I only know one joke by heart and it's not funny….I don't even think it makes that much sense…..but I'll post it anyway.


How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buckanear.


Hardy har har! lol! Sounds like something you'd read on one of those popsicle sticks.

So….how IS a raven like a writing desk? Or has that been addressed already?

Rutger
Because John should have seen her pass. It's probably not the answer, but it's the most obvious one, so I figured I'd throw it out there.

They return to the one waiting outside first. Should've have written that, sorry.

I love puns if that counts.

Would love to put a joke up but my brother filled my head with blond jokes then any other so don't wanna offend anybody.

For the woods one: it's impossible to walk into a woods more than halfway, because once you're halfway into the woods then you're walking out.


Also, seriously, that nun one is way too much of a stretch. You really, really have to be looking for something dirty in it to find any humor in it; the second one works even if you're casually dirty-minded.

Here's one I made

You run a stick across a surface but it doesn't make a noise. How is this possible (and this is a sharpened stick, so it will make a noise on most surfaces)

Coveinant
Here's one I made

You run a stick across a surface but it doesn't make a noise. How is this possible (and this is a sharpened stick, so it will make a noise on most surfaces)

That's not a riddle. That some kind of wierd zen question you made up, and it's a lame one at that. I know lame jokes I'm full of them. Here's one:

What's the most famous fish in the sea?

A starfish.

Coveinant
Here's one I made

You run a stick across a surface but it doesn't make a noise. How is this possible (and this is a sharpened stick, so it will make a noise on most surfaces)

First, you take in consideration that the stick is indeed poited. Then, you take a look at the surface, which isn't given. From this, I deduct that stick is beng moved across a surface that is hovering in outer space, since there is no sound in outer space. Even if this isn't the answer, it should be. How's that for a pointed stick!

*response…just because*

Rutger

Coveinant
Here's one I made

You run a stick across a surface but it doesn't make a noise. How is this possible (and this is a sharpened stick, so it will make a noise on most surfaces)

First, you take in consideration that the stick is indeed poited. Then, you take a look at the surface, which isn't given. From this, I deduct that stick is beng moved across a surface that is hovering in outer space, since there is no sound in outer space. Even if this isn't the answer, it should be. How's that for a pointed stick!

So true.

yep i agree, and to my standards its very good for a pointed stick

I'm still trying to figure out why a pointed stick would make more sound than a blunt stick…

usedbooks
I'm still trying to figure out why a pointed stick would make more sound than a blunt stick…

you and me both, ma'am.

It was a clever ruse to trick us into actually thinking about something he posted. Little did he know that I had a witty retort at the ready for him!

Here's one for ya, a golden oldie:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Rutger
It was a clever ruse to trick us into actually thinking about something he posted. Little did he know that I had a witty retort at the ready for him!

Here's one for ya, a golden oldie:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because someone threw his wallet over there.

You were wrong Rut. the answer is your running the stick along the surface of water slowly.

Coveinant
You were wrong Rut. the answer is your running the stick along the surface of water slowly.

Aha… ha ha … oh dear…. (I don't think there has ever been a smiley created for this one)

Coveinant
You were wrong Rut. the answer is your running the stick along the surface of water slowly.

…

…

You do realize that doesn't really qualify as a riddle right? That's like in the Hobbit when Bilbo says “What's in my pocket?” It's not a riddle: it's just a question. So since your question is just something that an actual stick would not make an actual sound against if run against it in a specific way, then Rut's answers is just as valid as yours. Even more so since, technically, your version would produce a sound, if only a faint, nearly inaudible one. Part of that whole “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction” business. In space, though, there's no atmosphere to be affected by the movement of a stick, thus no force through which to carry the sound. Unless you count the vibrations within the stick itself or the object it's rubbing against.

Inkmonkey

Coveinant
You were wrong Rut. the answer is your running the stick along the surface of water slowly.

…

…

You do realize that doesn't really qualify as a riddle right? That's like in the Hobbit when Bilbo says “What's in my pocket?” It's not a riddle: it's just a question. So since your question is just something that an actual stick would not make an actual sound against if run against it in a specific way, then Rut's answers is just as valid as yours. Even more so since, technically, your version would produce a sound, if only a faint, nearly inaudible one. Part of that whole “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction” business. In space, though, there's no atmosphere to be affected by the movement of a stick, thus no force through which to carry the sound. Unless you count the vibrations within the stick itself or the object it's rubbing against.

And then, if you believe in string theory, everything is made up of vibrations. Vibrations = sound, therefore, everything is sound. (No pun intended)

Coveinant
You were wrong Rut. the answer is your running the stick along the surface of water slowly.

Wow. Worst… riddle… ever.

Srsly.

Inkmonkey got the my woods one right. Although no one has the rain one yet.

So another? Ok.

A woman is standing on an escalator when it suddenly stops, she then begins to cry. Why is this?

Oh yeah, Convenient? DRAGGING A STICK THROUGH WATER STILL MAKES A BLOODY NOISE.

Apparently I spelled escalator right on my first try. Hooray!

Custard Trout
Inkmonkey got the my woods one right. Although no one has the rain one yet.

So another? Ok.

A woman is standing on an escalator when it suddenly stops, she then begins to cry. Why is this?

Apparently I spelled escalator right on my first try. Hooray!

She's barefoot?

Because the situation is no longer escalating? *Hah, word joke*
Although, a situation no longer escalating would be a good thing, I reckon…

Also Cov…just…stop talking or something.

Here's a joke…

Two chemistry students are going to have their final exam the next week. Despite this, they spend the weekend in the next town partying and getting drunk. Tired and suffering from hangovers, they come in on exam day and are very late. Not wanting to repeat the year just to graduate, they beg their professor to give them a makeup exam. The professor then asks them why they came in late. They both answer that they had a flat tire on the way back and had to get help since they didn't have a spare. The professor then agrees to schedule the makeup exam for the next week.

One week later, the two come in for their makeup exam. Quietly, the professor gives them their exam sheets and has them sit in seperate rooms. The two look at the exam sheet. 4 questions in front. They thought the exam would be easy. Only 4 questions, right?

They get to the bottom of the sheet and find that the questions in the front make only 5% of their test grade, and the very last question on the back of the sheet makes the last 95%. Upon looking at the last question they became horrified and realize they definitely will fail this test. The last question was…

“Which tire?”


Okay… that joke was overly long… -_-

I actually knew that one :p
And mine was overly long, too, as is this one:

Three men, son, father and grandad, are walking down the red light district, when all of a sudden one of the windows gets hrown open, and one of the fancy ladies comes out, yelling ‘Men! I want men!’
So father turns to his son and tells him this is the moment to become a real man, and sends him to meet the nice lady. Son goes in there, and when he gets up to her room, there's a blackboard and a piece of chalk.
The woman sees him looking at it, and tells him that het gets to draw a line on the blackboard every sinle time he makes her ‘happy’.
He eventually manages to get one strpe on the board, and he goes outside again, and tells the whole story. Of course, his old men are proud of him, and they want to go get him an icecream. Just as thy start walking, the window bursts open again, and the woman starts yelling fo rmore men again.
This time the dad goes inside, and he too gets the explanation for the chalk. Dad manages to get two stripes on th eboard before blacking out, and he too goes outside, back to his family. Again, just as they start walking, the window bursts open for the third time, and sure enough, there she is again.
Logically, it is now gramps' turn, and he too goes up there, gets the whole chalk explanation, and goes for the long run.
Outside, the son and dad are kind of laughing back and forth at the idea of the oldtimer getting his socks rocked beyond his ability, untill at one moment, the window bursts open again. Dad and son look up, expecting to see the woman again, but instead, there's gramps, yelling: ‘CHALK! I NEED MORE CHALK!’

How's that for long?

You want a long one?
We call them ‘Shaggy dog’ stories… don't ask why….

OK, this salesman's car breaks down out in the middle of no-where.
It's getting late so he starts walking to the nearest town. Just as night begins to fall he notices a farmer working in his field so he askes the farmer if he has a phone.
“Why… having car problems mate? Yeah you can use our phone.”
The farmer packs up his tools and the salesman follows him over a hill to a typical old farmhouse.
Once inside he is introduced to the farmer's wife and shown the phone.
After a breif conversation the salesman thanks the farmer and tells him a breakdown truck is on its way.
“Oh it won't be here for some time,” says the farmer. “Why not have dinner with us?”
The salesman graceously accepts and sits down at the table to eat, but gets a nasty surprise when a big plate of bacon, eggs and beans is served up. He knows this meal tends to have rather unfortunate side-effects but does not want to offend so begins to eat.
About halfway through, sure enough, the side-effects appear. He tries to hold it in but cannot and a tiny, almost inaudible fart sneaks out. Immediately the farmer kicks the dog, who is resting under the table.
The salesman thinks, OK, he's blaming the dog, so lets go another, slightly louder one… PARP!
The farmer kicks the dog again.
This is great, thinks the salesman, so lets go another one, even louder… PAAARP!!
The farmer kicks the dog again, saying, “get out a there you mongrel”
Once more, the salesman lets go another one… one that almost rattles the windows…. BAAARRRRPPP!!!!!!
This time the farmer leans down and yells at the dog, “Dammit dog, get out a there, before the bastard sh*ts on ya!”

Here's one of my own brewing.

What does Dracula do handing out candy in Halloween?

Eliminating the competition.

The maker does not want it.The buyer does not need it.The user can not see it.What is it?

Here is the solution:





A coffin

imshard
The maker does not want it.The buyer does not need it.The user can not see it.What is it?

Here is the solution:





A coffin

lol that's good.

Here's my favorite joke


the over-done repeating gag