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Let's Read The Edge Chronicles : Beyond The Deepwoods
dragonestea at 2:05PM, Oct. 14, 2011
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Recently I read a hilarious blog entitled mark reads Twilight, wherein a single man attempts to read one of the worst books of all time and shares his thoughts. Reading this inspired me to do the same, but with Twilight and all its ungodly sequels already covered, what could be bad enough to warrant a beatdown from yours truly? There was only one option. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go back to the one piece of shlock that I have read that I can honestly say is worse than Twilight, but somebody needs to destroy this book and it may as well be me. You lucky naive fools are going to get to watch as I destroy my own sanity with The Edge Chronicles. My thoughts on the first chapter should be posted either later today or tomorrow. 
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ayesinback at 3:10PM, Oct. 14, 2011
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joined: 8-23-2010
dragonestea wrote:
You lucky naive fools are going to get to watch as I destroy my own sanity with The Edge Chronicles. My thoughts on the first chapter should be posted either later today or tomorrow.
 
LOL!
Thank you, dragonestea.  I don't know the book – but THIS is exactly the kind of spirit that I love about the dd community.  dragon is going to willingly take the bullet for us all.

I await.
under new management
last edited on Oct. 14, 2011 3:11PM
dragonestea at 8:01PM, Oct. 14, 2011
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posts: 62
joined: 3-2-2011
Wow, I'd forgotten how abysmally stupid this book was. For those of you lucky enough to have never read this I ask you: Can a book have any hope if the first line reads “Twig sat on the floor between his mother's knees?”
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I didn't think so.
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Let's get this party started. Twig is a human living with a bunch of homely idiots known as wood Trolls. Despite having been brought up on their food his entire life, it is established that he hates the very smell of it. This is brought up to tell us that he is, in fact, adopted, but seriously, what kind of ignoramus would be too stupid to figure that out? The kid is twelve years old and already taller than the adults, he has an entirely different build, and his skin is a different texture. Only a complete idiot would be unable to connect the dots.
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His mom decides to tell Twig the story of how he was named. Twig has heard this tale a bajillion times before, so obviously this is meant to give the reader important exposition. Or maybe it only exists to tell us why our protagonist has such a stupid name.

And that was just the first page
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I was worried since I hadn't read this book in a while that perhaps it would take me a while to reach the really stupid stuff, but to my great…… joy, it starts on the second page. We see that twig has experienced great pain and suffering in his childhood because he feels *tear* DIFFERENT. It might not sound so bad now, but the madness has set in, and things only get worse from here.
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The plot takes a break now to discuss how the forest has special wood which does all manner of stupid crap. It floats while burning because…….. derp, and various types make various noises such as singing or screaming or any number of other things that people really shouldn't have to worry about while dealing with a fire. What manner of nonsensical convoluted scientific principles does this world run by? What evolutionary adaptation could this possibly serve? Is it magic? Is it some form of biology? Even when creating a fictional world there are limits. You can't just toss something like that at us and just expect us to accept it without some explanation.
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We learn that our protagonist (I refuse to use the term “hero” when describing Twig) learned to walk early but the little dumbface couldn't speak his first word even at age three. He's not allowed to be named until he does so, and having a name is very important so that you don't get screwed in the woodtroll afterlife. 
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Then there is another pointless break to say that some troll had once told him that you could smell home, and he ponders why he hates the smells in his home. Could it possibly be that he's *gasp* adopted? What's with the pointless foreshadowing? Even the most mentally handicapped rodent on the face of the earth can put two and two together here.
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As if this chapter hates Twig's mom's story as much as I do, the subject changes to something else unrelated without even going back to check in. Twig apparently gets beaten up a lot because he is *tear* DIFFERENT. He always goes back to his father wanting hugs and kisses and candy and to be told that he's the bestest little boy ever and those meanie-weanie woodtrolls are bad and awful people. His father does what a good father does and tells Twig to stop being a little bitch, suck it the hell up, and next time they're mean to him assert himself. Apparently, however, we are supposed to take Twig's side in all of this. Oh dear Lord, this little turd is a self insert isn't he? What little social reject wrote this?
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Paul Stewart & Chris Riddell? THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE WRITING THIS AND BOTH OF THEM THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS, I DON'T EVEN
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Look, I know what it's like to be ostracized as a kid, hell it even happened to me for several of the same reasons. I was an individual in a conformist school, I was taller than all the other kids but not nearly as strong (I'm 6'7" now if that gives you any idea) and as a result of these things I never really fit in. So you know what I did? instead of feeling sorry for myself I decided to become someone that would be respected. Now I'm an alpha male and I have a wide circle of friends, all of this without losing sight of who I am. Patting someone who is different on the head and telling them they're great and wonderful is the worst thing you can do for them.
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Twig needs to stop calling his mom mother-mine by the way. It sounds stupid.
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Anyway, since Twig is so dirt-stupid that he can't speak at age three (not that all people with delayed speech development are stupid, but in Twig's case I think it's a pretty safe bet.) his mom breaks the rules and decides to name him anyway using a weird ritual wherein she cuts one of those dumb talking twigs in the forest and burns it. In theory the twig should spit out a name when burned, but the forest wants nothing to do with the little bastard (I can sympathize) and refuses to name him. It is around this point that we learn that the kid still has a security blanket. MAY I REMIND YOU THAT HE IS LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY FROM BEING THIRTEEN. 
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At any rate, twig is taken to the village elder or whatever the hell he is, and lets him touch the security blanket (it's called a comfort cloth, but I think security blanket is more appropriate.) which is an uber big deal cause he never does that and then when the elder tries to name him twig interrupts him to speak his first word: Twig. and because it apparently eludes the elder that this is really dumb name they decide to just call him that. Also the elder calls him SPECIAL for the first time instead of *tear* DIFFERENT. somehow Twig seems to think this is an improvement. Obviously he has no idea what most people mean when they call a complete idiot special.
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Then we hear about how Twig got his ass beat the hell up one time for being *tear* DIFFERENT when he goes off the path to score in a basketball-esque game.
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Why? Going off the path is a big no-no to woodtrolls because they are a race of pansies that think they're gonna die if they move three feet from civilization, and if you put yourself in danger from whatever forces there are that the path somehow wards off for no reason (seriously a path being there wouldn't stop a predator. WTF?) and if you put yourself in that danger you are in for the beating of a lifetime. (since when to kids think that way? Kids who face danger get mad props in real childhood circles.) and even your friends will betray you (in the same sentence they are introduced no less. Why should I care again?) and give your fragile little arms the dreaded indian rope burn OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!!
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Then there is some revelation that Twig may or may not have Pirates after him. It is exactly as dumb as it sounds. For this reason it is decided that he should go live with a relative for a while. Also, Twig's mom has a confession to make: Twig is adopted.
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FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU HOW DID HE NOT KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!?!
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You know what? I'm not even going to hurt my brain trying to think about it. 
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I hope you guys like this and please take the opportunity to read through what little there is of my comic.
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dragonestea at 11:46AM, Nov. 2, 2011
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posts: 62
joined: 3-2-2011
WOOT! finally got a chance to do one of these for chapter 2, wherein Twig's mother proves that she is trying to kill her son, the authors demonstrate a woefully inadequate knowledge of the animal kingdom, and we learn our hero is a racist. Somehow I'm not surprised. 
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When the chapter opens, Twig has just turned 13 and is being sent away to his relatives to hide from sky pirates. Since this is the deepwoods and there's crazy shit waiting to kill you around every corner, Twig's mom decides that sending him off at night for no apparent reason is a super awesome idea. It's kewl though, because he'll be fine so long as he sticks to the path. Remember when it was established that the path has magical warding powers to keep predators away? me neither, so I assume anything could kill him at any time. I sincerely wish that would happen.
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Then the authors show us their amazing powers of thinking up random-ass names for the fauna of their world. There are quarms and fromps and razorflits and leafgobblers. How special. 
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Fantasy world writing 101: nobody gives a flying crap about your ability to think up random noises or combine existing words and assign them to imaginary animals. Don't introduce fictional fauna unless it's relevant to the plot. It's pointless and distracting and doesn't really help create atmosphere because we never learn anything about these creatures and therefore have nothing to relate to. I mean, I assume the leafgobbler gobbles leaves, but that isn't really enough to go on.
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It doesn't take Twig long to notice that the dark, frozen deepwoods are sewper purdy and this enough to get him to leave the path, you know, THE ONE THING HE WAS TOLD NOT TO DO. He just sort of waltzes off to see the sights without paying any attention to where he's going. He soon loses track of where the path is entirely, just in time to realize there are eyes looking out at him from every angle as the various poorly named critters of the forest size him up for a midnight snack. Twig yells at himself, calling himself STUPID STUPID STUPID! I couldn't agree more, especially considering that all that noise is probably attracting even more unwanted attention. 
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Soon twig is spotted by a halitoad. A giant carnivorous toad that is described as being a “huge and dangerous reptile.”
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JKSJIUYFCUYCWMIAIXOIJCWHCOHSBDAOIHBFOICHJAOBSNcKIxTHRISTRHHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOADS ARE AMPHIBIANS YOU STUPID WASTES OF SPACE! REPEAT SECOND GRADE!
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At any rate, the halitoad (probably realizing that eating Twig would give severe indigestion) eats some other random irrelevant creature by killing it with its bad breath. no, no don't go back to double check, you read that correctly. It kills with bad breath. I wish someone would kill ME right now.
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Twig, still lost and still incompetent, swears “gloamglozer” and begs for help. The Gloamglozer is the biggest baddest thing in all the forest. It has two main powers: being a shapeshifter, and having the stupidest name of any of these stupidly named creatures. This apparenly means that it's name is a swear word. Suddenly he hears a cry for help. He runs toward it and falls over a kid with red hair and a swollen leg. He identifies him by the hair as a slayer The slayers, despite their name, are peaceable and only have that title because they make a living slaughtering livestock. For some reason everyone dislikes them and doesn't want to be associated with them. This is what I like to call insufferable bigotry. What the hell did these poor people DO? Are al the denizens of the deepwoods members of PETA or something? 
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At any rate, Twig gets over his equivalent of white supremacism in time to help the kid out. He uses his naming knife to kill a creature called a hoverworm that attacks them, which sounds badass until you realize that the hoverworm is basically a baloon with a mouth. The kid starts to pull an Aunt Marge on Twig, as the infection from his injury (which I assume was a hoverworm bite) causes his whole body to swell up and become lighter. He tells Twig he will lead him to where the slaughterers live. As the kid continues to get lighter, Twig ties him to himself like a good dumbass. The chapter ends with the two floating off into the sky, and Twig realizing he won't be missed. If only the story would end there.
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If you're enjoying this let's read so far, please check out my comic, Life Evolves. Or don't. But if you don't you will be killed by my personal spy penguins. They know where you live.
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