Random Nonsense

Eragon- A (brutal) review
harkovast at 7:58AM, July 22, 2009
posts: 5,198
joined: 10-12-2008
Let me give you a brief run down of the plot to Eragon-

An ancient order of warriors with mystical powers used to protect order and justice, but they were betrayed by one of their own members. He killed off all the others and established an Evil Empire, which is now in control.
There is an organisation of rebels opposed to the Empire, but they are clearly losing the war when the story starts out.
Then one day, a young farm boy, who lives with his uncle, meets up with one of the last remaining members of the mystical warriors (played by a well respected British actor), who teaches him the ancient mystical powers of his order.
But the young boy’s home is burned by the Evil Empire and his uncle is killed, so he sets out on a mission to aid the rebels and defeat the Empire.
On the way he meets a beautiful princess and his old mentor is killed, but ultimately the….

Oh hang on, sorry, I was reading out the plot to Star Wars there, wasn’t I?
Doh! Silly me!
Anyway, sorry about that, lets start over.

Okay, the plot to Eragon-
An ancient order of warriors with mystical powers used to protect order and justice, but they were betrayed by one of their own members. He killed off all the others and established an Evil Empire, which is…..


It is the same!
I mean literally, it is exactly the same!
If George Lucas wasn’t so busy destroying his own legacy I am sure he would have the lawyers on the phone.

Imagine if Luke Skywalker lived in a cheap knock off of Middle Earth instead of a Galaxy Far Far Away, had magic instead of the force and rode a dragon instead of an X-Wing.
And there you go. You just imagined Eragon.

Well that isn’t strictly fair. The film rips off other movies too! Mainly the Lord of the Rings. We have evil black cloaked Nazgul monsters sent to track down the hero, cheap orc knock offs and a scene where an evil wizard gives a speech to a huge army that is so directly lifted from the Two Towers that you have to wonder if it is meant to be funny.

Eragon is based on a series of shitty books by a teenaged boy.
Now I know what you are thinking-
“Oooh Vast! You big bully! If he is a teenager, getting a book published at all is quite an achievement, cut him some slack!”
Yeah, you are right, that would be an achievement. And the aggressive way the books were marketed certainly were never shy about going on and on about this fact. This kid was even getting interviewed in Time magazine!
Of course, the detail they failed to mention is that this talentless youth’s parents run a publishing company. Wow, really impressive! Getting his bullshit book published took this kid as much effort as it is going to take Paris Hilton to own a hotel chain!
I have to wonder if he called the books The Inheritance Cycle as a little thank you nod to mummy and daddy!
So yeah, some dumb kid watches Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, writes some shitty fan fiction and his parents decide that rather then sending him to his room and cancelling his pocket month for the next 16 years as punishment for such crap (as any right thinking parents would do) they published this rubbish and then some gob-shite made a God damn shitty movie out of it.

And boy did they make it shitty.

The world the characters live in is about as stock-fantasy as you can imagine. There is not one original idea to be seen.
There are no interesting cultures, no imaginative ideas, nothing.

Also rather hilarious is that the characters don’t even seem to understand the world they live in. They constantly go on about how the ‘Age of the Dragon Riders will come again!’ (they cant let a scene pass without saying it, it is like Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben with A.D.D.) But the evil Emperor IS a Dragon Rider. He just killed all the other Dragon Riders and took over. So the age of the Dragon Riders is still going on. One of them is still in charge. Why is him ruling any less legitimate then the other Dragon Riders ruling? It is not like they ran a democracy. No one voted for these assholes. The only claim these guys have to power is that they have dragons and know magic. Why is having a large number of these assholes with God Complexes any better then having one? Well I guess because the bad guy is EVIL. The movie never really explains why, he just is. He has long finger nails so I guess that counts. The main bad thing his government seems to do is conscript people into the army. But he is only doing that to get soldiers to fight the rebels. So if the rebels would stop starting wars there would be no need for conscription and everyone would be happy.
Oh sorry, I was watching this as someone who has a brain.
Being able to think is a great barrier to enjoying this movie.
The best reasons I can think of to kill the bad guy are as follows-
1) He is too stupid to live. Rather then flying out and toasting the young hero with his own dragon he sends wave after wave of comically incompetent goons to try and fail to capture him. Even in the final battle he doesn’t just show up with his Dragon and wipe the hero out. What is he waiting for? The sequel? Well he is out of luck since this hunk of shit aint getting one.
2) John Malcovich puts in the worst performance I have EVER seen from him. This guy is a great actor, but here he seems to be putting on panto. Does he have a gambling debt and this movie was the only way to clear it? He looks like he would rather eat his own socks then be taking part in this shit fest.

The main selling point seems to be the idea of Dragon Riders.
Unless this kid invents a time machine and goes back in time to before Dragons of Pern, Dragon Lance and basically every other fantasy novel of the 20th century was written and gets his book published by his parents ancestors, this idea is not original. It is trite, over done and moronic.

What about the characters?
We have our hero, the last of the dragon riders (I guess not counting the Evil Emperor….yeah, like I said, try not to think too hard). What he certainly isn’t is the first or last of the Mary Sue characters.
He is a whiny little bitch who is instantly good at everything, has an incredibly important birth right, develops special powers as and when the plot demands it and leaves you wanting him to get hit by a bus at every opportunity.

Jeremy Irons shows up as the aging Jedi (lets drop any pretences, shall we?) who gets killed in a laughable sequence where the hero is about to be hit by a spear. Irons (who was not in the scene, and last time we saw him was hundreds of miles away) leaps through the door way to black the shot with his body. I wish I was exaggerating. Oh how I wish….

There is a Princess girl who gets captured and rescued, because that is what princesses do, isn’t it? Why do bad guys always capture princesses anyway? I sort of suspect it is just so you aren’t the only one who hasn’t done it at the annual evil convention (how embarrassing would that be?)

There is some black guy who is the leader of the rebels, and has dreadlocks. Now I know, saying he is black and has dreadlocks does not sound like I am telling you much of interest about the character….but it is as much as the damn movie tells me!
The only interesting thing this guy does is that during the opening sequence where we see the rebels getting attacked in a montage we see a scene of the guy apparently dying while fighting soldiers in a cave. We later see him in the same cave battle scene at the end of the movie….yes they used a left over cut from the end battle to make the opening montage. I suppose I should not be surprised by these types of cost cutting efforts from a movie that opens with a painted backdrop representing the kingdom (no, it is not supposed to be a painting or anything, it is just clearly painted on because the movie is fucking cheap. Cheap and shit.)

The real star of this movie is the Editor. Though technically not a character, the Editors incompetent hacking is obvious throughout. Every time we start to forget about him, he is quick to remind us of his presence with some unbelievably hilarious shit.
Before the final battle we see that the black smiths have built a huge suit of armour for Eragons Dragon (a dragon that was so puny it could barely carry two people for most of the movie but now can carry 600 pounds of armour….sure….why not? I guess it has plot related strength.) Then when he battle starts the Dragon shows up in a completely different suit of armour. Were the prop builders and the CGI people not allowed to meet during filming? How did no one spot this? It isn’t subtle! The first version of the armour has a face covering mask!

The best snafu is during a battle with an evil wizard where the hero (stood in front of the wizard) fires an arrow at the wizard, striking him in the forehead. We get a shot of the wizard reeling from this with a great big arrow sticking out of his head.
Can you imagine that? Sure you can.
Now the scene goes to close up as the wizard laughs evily and fades away and the ARROW HEAD IS STICKING OUT OF HIS FOREHEAD!!! What the fuck? How did no one notice this?
The arrow hit him from the front, we saw it stuck there, and now it has swapped around and is facing the other way!
This is so pathetically amateurish you keep expecting a laugh track to start up.
So the hero discovers his powers, saves princess who-gives-a-shit, joins up with some shitty rebels I know nothing about and don’t care about and defeat the evil empire who are evil because the movie told me so.
And the only question left is….
I don’t care about this shitty generic world, I don’t care about these card board knock off characters and I don’t give a shit about some spoiled brats author insertion, Mary Sue hero.
This movie is a joke, made by people who obviously couldn’t give two shits.
I put more effort into this review then they put into a god damn feature film.

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
DuckInspector at 10:52AM, July 30, 2009
posts: 9
joined: 3-5-2009
theres also one thing you forgot to mention about the for-err i mean “magic” in the film they said it was the language of the elves, they set things on fire using the language of the elves…yeah…what?
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 1:59PM, July 30, 2009
posts: 5,198
joined: 10-12-2008
I guess elves just don't talk much.
Either that or they just cause things to catch fire around them a lot when they have a chat.

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
ifelldownthestairs at 4:04PM, July 30, 2009
posts: 432
joined: 7-4-2007
U big bully! Just bcuz ur the bigshot “COMIC ADMIN” u think u can make fun of this awsom movie?? lolyeahright. iD lyk 2 c U right sumthing and get it publisht. Ur a jerk!


Reading that, I was expecting you to say something like “the only reason this kid got his books published is because he's RETARDED. Seriously, what's more inspirational than a retarded kid writing a book? And that book being made into a movie? It's kinda like little kid's poetry or drawings… they're shitty, but noone wants to say they're shitty. And so crap like this is made.”

…that would've been awesome if he was retarded.
you know why birds don't write their memoirs? because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why. who'd want to read what a bird does? nobody. that's who.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Wordweaver_three at 12:53AM, Aug. 3, 2009
posts: 458
joined: 8-1-2008
Really, I expected more from you, Vast. Beating up on Eragon is as easy as taking candy from a baby. May as well start ranting about the SyFy channel's weekly low-budget craptacular. Next thing you're gonna do is start ranting about the Dragonball or Street Fighter movies. Who's gonna have the balls to defend any of those? We all know they suck! Ooh! I know! Tell us how awful Mortal Kombat was, or even better, the Super Mario Bros movie!

Was that a bit vicious? I never can tell.

last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 4:27AM, Aug. 3, 2009
posts: 5,198
joined: 10-12-2008
Wordweaver I have a friend who said Street Fighter the movie was alright about 12 years ago.

We still make fun of him about it to this day (true story!)

Wordweaver dont tempt me, that Super Mario Brothers movie can never be insulted enough!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 9:08AM, Aug. 4, 2009
posts: 124
joined: 1-14-2009
“Super Mario Bros.” is the finest piece of art if art could be called art! This movie can't be defended because it needs none.

Hoskins and Hopper are the greatest actors you could ask for. Why, if only I could make/watch a film about them staring at each other in a sort contest where they stare at each other to see who can stare at each other the longest, it would print money. You can see it (the hate) in Hopper's eyes. He really just can't be left alone with Hoskin. It's so strong, you'd have thought he hated the movie itself! (Laughable!)

Hoskins lights up the screen with the greatest onscreen romance of all time. Go cry to your mama, Casablanca! Hold me, Hoskins! “Super Mario Bros.” touched my heart. (and tallywhacker)

I mean, look at Yoshi! What fantastic effects brought this magnificent beast to life?!

This is the film that will go down as the best motion picture that ever was, is, or ever will be, and what Hoskins and Hopper will be known for FOREVER. I'll leave you with the best line in cinema history:
Blood Martian Flowers. Occasionally updates.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 12:41PM, Aug. 4, 2009
posts: 5,198
joined: 10-12-2008
Stare at Yoshi for a minute.
If they make a Harkovast movie, that is EXACTLY how I want Chen-Chen to look.
Hopper as Shogun, Hoskins as Muir….why it practically writes itself!
In fact, why dont you all go home tonight, watch super mario brothers the movie and every time they say a characters name just yell the name of a Harkovast character over the top of it.
POW! Instant Harkovast movie!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Genejoke at 11:09AM, June 4, 2010
posts: 3,644
joined: 4-9-2010
Eragon is a masterpiece. Fact.


I mean it.

Okay I ked it's shit. even my kids think it's pants.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
TheFlyingGreenMonkey at 7:15PM, July 12, 2010
posts: 3,830
joined: 12-19-2008
I agree with you on everthing you said for the movie. The books has almost none of the downfalls the movie does. Though the evil king is only evil cause he wants to kill all the other races. Or casue he killed all the dragons except for his own and the three eggs. Or for just killing all the dragon riders. Or for litting an evil religion go on. But all of that is in the books.

last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Canuovea at 12:47AM, July 14, 2010
posts: 287
joined: 6-25-2010
The book was entertaining, but not good.

The movie was utter shit. Total shit. I watched it and I hated it, then, later, I watched it again thinking I must have just been in a bad mood to think something could be so bad. It was. So, yeah, movie was shit, and if they do a sequel everyone involved with the movie should be taken out and shot.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
dwrean at 3:26PM, Sept. 6, 2010
posts: 56
joined: 6-15-2010
*watches the movie*
it was at this time that a little diddy started going off in my head. it went something like this…


i shall pitch fork the man who made this!
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 6:03AM, Sept. 23, 2010
posts: 5,198
joined: 10-12-2008
Dwrean I dont accept any liability for injuries you inflict on yourself after watching the movies I review.
Watch at your own risk!

For more Harkovast related goings on, go to the Harkovast Forum
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
metabad at 4:43PM, Sept. 23, 2010
posts: 33
joined: 1-6-2006
Oh God, Eragon…

The Good:

-Jeremy Irons was in it and at least he didn't make a complete ham out of himself…can't say the same for the Dungeons and Dragons movie though. (LETTTT THEIR BLAAAAHD, RAAAAAAIN FROM THE SKAAAAAAAIIIIII!!!)

-That long haired villain with the stupid name…Durga I think it was? (seriously, who names a character Durga?) did look pretty cool.

The Bad:


-It was pretty much a huge ripoff of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, even taking some things from the latter scene for scene

-I hated the main character

-The main bad guy and the end cut a curtain that had a huge dragon behind it…HOW WAS HE NOT VISIBLE AT ALL BEFORE?! What, did the curtain make everything behind it invisible somehow?

-Durga's name is stupid.

-Why did the Dragon's wings have feathers?

-Jeremy Irons died in it.

I can't really remember anything else from the movie…perhaps that's for the best…

As for Super Mario Bros…yeah, that was awful, I liked Mortal Kombat though, it was pretty good despite some cheesy parts, it was faithful to the story and the characters were accurate for the most part and it's definitely the best video-game-to-movie adaptation out there. Probably not the best movie out there, but it could have turned out a lot worse.

Annihilation sucked, though.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
dwrean at 9:33PM, Dec. 11, 2010
posts: 56
joined: 6-15-2010
no, i watched, err, suffered it before your review. god, why hollywood, why cant you just say no?…
to forget the horror of that movie…
not sure if you have heard or read of it, but have you ever heard of the temeraire series hark?
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM

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