Random Nonsense

The Fifth Element- A review
harkovast at 8:50AM, July 11, 2009
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(more bad language is on the way, brace yourselves)

In the future, a big dark burning orb made of pure evil is coming to destroy the Earth. The only thing that can stop it is an ancient weapon powered by the four classical elements, earth, fire, air and water, combined with the power of the secret fifth element.

Sounds pretty good doesn't it?

The bad news is, it turns out the final element is shit.
A big steaming pile of BULLSHIT!

Back when this movie came out, there hadn't been a good original sci-fi film in years, so I was understandably excited that a huge sci-fi epic with Bruce Willis trying to save the universe was on the way.
Considering the only other sci-fi film of note around that time was Space Jam,in which Bugs Bunny sucks on Michael Jordan's sweaty balls for an hour and a half, you can see why I would be fired up for this film.

This movie is gay.
No, I don't mean gay as in an insult like unimaginative homophobes on the internet seem so apt to do.
I mean literally homosexual, camp, out of the closet, hooray for the gay let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way, GAY!
The costumes were designed by a professional fashion designer. A pretty snazzy idea huh? Bet that will lead to some really imaginative outfits right?
Unfortunately, the fashion designer they picked was Jean Paul Gaultier.
Now if you aren't familiar with his work, Mr. Gaultier is basically exactly like the Sacha Baren Cohen character ‘Bruno’. Only French instead of Austrian. Now if you imagine if you got Bruno to design all the costumes for your epic sci-fi masterpiece…perhaps you can see how this was maybe not such a good idea?
We get bad guy minions in rubber cycling shorts, starship crews in rubber sailor suits (again, with shorts) and perhaps most frightening of all, Bruce Willis with bleach blonde hair and a rubber vest.
Dear God help us!
Am I the only one who thinks this isn't the ideal look for an Epic Space Adventure?
On the documentaries that came with the DVD even the actors seemed unsure of how much of a good idea this was. Bruce describes it as “well you have to do what they tell you”. Thanks for your honesty, Bruce, we here at the Vast appreciate it!
While that may make me forgive you for the dreadful fashions, Mr. Willis, it does not excuse the way in which you seem to be phoning in your dialogue. You can tell that Bruce would like to be almost anywhere rather than filming this heap of shit. He grumbles out his growling dialogue and squints angrily and presumably cashes a fat pay cheque at the end.
But considering what some of the rest of this cast manage, you can see why Bruce feels safer just not trying, because when these idiots try to act, it drives straight down Embarrassing Street onto Painful to Watch Avenue.

The actual fifth element in the movie is a chick called Lee-Loo. Loo is an appropriate word for this girl, since her performance is such a heap of shit that the loo would be an appropriate response!
To call her a character is not really accurate, since she isn't a character. She is a big walking plot device. She is there to save the world at the end. She doesn't really do much in the meantime (other than occasionally get her kit off for comedy effect…hardy har fucking har.)
The only characterisation she gets is that everyone constantly says how “perfect” she is in a dreamy voice.
Perfect? She looks hideous! My wife walked in during a scene with Lee-Loo in and commented “Urgh! It's Raggedy Anne!”
Truer words have rarely been spoken!
I must assume this girl gave the director a stiffy because the cast can't go ten seconds without telling me how wonderful this freaky, red dreadlock toting chick is!
NEWS FLASH
Saying things over and over in a movie does not make it true.

(unfortunately this news flash did not come in time to stop the film makers doing this again and again and again, as you will see as the movie continues.)

She can't talk properly, babbling what they claim to be the ancient language of the forces of light or something. Unfortunately her over the top expressions, hand gestures and strained attempts to communicate come across like someone doing an offensive impression of a handicapped person.
Her and Bruce hook up at the end of the film (oooh a spoiler! Oh wait, I can't spoil this shitty movie, that would be impossible!) The power of their love saves the Earth.
Yes, the power of love blows up evil.
For…
Fuck's….
Sake!
If that wasn't offensively trite enough, the two characters professing love for each other could not have had less chemistry. There were walk on extras who got one line that had more chemistry with each other than these two.
We've got Bruce ‘here in body but not spirit’ Willis, grumbling his lines to a woman who is pretending to be retarded and who can't speak English.
These characters haven't even been able to have a conversation yet and I am supposed to believe they are in love?
I can't even believe he would want to shag her because she looks so stupid, let alone that he would profess undying love to this freaky bitch.
She is the only real female character in the film and she is little more than a plot device who has to rescued a lot. This is such sexist bullshit that I almost wonder if it is supposed to be ironic. Almost.
Her outfits go from bandages that make her look like…fuck I can't even think of a metaphor for how stupid she looks…to wearing a rubber version of Borat's ‘man-kini’. (Sacha Baren Cohen owes this film royalties, I swear!)

Gary Oldman plays the villain Zorg and, like everyone else, he looks ridiculous, with some sort of plastic hair piece (don't ask) and a rubber tunic. However, credit where it's due, Gary Oldman is a fantastic actor who is always a joy to watch and this lame duck movie only ever comes alive when he is on screen.
Unfortunately the plotting of the movie is so incompetent that he actually never meets, interacts or communicates with Bruce Willis in any way.
That's right, this film has a hero and main villain and there is never any contact between them.
At the end of the film if you asked Bruce Willis what had happened to Zorg, he would respond “What the fuck is a Zorg?”
They actually have to contrive things to even have Zorg be involved in the film at all. I can't believe I just typed that line! They have to use plot contrivance to have the villain IN THEIR OWN FUCKING MOVIE actually be involved!
How the fuck is that even possible? That is like having YOU pull a surprising move to beat YOURSELF in a game of chess. How did they manage it?
Zorg is the boss of an evil mega-corporation with lots of rubber clad goons and apparently the ability to cause any phone in the world to explode at will. (No seriously, stay with me.) Earlier in the film he organises having a spaceship shot down by an army of alien mercenaries. So what does he do to go after the heroes, who are off on an intergalactic ocean liner?
Let's play a little quiz to see how well you know this movie-
What does Zorg do to get the heroes?
1) send another army of alien mercenaries
2)send a load of his own henchmen
3) send a load of his own henchmen with him leading them to make sure they dont screw up this time
4) goes there himself, alone, with a big gun.

Yes, Gary Oldman goes on his own. His cunning plan? A big gun.
THIS GUY IS A BUSINESSMAN! THE GUY HAS A FUCKING LIMP! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MADNESS?

That is basically how the plot to this movie tends to go, they have the characters do stupid illogical things, then have them do more stupid illogical things to get themselves out of the idiotic corner they have talked themselves into.

For example, the good guys have the one girl that can save the human race.
But instead of going to the government and getting about a million soldiers to guard her, they pointlessly decide to move her in secret, thus meaning they have to go through a whole elaborate sneaking around sequence which ultimately leads to them revealing themselves to the government anyway.
Characters are pointlessly separated over and over again only to be reunited later. Why does the movie keep pulling this dog shit? Why not just keep them together so we could actually have some FUCKING CHARACTER INTERACTIONS!

Speaking of dog shit, the mercenary aliens look like a turd sandwich. A bunch of power-ranging rejects who were left under the sun lamp. I've scraped scarier ‘aliens’ off the sole of my shoe than these huge rubber headed morons.
And the worst part? They are the coolest looking thing in the movie! You almost forget how shit they are by virtue of the far worse shit that surrounds them.
Sort of like how you don't notice when you step in a dog turd if you just took a swim in raw sewage.

One of the most well known scenes from the film is a future New York where everyone drives a flying car.
Do I even need to explain how stupid this is? When the Jetsons did it, it was meant as a piss-take on the future, not a serious vision!
Am I the only one who can see how insanely dangerous this would be?
Drunk drivers wouldn't hit a tree, they would crash from 2000 feet into buildings and explode!
Take a corner too fast? You won't just come up on the curve, you will go through the window of an office building, 100 stories up!
The police even shoot at a car at one point to try and shoot it down to stop it escaping.
ARE THEY FUCKING INSANE?
Which would be worse? A traffic violator gets away or a flying car goes crashing out of control through all the other flying cars and then crashes and explodes?
This is a world that has had no thought put into it, the worst kind of lazy world-building. No thought has been given to the consequences of these ideas, how they would work, why things are this way. Some jack ass just said “Hey, flying cars would be cool, that's like future and stuff” and they made a fucking movie of it!

Also, I should point out that if you think the idea of the main character who is an ex-soldier now working as a tough taxi driver in the future sounds interesting, you would be right. It is interesting. it was especially interesting when I saw it the first time in the animated film Heavy Metal.
IT IS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!
The only difference is that here they make the cars fly, which, as I just explained, only serves to make things about 17 times more stupid!

The action sequences are so weak you are left wondering if they were supposed to be funny (like much of the film). You never actually laugh at them. They clearly are not funny. But they give off the impression that they might have been meant to be funny.
So they are either shit action sequences that aren't exciting, or shit comedy sequences that aren't funny. Take your pick.
All the usual cliches are here.
Bad guy minions with futuristic guns that can't shoot through a FUCKING WOODEN TABLE, who all come from the storm trooper marksmanship academy. A half dozen of them blaze at Bruce, who is sat out in the open. They don't hit shit. Bruce casually waves his gun in their direction, about eight of them drop dead. We even get Lee-Loo doing some ‘martial arts’ to beat up the bad guys. The martial art of choice is what I like to call chick-fu. This is the martial art where they get an actress who knows jack shit about fighting and give her very shitty training and try to pass her off as a martial art master when actually she looks about as tough as a jelly fish in a wind tunnel. Now don't get me wrong, I am all in favour of a tough action chick who can kick some alien ass, but once again the movie seems to hope I will take its word for it that this lady can fight, rather then actually going to the trouble of trying to make her look in anyway convincing. Okay, that's not fair. This isn't even chick-fu, that is giving it too much credit. Her martial arts style looks like a combination of Tae-bo (not double-time)and the 3 stooges (only shit and not funny…as if I need to even mention that at this point.)


Now I have been holding off on attacking the worst thing in this movie…because it was so painful to watch that I don't want to have to bring up the bad memories again…but here goes.
Three words.
Chris….Fucking….Tucker.
Why does this man get work?
He is not funny, he is obnoxious!
He is like a human Jar-Jar Binks on helium!
His hideous, squealing voice sounds like someone is raping a piglet.
When he first shows up it is about ten minutes later before he says anything the audience can even fucking understand. This guy is meant to be making a living as a radio d.j. I'm already sick of listening to him. He doesn't so much steal the scene as kidnap it, rape it, torture it, then dump it in a ditch somewhere.
I can only assume that in this film he is there to try to make the rest of the cast look masculine (in their rubber pants and vests) because he appears to be the most flamingly over the top portrayal of a gay character I have ever seen on film. I was going to knock the film for using ridiculous gay stereotypes with this ludicrous screaming queen….but then it turns out he is supposed to be a ladies' man. In fact he is so sexy that he can cause air hostesses to have orgasms just by squeaking unintelligible gibberish at them. Huh?
Worse is to come as we have to get through a long, drawn out, painfully unfunny sequence of Chris Tucker shagging one of the skanks on the airline. I honestly don't think the human race has yet developed the technology to make something less sexy than Chris Tucker having sex. By God I hope we never do! The thought of such a thing will render the entire human population incapable of mating ever again!
(Just to recap, so far the female characters have been the macguffin girl who can't talk and slutty air hostesses who have orgasms and get shagged…well done to the movie makers for fighting my accusations of sexism!)
Why is Chris Tucker so sexy ,you ask, when to the audience he is unspeakably annoying and cannot be understood?
Because the movie tells us so of course! That's how things work in this movie, remember?
In fact this time the movie even outdoes itself, by literally having one of the air hostess skanks tell us so in this little gem of dialog (not an exact quote)-
“Rudy Rhoo is the most famous radio star in the universe, it is a great honour to meet him.”
If he is so famous, why are you explaining who he is, you dumb bimbo?
If I said “You are going to meet President Obama” I would not follow it up by saying “he is the first black president of America, he is very famous so it is a big honour to meet him.”
THE FACT HE IS FUCKING FAMOUS MEANS PEOPLE KNOW WHO HE IS! THAT IS WHAT BEING FAMOUS MEANS!!!
IF SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN WHO YOU ARE, YOU AIN'T FAMOUS!
This is the clumsiest, laziest exposition imaginable!
The one who says this is the one that Tucker porks, so maybe that is karmic justice for speaking such shitty dialog, as I can't think of a more horrible fate than getting it on with that screeching muppet!
What does Chris Tucker add to the plot? Fuck all.
What does he add to my annoyance? An amount beyond measure.
And this ass hole keeps getting work!
These days he is earning his keep trading racist slurs with Jackie Chan in those God-awful Rush Hour films (which I probably can't review because if I have to talk about Chris Fucking Tucker anymore I may I have to take a claw hammer to my keyboard in anger!)

This movie is a disaster. It was marketed as an Epic Sci-Fi Adventure.
Most people produce more epic things than this that took two flushes to get rid of!
This is lazy, incompetent, cynical, sexist crap all wrapped up in a fashion nightmare from hell.
After its initial release it died off and was not heard about anymore because it is a soulless, empty piece of film, with only its irritation and nonsensical plot holes making it in any way memorable.
If this film was an element it would appear on the periodic table between Horse Jizz and Gibbon Gonads.
Fuck this Element!


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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
confusedsoul at 2:09PM, July 11, 2009
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Hey, woah there! The Fifth Element was never held up as a shining example of sci-fi epic, it's a pop corn movie! People don't watch it for over arching storylines, characterisation beyond caricatures or in depth exlanations of future technology, thats the responsibility of over-bloated yawn fests like the Star Wars prequels.

The whole concept is based on an idea the director had as a teenager, hence the flying cars and 2000 storey buildings. The point of the future is that nobody actually has an idea of whats going to happen, which is why so many futuristic visions fall back on tried and tested ideas (flying ship cars, cloning, robots, aliens, space cruises, whatever) because the campy idealism left over from 50s futurism is fun, rather than constant Gears of War grey all the time.

Nobody spends any time on clothing in sci fi epics. Ever. Even armour gets a vague look in. If people remember it its an achievement in itself.

Bruce Willis mumbling is how he acts, second only to Nicholas Cage. Leeloo speaks a weird language the director made up and had to teach to the actress. Their onscreen romance is as convincing as every other action flick out there, with the female thrown in for wish-fulfillment on the mans part (regardless of whether the woman looks right or not).


Seriously Hark, it's just a campy sci-fi movie that tries to have at least a little different flair visually than some of the others. It's not dramatic, its not deep, it's meant to be fast, fun and unmemorable.

If you want an irritating, racially insensitive example of a movie ruiner, watch Transformers 2! That's a movie that deserves a rant like this!

I wouldn't have minded this so much, but this isn't a review, it's FUCK SHIT FUCK with character names added. Really disappointed, Hark.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 3:02PM, July 11, 2009
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Confusedsoul your scorn wounds me.
I suppose I should point out that this is simply my opinion of the movie which I hated. As you may notice all the ‘reviews’ in this section are me railing against movies that I felt incredibly let down or annoyed by.
If you like the movies, you are entitled to your opinion.
But I think saying I was just swearing randomly is very unfair. I was very specific about which features annoyed me and why. I just added swearing to express my massive distaste.

The fact it was based on an idea someone had as a teenager is not a defence. When someone had an idea does not justify that idea. I dont care if his daddy told him the idea on his death bed. That is irrelevant to my opinion of whether or not that idea is stupid.
Also the fact he ripped the taxi driver idea off from Heavy Metal makes me wonder exactly how inspired he was.

Lee-Loo speaks a weird language that sounds stupid and learns English from reading written down words. I don't care if the director made it up. It still sounded moronic and her method of learning English made no sense and her acting was embarrassing.

The onscreen romance was bad even by the standards of bad romances. The two characters never even had a freaking conversation! That is not a romance. That is just nonsense.
Even if it is on the level of other crappy romances and under developed love interests in movies, I don't see that as justifying it.
The fact that other bad movies have lowered the bar is no defence for this movie to put forward such lazy writing. The fact someone else did the same thing is not any sort of excuse.

It wasn't very fast, it wasn't very fun but it did succeed in being unmemorable, I will give you that.

Also I will accept that the movie was trying to do something different. It was an experiment…just an experiment that failed horribly.

But seriously, your scorn does hurt!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Wordweaver_three at 1:57AM, July 12, 2009
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I can't say that The Fifth Element was great. I was pretty disappointed that I spent 7.50 to see the movie (Actually, it was more like 20, since I took my girlfriend and bought popcorn). However, it's not as horrible as you make it out. Sure, it ain't no Star Wars, but it's not exactly Battlefield Earth either. This movie doesn't really take itself very seriously, unfortunately, (as you pointed out) neither do the actors. The movie also has so many glaring continuity errors and other mistakes that you have to wonder if they actually put anyone in charge of that. From Zorg's migrating limp, to the evil entity getting stopped only 62 miles from earth. An object couldn't possibly sustain an orbit that low, so it would fall to earth anyway. Even if it could stay in orbit, the gravitational mass would cause chaos. Earthquakes, tidal waves, storms, volcanoes, etc. That always bothered me. The biggest problem the movie has is the amount of suspension of belief it expects from the viewers. Two characters fall in love with only minimal interaction, everyone drives flying cars but for some unfathomable reason all live like sardines in a massive metropolis, Leeloo is a real redhead even though she has brown roots throughout the movie, someone would actually develop a gun with a big red button that makes it explode, the evil entity can communicate with Zorg through the phone in English.

With all it's faults, it does have a few moments. “Anyone else wanna negotiate?” Is a pretty good line, given the context. And, uh…

Wow, I guess that's it. You're right, that movie sucks.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
confusedsoul at 2:17AM, July 12, 2009
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Actually, if the flats are so small, where do the cars park?

I still like it though. I haven't seen it in a while, so it might be a case of like last night, when I saw Armaggedon again and found it to be quite a lot worse than I remember it being.

Or True Lies, now that was bad.

The Death Bed idea amuses me;

Father: Son, come closer!

Director: What is it father?

Father: I have a dream you muct fulfil. A dream of Opera singing aliens and spandex…
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 4:36AM, July 12, 2009
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Let me shock everybody….

I really really like Flash Gordon.
That movie is awesome!
It is camp, ridiculous, hillarious, genuinely exciting and features some of the best lines in cinema history ('I love you flash, but we only have 12 hours to save the earth!')
It is a fantastic film I would reccomend everyone see ('Gordons alive?')

So I am not asking that every movie about the future be dark and serious.
But at the same time, just saying “oh it is meant to be light hearted” is not an excuse for just making it crappy, with rubish slap stick and an unintelligible plot.
I feel like “you aren't meant to take it seriously” is being used as some sort of shield that all the lack of effort that went into this movie can hide behind.
The main defences of this film seem to be that I was expecting too much from it.
I dont think expecting a coherant, well plotted story, interesting chracters that I care about, action sequences that aren't boring and to leave the cinema without feeling disapointed are not unreasonable to expect from a supposed sci fi epic.

Also, I notice no one has tried to defend Chris Tucker so far.
That makes me feel vindicated.

Oh yeah and I just remembered something else I forgot that I hate in this movie.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
The film features a giant futuristic McDonalds with huge giant yellow M symbols everywhere.
So at least we know they made their money back on the whole deal by being shameless corporate whores.
Sadly the only thing this movie super sized was disapointment.

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Wordweaver_three at 9:55PM, July 16, 2009
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You like Flash Gordon?!?!?! My DM would love you. That movie had more primary colors then The Wizard of Oz. It actually burns images into your retinas. The football fighting scene? GAG! Oh, and how about the part where Flash is on the flying hawkmen jet ski to attack Mingo City? Why the fuck do hawkmen need flying jet ski's?
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 3:43AM, July 17, 2009
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WordWeaver flash has the jet ski, the bird men could fly under their own power.

“Gordon's alive?”

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
RED_NED at 5:09AM, July 17, 2009
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Flash gordon was awesome!!!

It had Brian Blessed in not many clothes, showing of his manly hairy chest, big bushy beard and some wings that his mum had made him for fancy dress sellotaped to his back. And it was coooooool!

Plus it had queen doing the theme song, and it's one of the best movie theme songs ever!

But anyway, Fifth Element was on TV last night so I'll chip in with some thoughts on this (M)assterpiece:

First impressions weren't good when some fat robots waddled in looking like they had shit themselves. The enemy bad guys actually impressed me with the facial animatronics. CGI has got so overused recently its nice to see something looking realistic. It was just a pity they appeared to look like Mick Jagger crossed with turds.

I was hoping to find something i liked while watching this film. and it didnt take long actually. The cigarettes had huge filters and only a tiny bit on the end was a cigarette. I thought that was kinda fun.

Why did they give that mentally handicapped woman ‘Thermal Bandages’ instead of clothes? They could clone a whole person from a single cell but couldn't decently cover them up. And surely they would have done that before they all gawped at her naked body like pre-teen pubescents? Nice to know the general of the earth is a sexual pervert.

Oh and the thing that reall annoyed me? Well i say annoy, it was more of a realisation of how the director had no grip on reality, or how foriegn languages work. The mental woman read what she saw on a sign to learn english.

SHE READ FROM A SIGN IN A LANGUAGE SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND???

Seriously words fail me. Lets play a game, you get lost in a foriegn country, and try to communicate with someone. Luckily, you spot a sign about orphans behind them! Yay, all is saved! so, use the sign to help you communicate:


Oh yeah I forgot, THAT DOESNT WORK!!!

I didnt watch until the end of this movie, it was getting late and i was kinda bored. I liked when the police captured some random guy and dragged him kicking and screaming in a body bag. I didnt mind bruce willis' orange vest tooo much, he wears vests all the time and orange wasn't the gayest colour they coulda chosen. He had a frilly body warmer he wore over the top though. Yeah…

All in all, not being homophobic or anything, I dub this film Fifth EleBENT
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 2:52PM, July 26, 2009
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I like how she got all the way to ‘War’ (complete with repeating stock footage) before having her “breakdown” there. lol!
Blood Martian Flowers. Occasionally updates.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 12:27PM, July 27, 2009
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Lostman- Yes I love the idea that after being shot at and attacked by all sorts of bad guys (including the police!) and being left badly injured by Gary Oldman, it was looking on the inter net at pictures of the nazis that convinced her humans are bad and that there is such a thing as war.
So actual violence was okay (even when she was doing it) but pictures of guys in uniforms from 400 odd years ago that had no acompanying words to explain why they were bad, made her wonder if we are worth saving.
I have to ask, were they trying to make the “perfect” woman seem like a moron on purpose?

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 2:26PM, July 27, 2009
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You'd have thought she came across “nazi”, “genocide”, “fascist”, “holocaust”, “violence”, or some such long before “war”. That is just a terrible encyclopedia.

I wasn't sure what to think when I saw this movie for the first time last year, but uh, “good” was not it.
Blood Martian Flowers. Occasionally updates.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 2:30PM, July 27, 2009
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The movie is too silly be to exciting, but not silly enough to be funny.
It doesn't work on any level.
Even the special effects look goofy these days (CGI never ages well!)
Though it still does not come close in terms of shitness to my all time worst, most hated movie ever….The Patriot! Dun Dun Durrr!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 10:32PM, July 29, 2009
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That, my fine friend, is where our opinions differ! The Patriot is the finest cinema experience one could have ever made since cinema itself was born! Mel Gibson is an acting god. The screen comes alive when Mel Gibson is around and grows cold and lonely when he's not. You have insulted MEL GIBSON'S honor, and I won't stand for this! At dawn, we duel!
Blood Martian Flowers. Occasionally updates.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 5:05AM, July 30, 2009
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Mr Lostman, I cant even think of a way to respond to that.

So I will have to respond in the words of Mel himself-

“Are you a JEW?!?!?”

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 5:15PM, July 30, 2009
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I overslept. Huh. =\

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN75px-0KIo

Oh, man, never has there been any greater film-making in the history of film-making! The sheer adrenaline of watching MEL GIBSON move his glorious body across the screen makes my heart swoon with angina. It is the thrill of the hunt. There can be no greater joy than watching a MEL GIBSON movie. Actually, there is no MEL GIBSON movie, only artistic masterpieces. You must be dead inside if you don't like art, you peasant!

Jew? Jews can't possibly appreciate his genius that is MEL GIBSOn! Only I can!, you fool! (I'm aware punctuation doesn't work that way! Just roll with it!)
Blood Martian Flowers. Occasionally updates.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 5:40PM, July 30, 2009
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Lostman I feel like you are goading me into making a review of The Patriot and why I hate it.
But frankly, this movie crosses such a bad movie moral event horizon that I dont feel I can even pass judgment on it in a funny way.

Every time I think about this movie I have to remind myself that not everyone in America is an asshole….Just everyone involved in the production of this film.

It is so bad that frankly no one should need me to elaborate the reasons why it is pure evil.

But I will say this…a guy who denies the holocaust trying to make out that the British committed nazi style war crimes? Now that's funny!
You have to wonder if Mel is not angry about the American Revolution, hes angry that his team lost in WW2!

EDIT- I made a slight improvement to your Mel Gibson video. I thought you needed something of mel that is a little more up to date…

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 9:18AM, Aug. 4, 2009
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No, Mr. Lostman! Every syllable is twice as important as the one that came after it! Like the order of children a parent has!

Review it. Do eeet! The failure to be funny will be funny itself. You have no limits. (Except the sky. Them's the breaks.)

Are you Canadian?

I would give my left n-uh, hmm, kidney to have been in such a fine clip as the one you have been so thoughtful as to provide me with!
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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 12:36PM, Aug. 4, 2009
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Canadian? That was a fairly random guess!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 1:10PM, Aug. 4, 2009
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Korean? (North or South, I don't discriminate!)
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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 2:18PM, Aug. 4, 2009
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Are you just pointing at an Atlas?

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 4:27PM, Aug. 4, 2009
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I bet you're Egyptian.



I was right!
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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 5:52PM, Aug. 4, 2009
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I only walk like one.

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 7:51AM, Aug. 5, 2009
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Do you enjoy Peruvian children's television?
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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 7:53AM, Aug. 5, 2009
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I like Paddington Bear, does that count?

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 4:35PM, Aug. 5, 2009
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No. It does not count.

Why didn't you tell me you were Swedish?
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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 7:01PM, Aug. 5, 2009
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Do you REALLY not know where I'm from?
Because the clues seem pretty obvious so far!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
Mr Lostman at 4:52PM, Aug. 8, 2009
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I give, you Carmen Sandiego you!
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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
confusedsoul at 5:55AM, Aug. 25, 2009
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"Where in the world is Harkovast?

Anyway, I propose this link with this video-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHqOWnZufEg

Which, if you watch, will help you form new opinions on Mel Gibson.
last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM
harkovast at 1:02PM, Aug. 25, 2009
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Confused Soul, excellent!

Though the difference between an idea and another special effect can be a tricky thing to understand!

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last edited on July 18, 2011 10:17AM

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