small desert town
(kooky salloon people - bartender, musician, singing whore (oz))
stranger rides in
stranger gets into trouble - protests price of beer
(Ineffective Sheriff, dopey deputies)
nasty dynamite bandits control the town
stranger shows how tough she is
ineffective current sheriff/deputy
stranger made sheriff in order to defeat bandits
Stranger refuses to conform to town’s conspiracy
stranger defeats bandits, yo.
…and rides away.
(with allllllll his dynamite)
Lady Stranger: Pitface
Piano Player: Ozone
Bandit One: Banes
Bandit Two: Tantz
Bandit three: Pitface
Bandit four four: Ozone
Oz Narrator: It was a dry and dusty day in the lonely desert town of kooksville.
A stranger rode in on a three legged horse named tipsy on account of it’s drinkin problem, but also it’s hard to stand up when you only have three legs.
Banes Horse: “Horse farts”
Pit Stranger: “Hold on there Tipsy, I’ll tie you up and give ya a whisky!”
Banes Horse: Approves.
Oz Narrator: The Stranger rides up languidly to the tying post and ties up Tipsy, and hops off, spurs tingling in the stillness of the late afternoon… and then the Stranger makes her entry into the Saloon.
The few stragglers still in the saloon and not having honest to God supper with their wives, glare at the stranger a moment as she walks up to the bar, leaning over it, returning the glances in kind. The music playing on the piano reminds her of her home.
Tantz Bartender: Weeeell, darlin’ whatcha gonna be gettin, what’s yer poison?
Pit Stranger: I’ll have a tall cool glass of fermented cactus juice with the flower in it.
Tantz Bartender: Prickles or no prickles daaarlin?
Pit Stranger: Well I’m on a diet so I’ll have to go without.
Tantz Bartender: Suit yerself darlin. Still n’ excellent choice. (makes it, slides it) Here y’go darlin, that’ll be 4 bucks! Or yer flea beaten’ lame horse!
Tantz Stranger: 4 dollars!? I sold my younger brother Clitus fer less n’ that! An my brother Enis fer half that again!
TANTZ Bartender: Well darlin’ I s’pose that’s what yer dirty named ol brother was worth now wasn’t he? Still 4 bucks fer yer prickle free sweeeeet fermented cactus juice.
Pit Stranger: Well (as she drinks it) I ain’t payin’ 4 bucks fer suckin on yer cactus!
Oz Narrator: Tension starts to heighten as the pianola player stops suddenly and runs for cover behind it. Everyone is staring.S
Tantz Bartender: Well darlin, then I s’pose my boys here have t’just take it. Or you if there’s anythin’ t’take!
Pit Stranger: Don’t make me flip that table miss cuz ya know there’s gonna be fighting ALL OVER.
Tantz Bartender: Well see how that works fer ya darlin, why doncha?
Stranger: Well I shall! (starts flipping tables and cause mayhem)
Oz Narrator: Bartender gets shotgun from under the counter and cocks it, firing a warning shot
Tantz Bartender: Y’ALL GETCHYER ARSES OUTTA MAH ESTABLISHMENT! SHERIFF!
Banes Sheriff, Pecos Banes: Awright Stranger step away from well everythin!
Oz Narrator: With a mighty Amazonian war cry (wait for scream) she Throws the cactus drink in the bartender’s face. The Bartender responds with her own wrathful squeal.
Tantz Bartender: (Screams like a Banshee)
Oz Narrator: The bartender launches herself over the bar carrying her shotgun and cocking it repeatedly until it fires by itself with abandon as guns are known to do.
Oz Narrator: The stranger smashes EVERYTHING.
The sheriff grabs her from behind.
Pit Stranger: Who’s that on my tuccos?
Oz Narrator: She turns to face him and their eyes meet. There’s a smouldering sexual tension!
Banes Sheriff: It’s me… Pecos Banes. Sheriff Pecos Banes.
Pit Stranger: I like yew! I feel a sexual tension. How bout you?
Banes Sheriff: ‘S all right.
Pit Stranger: How bout me an yew find some place quiet to work it out?
Tantz Bartender: You git her out of my fine establishment!
Oz Narrator: At the jailhouse there’s only the one cell and it’s occupied by a belligerent old prospector.
Banes Hayseed: Sheriff, what’re we got here? Tehehehe! That’s a plum little filly if ever I saw one! Lock her in here right quick! I’ll set her straight and show her the error of her ways.
Banes Sheriff: Hayseed, you swine! Quit cactus-blockin! , we can never git rid of thatbackwater hillbilly, always endin’ up here n’ ruinin’ my moves.
Pit Stranger: Cactus blocker! Well you know what Sheriff lemme in t’havea go at th’bastard n’ teach ‘m what errin’ really means
banes Sheriff: I notice you got some mighty big bar smashin’ guns there. When you flipped over that table and crushed that family of 7 including that little baby I have to say I was pretty dern impressed!
Pit Stranger: (amorously) Why sheriff, I didn’t think you noticed!
Banes Sheriff: Shorely did. You got some pow’ful arms fer a lady, Stranger.
Pit Stranger: I got ‘em from milkin’ oxes.
Banes Sheriff: So whattaya think? Be my deputy?
Pit Stranger: Deputy? Me?
Banes Sheriff: We’d have to work real…real…close.
Pit Stranger: As long as you let me teach that darn prospector a thang or two.
Banes Sheriff: Go right ahead!
Banes Hayseed: Hohohohoh yeah! Come right in baby! Sit right down on old hayseed’s lap. Pucker up and gimme a smooch, right on the beard! That’s it baby, come closer.
What? Noooooo Arrrrghhh! What are you doing to me! Stop beating me! It’s inhuman! Nooo! Ouch! Owww Not the face! NO!! My money maker! ANything but the face! Please!Please no! Ouchimumma! My spleen. My kidneys! No, I’ll be peeing blood for a week. Again… Not the jewels!
Banes Sherrif: So deputy. Are you ready for your first job?
Pit Stranger: Why that I am!
Banes Sheriff: The bank train is a commin through at noon.
Pit Stranger: Bank Train?
Banes Sheriff: It’s a bank. On a train. We keep it movin. Fer security. We’re real progressive. We have to protect it from the Dynamite gang who will surely try and rob it as they do every time the bank pulls in to town.
oz Narrator: Meanwhile the dynamite gang are preparing to ride into town and rob the bank train
BANES Bandit one: Boomin is our business and business is boomin! Ya dirty mudder fuckker!
TANTZ Bandit two: We say that when we ride into town! Not between ourselves, how many times do I have to tell you that?
PIT Bandit Three: Yeah dumbass!
BANES Bandit one: Screw you!
OZ Bandit four: Aw, why don’t you leave him be? He’s just a little excited, it’s past his bed time and this is a special occasion.
BANES Bandit one: Stop pinching my cheeks!
OZ Bandit four: Who’s a cute widdle bandit? Who’s a cute widdle bandit?
OZ Narrator: The stranger is sitting on her horse, guarding the main entrance into town when three desperados ride up.
PIT Stranger: Hold on there sexy! Boy I like the way you ride that horse! You got a pretty mouth.
TANTZ Bandit two: Whaaaat? Why arencha coverin’ yer face you dimwit! That’s what th’ bandana’s FOR!
BANES Bandit one: Yer looking might fine yerself there stranger. I like the way your arms fill out that dress!
PIT Stranger: So where you fellas heading.
PIT Bandit three: Boobies are our business and business is boobies!
PIT Stranger: My face is up here!
TANTZ Bandit two: That’s why we’re looking down there!
BANES Bandit one: We’re gonna rob a train, wanna help us?
PIT Stranger: I’m a newly sworn in deputy, it’d be mighty immoral of me to turn around and rob the bank train. Lucky I have no morals!
BANES Bandit one: Yipeekiyaakiyoo!!!!!!! Fall in and let’s ride out!
(boom boom booom boom boob)
TANTZ Bandit two: Good one dumbass! Yer used up all your dynamite!
PIT Bandit three: Here have sum of mine.
TANTZ Bandit two: Let’s git to the train, it’s almost here!
OZ Narrator: The bandits ride up to the train station in a cloud of dust, just as the the bank train pulls in.
OZ Narrator: Meanwhile in the destroyed saloon.
OZ Piano player: Get some light over here, I think there’s more people trapped under that table.
TANTZ Bartender: Hurry up and get them out of there! They aint paid yet!
OZ Piano Player: OK, and there’s another one here.
TANTZ Bartender: Leave him, he’s all paid up all ready.
OZ Piano Player: I think that’s the last of them then.
Tantz Bartender: Who’s gonna pay for this smashed up bar and all the wasted cactus juice.
Oz Narrator: Well, you know there’s a train full of gold just pulled into town.
Tantz Bartender: Who’re you?
Oz Narrator: I’m the narrator of course!
Oz Piano Player: What’s that?
Oz Narrator: The guy that reads all the boring bits and explains what’s going on!
Oz Piano player: You can read?! Boy howdy, that’s really sumpin!
Tantz Bartender: Then seeing as you know so much, why don’t you come and help us get some of that gold?
Oz Narrator: Unfortunately, my principles won’t allow me to-
Oz Narrator: Ahem…I mean, I’d be happy to! Let’s ride!
Oz Narrator: Meanwhile back at the train
Tantz Bartender: Who’re you talking to?
Oz Narrator: Madame, I still have a job to do!
Oz Piano Player: Whatever, as long as you help us rob the train(shakes booty)
Oz Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the train, the bandits and the lady stranger ride up to the train.
Banes Sheriff: Lady stranger! What are you doing with the dynamite bandits.
Pit Stranger: I like you sheriff, I feel a sexual tension between us, But I also feel it between Bandit number one as well, plus, he has dynomite, so you know… there’s that.
Banes Sheriff: Noooo! You’re the love of my life! I will now sing a song to properly express how I feel:
I feel like my heart has been pulled for my chest
You have put my sanity to the test.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the balls
I’m too depressed to even make cat calls
My nights are forever without moonlight
I try with all of my He-mite
I just can’t get over you!
Love is a cowpie…
And it’s gone cold,
Like putrid meat.
Oz Narrator: The train pulls away from the station and they all quickly climb aboard.
Banes Bandit one: You stop this train right now and give us all your gold or we’ll blow it to smithereens!
Tantz Bandit two: Don’t blow the train your dumbass! You’ll destroy all the Gold!
Pit Bandit three: Hehehe, Dumbass!
Banes Bandit one: It was just a threat you idjit! Now what have we got to compel them with?
TantsBandit two: Well it was your dumb idea to call us the dynamite bandits! Dynomite is a stupid weapon!
Pit Bandit Three: Hehee, Dumbass!
Banes Bandit one: Shutup you! Take this
(dynomite fizzing and kabooming)
Pit Bandit three: Aiyeeee!
Banes Bandit two: You idiot! He was one of us!
Bandit one: You can have some as well!
(dynomite fizzing and kabooming)
Tantz Bandit Two: Farrrrrrrrrkt
Oz Narrator: The bartender runs past with a sack full of gold and up to the roof of the train. The sheriff, Bandit One and the lady stranger follow hot on her heels.
Banes Sheriff: Bartender, what’re you doing here? Why aren’t you tending bar?
Tantz Bartender: There AIN’T no bar to TEND you bumpkin! So I’m taking what’s owed me and gettin while the gettin’s good!
Pit stranger: I feel a strong sexual tension here right now.
Tantz Bartender: There sure is! Between me and my Sack’s a-gold! Git out of m’way cactus juice sucker! WITHOUT the prickles!
Banes Sheriff: I’ll give you a prickle!
Tantz Bartender: I’ve SEEN yer prickle and I wasn’t a whole lot impressed!
Banes Bandit one: Shutup all of yous or I’ll blow yous up!
Banes Sheriff: You’ll blow yourself up as well you dumbass!
Banes Bandit One: why’s everyone keep calling me that?
Tantz Bartender: Maybe because you IS one! Dumbass!
Pit Stranger: This sexual tension is gettin explosive!
Tantz Bartender: Whatch out with that dynomite!
(Kaboom! Gold coins tinkling, train noises)
OZ Narrator: and that’s how I made my fortune. Being a narrator has it’s advantages. The Piano Player and I waited at the side of the tracks for the explosion and the money all but fell into our pockets. We rode off into the sunset on a horse named tipsy.
OZ Piano Player: What are we gonna do with all this gold?
Oz Narrator: I don’t know but it sure brings out the yellow in your eyes
Pit Stranger: I feel a sexual tension.
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