The Mariachi Blog

Christmas Theorum of Equivalent Exchange
professormariachi at 4:55PM, Dec. 18, 2009
posts: 1
joined: 10-19-2009
I hate the internet. It always crashes at the most inopportune time, like when you're fully three quarters of the way through writing a complex blog. It is now seven days to Christmas, fully one week, and I am actually finished all of my Christmas shopping. Excite! As rare and strange as this particular occurrence is, I know there is more to come. Why, you ask? How is it possible you've finished your shopping and still have more to do? Well, let me explain the laws of equivalent gift giving. Whether I finish my holiday shopping on July 2nd or December 24th, someone I know, who hasn't been presented with a customary holiday token, will approach with a sinister smile, saying “Merry Christmas,” through half clenched teeth. They will present me with a gift. It will, one hundred percent of the time, either by extremely awesome, super expensive, or a combination of the two. Shell shocked, I will extend my hand to accept, blurt out “I've got something for you too,” reach around in my bag, come up looking crestfallen and claim, “I must have left it at home. I'll get it for you tomorrow.” I will then seize a break in the conversation to dash off and spend the last few pennies in my poor abused bank account to procure for the giver, a gift of equivalent intrinsic and social value, to avoid overwhelming and long lasting guilt pangs. This happens every year. With. Out. Fail. C'mon, you know what I'm talking about.

I've finally created a theorum to describe this situation, so you can predict the number of unexpected gifts you will recieve in a given holiday season. Keep in mind I am no Math major, and this was made possible only by the subsidies and assistance provided by copious amounts of Tylenol, and the support of a number of bipedal primapes.

So, here goes nothing.

If x= the number of dollars in my bank account, then y (no pun intended, the value of the gifts given to me by unreciprocated givers) will always equal 2x or greater, never x, and never ever less than x. If x=0, y usually equals x squared, and sometimes x cubed. If x equals less than zero, y will always be greater than x cubed, and generally, there will be multiple y factors in the Christmas equation.

If I am a student during Christmastime, the s factor is in effect. Regardless of the value for y, s always makes x equal less than 10 percent of the y value. The s factor often makes x worth less than 0.

If the s factor is in effect and causes x to be worth less than zero, then the f factor for (frustration) must be put into the equation. Frustration or f is always equal to x times y, shown as xy=f.

TO solve, the equation must be divided by C, an independent factor representing a measurable quantity of Christmas Cheer, based on annual snowfall, work hours, and exam timing.

After collecting adequate data, you should be able to solve the equation and determine B, or the amount of Bah Humbug in a given Christmas season.

Follow these simple steps and you will be able to calculate your own amount of bah humbug based on equaivalent gift exchange.

Happy Birthday Jesus

last edited on July 18, 2011 10:15AM

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