producers (1968)

Change the faux play to Springtime for Mussolini. Have Rod Steiger as Belisystok and Dustin Hoffman as Leo Blum. Fernando Lamas would be the playwrite which would have to be a broad Italian spoof but played very woodenly as Lamas was famous for.

The studio wanted it to be Springtime for Mussolini and Dustin Hoffman was almost the playwrite. However, Mel Brooks' wife (Anne Bancroft) got Hoffman to audition for the movie she was doing (The Graduate) and Victor French auditioned in character, in costume and was Franz Liebkind and the rest is movie history.

Alternatively to save the movie version of the Broadway musical just have Brooks direct it. (He couldn't due to Anne Bancroft's terminal illness)

Come on be a smartie, come on join the Nazi Party!
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:34AM

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