Media Megaforum

Twilight?
machinehead at 7:44PM, Nov. 22, 2008
(online)
posts: 318
joined: 10-30-2008
OMG! I went with my wife to see this movie last night. I hated every damn minute of it. They weren't vampires just a bunch of pale pussies! The movie reminded me of a shitty CW show. And if your a 90 year old vampire why the hell would you go to school? Seriously could you imagine being in high school for like 80 years? What the hell is wrong with you? It was friggin retarded. What the hell is wrong with everyone that loves this crap? I wipe my ass with you twilight! Fu Die!
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:49PM
Hawk at 12:26AM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 2,760
joined: 1-2-2006
I'll bet Inkmonkey's synopsis of the movie is ten times more entertaining than the movie itself… because everything I hear about it makes it sound awful. It sounds like some lady desperately yearned for vampires to fight over her, so she wrote a story about it. It has that rotten Mary-Sue stench all over it.

Is this what we get when women finally get tired of pirates? I thought they were going to transition back into having crushes on normal, human men. But no, I guess vampires are next in the obsession cycle.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:46PM
ozoneocean at 12:42AM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 25,115
joined: 1-2-2004
Hawk
But no, I guess vampires are next in the obsession cycle.
they always have been. ;)

Which is fair enough if the fiction is well done or interesting enough. I always liked the dark, gritty sexuality in Tannith Lee books. Always a very un-romantic take on the idea.
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:32PM
lothar at 6:18AM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 1,299
joined: 1-3-2006
Hawk
Is this what we get when women finally get tired of pirates?

who could ever get tired of pirates , they can kick so much vampire ass !
what's in the lineup after vampires ? is it aliens ? i hope so ! i'm ready for that one
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:45PM
Hawk at 9:55AM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 2,760
joined: 1-2-2006
I'm kind of hoping ninjas come up really soon. Because then when a girl wants to drag you to some romantic ninja flick, you probably at guaranteed some good fight scenes.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:46PM
Mushroomcomix at 10:15AM, Nov. 23, 2008
(offline)
posts: 527
joined: 8-16-2008
Unless they do to ninjas what they did to vampires and next thing you know ninjas are a bunch of pussies who wear bright pink ninja suits that have glitter all over them and instead of fighting they agree to talk out their problems over a cup of cider.
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:08PM
Inkmonkey at 4:19PM, Nov. 23, 2008
(offline)
posts: 2,220
joined: 1-3-2006
Wait, am I expected to summarize the movie itself, or are you talking about my previous summary?

(which, in all honesty, is a half-remembered rant on all the stuff my girlfriend told me about the book series as a whole more so than any concise record).


Anyway, I might as well go off on a rant about this movie. It was… watchable. I think that's really the best way to describe it. It's certainly not “Manos: The Hands of Fate”, but at least that was so bad that it was hilarious. This movie wasn't without it's share of laugh-out-loud moments, though, and I don't think any of them were intentional. I mean, there was the one “funny Asian guy” in the cast, and I could never really tell if I was supposed to hate him or not. His friends seemed to get a kick out of his quirky personality, but everything he said was so painfully forced I couldn't tell if it was just shitty writing or an attempt to show off how dorky he is for thinking he's funny.

They handled the whole “glittery vampire” thing better than I thought they would. I was expecting lens flares and shit, but they kept it quasi-respectable. Pretty much he just looked like he was covered in body glitter, and it was actually a little tough to see. It does make me wonder, though, how he walks under flourescent lights and stuff and doesn't get his “glitteriness” set off. I don't know if you've ever seen someone with body glitter on them, but it doesn't take a lot of light for it to be visible.

All in all Bella and Edward's relationship is so boring and by the book that it's hardly worth commenting on. He saves her from getting raped by a group of dudes, and I guess that excuses the fact that he was stalking her anyway (which is how he knew she was about to be given a free ticket to rape city in the first place). Also, he does, in fact, sneak into her house before they really know each other and watches her sleep and I did manage to loudly say, “Whoah, what the fuck!?” when he revealed that fact. I think that's the real horror of this story; it's potentially teaching young people (men and women) that Stalking is the exact same thing as love. If anything it's romantacized.

As dull as the romance is, it's not so absolutely atrocious that it pulls you out of the film. The real problem is the villain; essentially he's just some other really strong vampire who gets obsessed with Bella (Special Little Flower, etc.), except unlike Edward he wants to eat her. Oh wait, Edward wanted to eat her too… in fact that's pretty much the only reason he gave a damn about her in the first place. So, uh… exactly like Edward, he becomes obsessed with her after meeting her once and desperately wants to eat her. Speaking of which, Edward introduces her to his family, and as apparently unbearably delicious as she is, they don't really bat an eye. I guess Edward's the only one who cares about that kind of thing.

So anyway, bad guy: he's some kind of “tracker” style vampire. He can smell a dude from a mile away. So when he's on the hunt for her, Edward convinces her that she has to leave town and return to her Mom and new Step-Dad (and be mean enough to her Dad that he wouldn't want to chase after her) to escape the guy. When asked if badguy vampire would just hurt her Dad to get her to come back, they assure her he's only interested in her and would follow her wherever she goes. And indeed he does, as she drives to Arizona, with Edward and all of his family either riding along or running alongside her. It seems they don't have anything better to do with their time than babysit Eddie's girlfriend. Must've sucked to get injured at that time, since the “Dad” of his family is apparently the town's doctor. Oh well, only time for special little flowers around here.

But watch out, Bella! Turns out badguy vampire got to Arizona before her and kidnapped her Mom! Or, um… not… it's never quite clear whether or not he's actually abducted her, because when Bella shows up to his trap all he's got is a recording of her Mom. But I just want to take this moment to point out that Edward specifically said it was okay to leave her Dad all alone because the badguy wasn't going to abduct him and use him to separate her from her vampire protectors, but apparently he's got no qualms about running (or however he gets around) the hundreds of miles to Phoenix from bum-fuck-nowhere Washington to do exactly that to her Mom (or at least make it look like he did). All in all, though, his whole motivation is just… flawed. I mean, I get that Bella is delicious, but come on, she's got this whole family of vampires surrounding her. It's like jumping into a lion's den because the cut of meat the zookeeper tossed in looked particularly appetizing. Even if you are another lion that's just a dumb idea.

I guess that's a big problem here; too much of the plot just relies on your acceptance that the players involved are just dumb like that. A good example is the baseball scene: the vampires only play baseball during thunderstorm because they're so cool and strong that whenever they hit the ball it sounds like a crack of thunder, and they don't want to arouse suspicion. Also, the bat/ball don't break in the process, but whatever. This begs the question: why play baseball, then? Soccer? Tennis? Football? But even that aside, why not just use different equipment? I mean, you can take the time to find invincible bats/balls, why not just get nerf balls or something? It's not like this is the ‘League. If you want to play with softer, less thunder-cracky balls no one’s gonna give a shit. Never mind that they're playing baseball in a field in the middle of nowhere anyway, so who cares?

Also, the special effects are pretty ass. I mean, technically they're not ridiculously bad, they're just… poorly used. The whole “reveal” scene where Bella finally figures out that her ridiculously pale boyfriend who is never seen out in the sunlight or eating is a vampire is easily the worst scene in the film through a combination of ridiculously wooden acting (even moreso than the rest of the movie, which somehow makes me feel they did it on purpose), very bad use of special effects, and the fact that it culminates in the whole glitter thing.



So… yeah. That's Twilight as best as I can remember it. And I want to emphasize the “best as I can remember it”, because I snuck a bottle of schnapps in, since I was being forced to watch this by my girlfriend. I even made a fun drinking game out of it:
-Drink every time someone stares at someone else way too intensely or for way too long
-Drink every time someone gasps
-Drink every time the special effects are distractingly bad
-Drink every time someone treats Bella like she's more important than she logically should be
-Drink every time someone almost kisses someone else

I was out of schnapps by about halfway through the movie. Though I have to admit I took bonus drinks whenever something happened that just annoyed me.




Also, what's really been bothering me is how any time I see a critic or someone complain about the movie some idiot fan tells them that they just don't get it and they need to read the book. I mean, I've never read the books, and I don't really intend to, but even if they are much better than I've been led to believe, that doesn't somehow make the movie better. If someone's complaining about a movie, they're complaining about a movie. That's like being given a shitty hamburger and being told that you shouldn't complain about it, since the meat came from a really pretty cow.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:00PM
json at 6:33PM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 181
joined: 9-26-2008
wow…..so this thing is a shitty romance novel turned hollywood film?

i had no idea. i just thought it was some crappy vampire, but not “vampires” per se, because they don't drink blood and go out in the sun.

i had seen all these screaming girls all jonesed over this movie, and was like….“uh. wtf? johnny depp isn't in this, is he?” now it makes sense.

i'm so glad i'm single so i don't have to see garbage like this.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:11PM
ozoneocean at 6:40PM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 25,115
joined: 1-2-2004
Inkmonkey
That's like being given a shitty hamburger and being told that you shouldn't complain about it, since the meat came from a really pretty cow.
Come on man! That cow gave up its life for you :(
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:32PM
Skullbie at 6:50PM, Nov. 23, 2008
(online)
posts: 4,776
joined: 12-9-2007
Inkmonkey
idiot fan tells them that they just don't get it and they need to read the book

They're trying to point out that the movie didn't live up to it's book predecessor. A lot like when marvel/DC turns comics into movies, they just can't do as well as a comic book. Movies are separate things yes, but they do represent the media they were based off of.
 
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:46PM
Inkmonkey at 7:02PM, Nov. 23, 2008
(offline)
posts: 2,220
joined: 1-3-2006
Skullbie
Inkmonkey
idiot fan tells them that they just don't get it and they need to read the book

They're trying to point out that the movie didn't live up to it's book predecessor. A lot like when marvel/DC turns comics into movies, they just can't do as well as a comic book. Movies are separate things yes, but they do represent the media they were based off of.

That's not really the case, though. Critics say that their relationship is shallow and poorly executed, and the fans that I'm complaining about are saying that he's wrong, and it's his fault for not reading the book first. If the argument was, “You should try to read the book; it handles that better than the movie did”, then yeah, that's fine. Whether or not the book is actually good doesn't change the fact that the critic didn't like the movie.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:00PM
Hawk at 9:22AM, Nov. 24, 2008
(online)
posts: 2,760
joined: 1-2-2006
Inkmonkey, I thought your previous synopsis was the movie synopsis. But both were very entertaining.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:46PM
worstcase at 12:36PM, Nov. 24, 2008
(online)
posts: 224
joined: 1-15-2007
Inkmonkey, You described it perfectly. I read…all the books. It was the only entertainment available! The writing…ugh. Stephanie Meyers(the chick that wrote the book) just inserted herself into her own book.

Just..don't read the books. Don't.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:51PM
Sea_Cow at 7:01PM, Nov. 25, 2008
(offline)
posts: 2,687
joined: 4-5-2007
ozoneocean
Inkmonkey
That's like being given a shitty hamburger and being told that you shouldn't complain about it, since the meat came from a really pretty cow.
Come on man! That cow gave up its life for you :(

I agree with this statement! My sister was very pretty, and you treat her hamburger meat like shit!? Bastard!

Also, shitty franchise;didn't watch
I am so happy to finally be back home
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:26PM
Tacster002 at 6:01AM, Nov. 26, 2008
(offline)
posts: 67
joined: 7-24-2007
I drew my own vampire character reacting to the book.

fun times.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:06PM
Daiconv at 8:20AM, Nov. 26, 2008
(online)
posts: 133
joined: 2-7-2008
My girlfriend is really into the books, and she's told me enough about them that it's like I've read the books myself…It's mildly interesting, but not as good as buffy the vampire slayer–

I took her to see the movie and it was fucking terrible. It was the lamest thing I've seen in a while. There is nothing worse than whiney vampires (Louis from interview with the vampire is an exception). I remember thinking, “well, maybe the fightscenes will be cool…”, NO! That after image effect and speeding up the film to show them moving fast is the weakest shit ever!

And Kristen Stewert was the worst part of that movie. My gf and I spontaneously shout, “NO!” all the time now because of that scene where she's in the hospital bed. It's very amusing.

-999hp from Hollywood, again…
without buttcheecks, it's just a hole.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:03PM
Inkmonkey at 8:39AM, Nov. 26, 2008
(offline)
posts: 2,220
joined: 1-3-2006
Daiconv
There is nothing worse than whiney vampires (Louis from interview with the vampire is an exception).

I think that's pretty much just because, when shit went down, he was perfectly willing to cut dudes in half with a scythe and set their house on fire.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:00PM

Forgot Password
©2011 WOWIO, Inc. All Rights Reserved