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Monty python rules.
Aurora Moon at 12:49AM, April 14, 2006
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Horace– by monty python

Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace,
He just sat down and ate his face.
“We can't have this his Dad declared,
”If that lad's ate, he should be shared.“
But even as he spoke they saw
Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes…
”Stop him someone!“ Mother cried
”Those eyeballs would be better fried!“
But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong…
”Oh! foolish child!“ the father mourns
”You could have deep-fried that with prawns,
Some parsley and some tartar sauce…“
But H. was on his second course:
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue;
”To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's going to scoff the lot!“
His Mother cried: ”What shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew…"
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay: a boy no more,
Just a stomach, on the floor…
None the less, since it was his
They ate it – that's what haggis is.


:lol:
I'm on hitatus while I redo one of my webcomics. Be sure to check it out when I'n done! :)
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:09AM
Terminal at 7:58AM, April 14, 2006
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posts: 5,505
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The FCC song was great.

.: Myxomatosis :.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:09PM
Jillers at 3:49PM, April 14, 2006
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posts: 236
joined: 3-7-2006
Immanual Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table

David Hume could out consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed


John Stuart Mill, of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram

And Rene’ Descartes was a drunken fart
“I drink, therefore I am”

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed
——————-
From The Hollywood Bowl -
Albatross Woman - John Cleese
Man with Hat - Terry Jones

Albatross Woman:
Albatross! Albatross! Albatross! You're not supposed to be smoking that! Albatross! Don't take them!

American:
What flavor is it? What flavor is it?

Albatross Woman:
Seagullsickle! Pelican-bonbon! Albatross!

Man with hat:
Could I have… Could I have two icecreams, please?

Albatross Woman:
I haven't got any icecreams, I just got this albatross!

Man with hat:
Uh…

Albatross Woman:
Albatross!

Man with hat:
Uh, what flavor is it?

Albatross Woman:
Well, it is an albatross, isn't it? There's no bloody flavor! Albatross!

Man with hat:
There's gotta be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor…

Albatross Woman:
All right, all right! It's bloody albatross flavor! Bleedin' seabird, bleedin' flavor! Albatross!

Man with hat:
Do you get wafers with it?

Albatross Woman:
Of course you don't have fucking wafers with it, you cunt! It's a fucking albatross, I mean…

Graham Chapman:
Stop that! Stop that! It's filthy! Hold on! Right now, we need you! The one in the black, we need you for another skit on stage. And you, get off! You're not even a proper woman!

Albatross Woman:
Don't you oppress me, mate!

Graham Chapman:
What are you trying to do? Avoid registration or something?

Albatross Woman:
Bleedin' sexist!
—-
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:08PM
Coydog at 6:40PM, April 14, 2006
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posts: 73
joined: 1-6-2006
Praline Hello, I wish to register a complaint…Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper What do you mean, miss?
Praline Oh I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Shopkeeper Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper Oh yes, the, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Shopkeeper No, no, it's resting, look!
Praline Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper No no sir. it's not dead. It's resting!
Praline Resting?
Shopkeeper Yeah, remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?
Praline The plumage don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper No, no - it's just resting!
Praline All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper (jogging the cage) There, it moved!
Praline No, he didn't. That was you pushing the cage!
Shopkeeper I did not.
Praline Yes, you did! (takes parrot out of cage, shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against the counter) Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper No, no. It's stunned.
Praline Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper It's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on it's back! Beautiful bird, lovely plumage!
Praline Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.
Praline Look matey (picks up the parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Shopkeeper It's not, it's pining!
Praline It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper Well, I'd better replace it, then.
Praline (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper (pause) I got a slug.
Praline Does it talk?
Shopkeeper Not really, no.
Praline Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Praline Bolton eh?
Shopkeeper Yeah.
Praline All right.
He leaves, holding the parrot.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:47AM
billyleake at 12:04PM, April 15, 2006
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Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great,
whenever one is wasted
god gets quite irate.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:22AM
marine at 2:20PM, April 15, 2006
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Every sperm is sacred.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:51PM
Jillers at 4:05PM, April 15, 2006
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posts: 236
joined: 3-7-2006
The Four Yorkshiremen

Eric Idle:
Very fussable, isn't it? Very fussable.

All:
Right, all right.

Graham Chapman:
Good glass of ChÆ’teau de Chasselas, ain't just that, sire?

Terry Jones:
Oh, you're right there, Obadiah.

Graham Chapman:
Right.

Eric Idle:
Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Chaselet, eh?

All:
Aye, aye.

Michael Palin:
Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

Graham Chapman:
Right! A cup of cold tea!

Michael Palin:
Right!

Eric Idle:
Without milk or sugar!

Terry Jones:
Or tea!

Michael Palin:
In a cracked cup and all.

Eric Idle:
Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!

Graham Chapman:
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

Terry Jones:
But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.

Michael Palin:
Because we were poor!

Terry Jones:
Right!

Michael Palin:
My old dad used to say to me: “Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!”

Eric Idle:
He was right!

Michael Palin:
Right!

Eric Idle:
I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumbled-down house with great big holes in the roof.

Graham Chapman:
House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twentysix of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Terry Jones:
You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!

Michael Palin:
Oh, we used to dream of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace to us! We used to live in an old watertank on a rubbish tip. We'd all woke up every morning by having a load of rotten fish dumped all over us! House, huh!

Eric Idle:
Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!

Graham Chapman:
We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!

Terry Jones:
You were lucky to have a lake! There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!

Michael Palin:
A cardboard box?

Terry Jones:
Aye!

Michael Palin:
You were lucky! We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a septic tank! We used to have to go up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week, and when we got home, our dad would slash us to sleep with his belt!

Graham Chapman:
Luxury! We used to have to get up out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot grubble, work twenty hours a day at mill, for two pence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!

Terry Jones:
Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the shoebox in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold grubble, work twenty-four hours a day at mill for four pence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!

Eric Idle:
Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay millowner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!

Michael Palin:
Aah. Are you trying to tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!

All:
No, no they won't!
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:08PM
GOH at 6:54PM, April 15, 2006
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I'm not dead yet!
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:38PM
Ian Jay at 8:15PM, April 15, 2006
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posts: 720
joined: 1-4-2006
Colonel (Graham Chapman):
Get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!

Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout):
Right sir! Good evening, class.

All (mumbling):

Good evening.

Sargeant:
Where's all the others, then?

All:

They're not here.

Sgt.:
I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All:
Dunno.

Chapman (member of class):

Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sgt.:
Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

Palin:

Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.:
What do you mean?

Jones:
We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.:

What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin:
Can't we do something else?

Idle (Welsh):
Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.:
Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! …Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit…

All:
We done the passion fruit.

Sgt.:
What?

Chapman:

We done the passion fruit.

Palin:
We done oranges, apples, grapefruit…

Jones:

Whole and segments.

Palin:
Pomegranates, greengages…

Chapman:

Grapes, passion fruit…

Palin:
Lemons…

Jones:
Plums…

Chapman:
Mangoes in syrup…

Sgt.:
How about cherries?

All:
We did them.

Sgt.: Red and black?

All:
Yes!

Sgt.:
All right, bananas.

(All sigh the weak, unfortunate sigh of those seeing their last point of order evaporate in the summer haze.)

Sgt.:
We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

Palin:
Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Idle:

Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.:
Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman:
'Arrison.

Sgt.:
Sorry, Mr. ‘Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that’s it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman:
AAAARUGHGHHH! (dies.)

Sgt.:
Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin:
You shot him!

Jones:
He's dead!

Idle:
He's completely dead!

Sgt.:
I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin:
You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.:
Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones:

But you told him to.

Sgt.:
Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

Idle:
And pointed sticks.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Palin:

Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sgt.:
Run for it.

Jones:

You could stand and scream for help.

Sgt.:
Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

Jones:
A pineapple?

Sgt.:
Where? Where?

Jones:
No I just said: a pineapple.

Sgt.:
Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

Jones:
What, on the pineapple?

Sgt.:
Where? Where?

Jones:

No, I was just repeating it.

Sgt.:
Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. ‘Armless looking thing, isn’t it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.

Jones:

Thompson.

Sgt.:
Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on! Be as vicious as you like with it.

Jones:
No.

Sgt.:
Why not?

Jones:
You'll shoot me.

Sgt.:
I won't.

Jones:
You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sgt.:
That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

Idle:
You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sgt.:
Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry.
Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

Jones:
Throw the gun away.

Sgt.:
I haven't got a gun.

Jones:
You have.

Sgt.:
Haven't.

Jones:
You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sgt.:
Oh, that gun.

Jones:

Throw it away.

Sgt.:
Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a red currant -
without a gun.

Jones:
You were going to shoot me!

Sgt.:
I wasn't.

Jones:
You were!

Sgt.:
No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed…

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall-
CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

Jones:
AAAAAAIIIGH!

Sgt.:
If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

Palin:
Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.:
Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

Palin:
Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sgt.:

Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

Idle:

Like what?

Sgt.:
Shootin' him?

Palin:

Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.:
Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

Palin:
No guns.

Sgt.:

No.

Palin:
No 16-ton weights.

Sgt.:
No.

Idle:
No pointed sticks.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Palin:
No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sgt.:
No.

Palin:
And you won't kill us.

Sgt.:
I won't.

Palin:
Promise.

Sgt.:
I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

Palin and Idle:
Oh, all right.

Sgt.:
Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to - release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

Sgt.:
The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it…

(Explosion.)

~IJ
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:56PM
Twin at 10:23PM, April 20, 2006
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posts: 65
joined: 1-10-2006
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: Look here, you…
Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Just listen…
Dennis: Oh but if I went ‘round sayin’ I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: Shut up! Just shut up! (starts hitting him)
Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!
Spritely - for all your funny needs.
Total Immersion - for all your Pokemon-centric pseudo-romantic story needs.

Something for everyone!
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:35PM
Chameloncholic at 11:32PM, April 20, 2006
(online)
posts: 459
joined: 1-3-2006
RedSlayer
Where do you get coconunts in England?
In a supermarket.

On second thoughts, let's not go to Camelot. Tis a silly place.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:39AM
Astral Omega at 7:53PM, April 23, 2006
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posts: 11
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OMG! I LOVE MONTY PYTHON

always look on the bright side of life and the galaxy song are my favs that i remember.

followed closedly by camelot and the lumberjack song.

classic CLASSIC!
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:02AM
Thevampire_kain01 at 4:14AM, April 24, 2006
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posts: 1,000
joined: 9-7-2006
how right you are, that show is so funny!
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:29PM
Jillers at 2:51PM, April 28, 2006
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posts: 236
joined: 3-7-2006
Where do you get coconunts in England?

Coconuts migrate
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:08PM

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