Tournament

Evil Emperor Nick on Sept. 19, 2007

Havenshire Harbinger September 20th 2007

On my mind: By Vinessa Tress

Cell Phones are the life blood of our society. They empower us to instantly communicate on the go any time allowing our society to move at almost the speed of thought. Cell phones however are also a hazard to your health.

For while using them the odds of someone beating the holy hell out of you rises up to 47%. Recently a member of Havenshire Univesity found this out the hard way when a mysterious red haired vigilante beat a one, Morty Jameson, with his own cell phone. Morty apparently was in a conversation with his mother about his brother's uncontrollable bladder when this mysterious man struck.

Witnesses on the scene despite being in plain view were unable to give an accurate description to the authorities when questioned in this matter despite the event having taken place in the courtyard which is in plain view of the whole dorm. Many witnesses claim they were trying to tune Morty out and thus his screams of pain where unheard and his attacker made a clean get away.

Several pictures of Morty, apparently taken from his own camera built into his cellphone while the beating took place show Morty and wild flowing locks of blurry red hair.

Morty's incident is just one of many here at Havenshire where a string of cellphone beatings have taken place. Cellphone induced violence is apparently the second highest crime next to vending machine theft here at Havenshire. Though if you include the campus charter against body odor, then the third.

This author recommends to protect yourself if you must speak on a cellphone in a public forum: speak quietly. Just like many people turn up their TV's to listen to important dialog the other party or parties in on your phone conversation can on most phones turn up the volume to hear you properly if they need to meaning how loud you speak is largely irrelevant.

Also remember there are some subjects best discussed in private. This includes any conversation about bodily functions, I really can't stress this enough.

Finally remember your conversation should probably come second to any other activity you are engaging in at the time of the phone call such as walking, breathing, and not being a jerkwad to the people around you.

If you follow these three easy tips you can help guard yourself against cellphone violence and the subsequent humiliating photos involved.

(Please note while author does not endorse violence against any party she does get a certain sense of satifaction at knowing it was done to jerkwads with cellphones and may giggle despite the hypocracy of such an act considering her moral code of non-violence but truely deep down she feels deeply for all jerkwads. Additionally, people who talk during movies may fall into the category of jerkwads and she wouldn't mind seeing something bad happen to them, just an FYI.)