Love is an evasive concept to pin down. Everyone acts like they know what it is, but few can discern whether they're actually experiencing it. A lot of fiction and movies are to blame for that, since they often label as love toxic relationships, stalking, or even outright abuse of various kinds.

Many women have childhood stories to narrate where they were told that a boy that was teasing them or even bullying them, was doing it because he was having a crush on them- the worst thing to tell a developing child. Same goes for any boys that were given similar explanations for girl bullies, by the way. Love is a wondrous thing, but we are rarely taught to recognize it and look for its actual, true languages.

So what is a love language?

A love language is a set of behaviors that a person (or in the case of a story, a character) manifests that are constructive to their environment and/or specifically designed to make someone else feel wanted, seen, and appreciated or considered.

A love language can be anything, but some pretty prevalent and universal ones are:

Cooking for others

Active listening

Celebrating wins, being there for defeats

Offering a lifeline in a time of need or crisis

Offering shelter or protection of any sort when it's needed (especially when it's asked)

Not enabling things that are objectively setting someone back (i.e. not offering sweets to someone who wants to diet or holding someone accountable that wants to quit smoking, etc)

Encouraging positive change in pragmatic, doable ways

…and much more.

A love language could even simply be playing a game with someone just because it means a lot to them.

So what is the difference between a love language and love bombing?

The first thing is that a love language is more or less perpetual. The person doesn't shower someone with these behaviors for a finite period of time, only to withdraw them when they finally let their guard down. Love bombing never comes from a genuine place of concern and love. It comes from calculation and manipulation- even if it's so ingrained the person doesn't realise it (though most of the times they do).

A love language is part of the person's personality. It's who they are. To withdraw their love language is to withdraw themselves, rather than manifest some dramatic shift in their behaviors. It is also non-conditional, unlike love bombing. A love language, by the way, isn't strictly romantic. It manifests in all aspects of a person's life and behavior, if they have one: for friends, for acquaintances, even for strangers if the person perceives them as needing something they can (or should) offer. Someone who only has a love language for a romantic interest isn't actually being sincere.

And this distinction can make for great writing and character design. For example, a character might seem distant and unable to verbally get across their love, but they might do little (or big) things that demonstrate it. In contrast, another character may be able to verbally profess love or affection but behaviorally do nothing to show concern, compassion, or respect of the person they profess they love (in any way).

Now, there are inhibitions that could mute someone's love language. They may be too self conscious to offer their food to someone, or too hurt to offer emotional support to someone else, or any other circumstance that hinders a love language's manifestation.

Despite that, hints of it will surface in moments where it matters. They may be too coy to offer their food, but they will feed someone if nobody else is there to do it and they can't. They may be too hurt to offer emotional support themselves, but they may solicit someone else's help to do it instead, and so on.

A character arc could hinge on unearthing the love language- helping the person heal so those inhibitions fall off and they can manifest their true self.

Because a love language is also addressed to one's own self. Cooking for yourself the way you cook for others (assuming cooking is your love language) is how things should be- whether the cooking is making a toasted sandwich as opposed to some more elaborate dish or not. Self care is a love language.

Love languages can also be quite subtle, noticeable only when they stop. That can be a powerful narrative moment for when a character experiences that sudden lack of what was taken for granted, for example, and it can be jarring for the audience too if their attention wasn't on such details. It can be equally powerful when a character suddenly experiences real love language behaviors from others when they hadn't before and has been taught never to expect it (e.g. a person that is a survivor from abuse).

All in all, love languages can offer to a story what spices offer to food: a heightening of all other flavors, when used right.

What are your characters' love languages?

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