I’m going to wake up, I’m quite sure of that. I’ve woken up many times before, and I currently have no real interest in changing that habit. So, first I am going to sleep, have some dangerous and weird adventures that I will either forget or repress once I stop dreaming, and then I´m going to wake up. And suddenly it´s the weekend. And then I´m probably going to have some breakfast.

I´ve been told that there will be rain this weekend, turning every single thing outside into a slightly more soggy version of each of those things. I hope they´re right about the rain. They usually are. I´m wondering if it is going to rain because we expect it, or whether we expect rain because it is going to come. Both of those options seem equally unlikely to me. Maybe I´ll read a little after breakfast, I have Terry Pratchett´s Raising Steam by my bedside and I’ll keep reading his work until I reach the end. And then I’ll start over. Or maybe I’ll just read all of Locke and Key instead. That is always fun as well.

I´m going to play some music on my phone this weekend. I´m quite sure of that. I´ve done it many times before, and I currently have no real interest in changing my habits. Maybe I’ll listen to some Pentatonix, or some Mogwai, or maybe I´ll just play the Thomas Was Alone soundtrack on loop for a while. I like looping my songs. They give me a feeling of endlessness. As long as the song keeps playing, there doesn´t need to be an ending. And as long as there is no ending, you don´t need to think about what comes after. The idea of an afterlife terrifies me. They say that your life flashes in front of your eyes before you die. I hope that that includes the flashback, because I´d like to loop this life for a while. Maybe I’ll go for a walk in the rain with my dog.

I’ll regret my decision to go for a walk after mere minutes, I’m quite sure of that. I’ve regretted it many times before, but I currently have no real interest in changing my habits, my routine. So I guess I’ll keep making the same mistakes. Daisy will chase after imaginary threats, or jump into slightly less imaginary pools of mud, and I’ll just have to get annoyed by that in silence. I’ll turn up the volume of Daft Punk’s Veridis Quo, and try to enjoy myself. Trying to enjoy myself is annoying, which means that I need to try harder, and the recurring nature of that action annoys me. After I get home I’ll lock myself in my bedroom, and write something new.

And when I get to my room, after sneaking in a few minutes of Gaiman’s Instructions, I will write:

“Slowly, the man turned around, and saw himself reflected a thousand times. Every reflection a little smaller. Half of the reflections turned away, staring at something far into the infinite distance behind him. A small hint of fear made its way into the man’s mind. What were they looking at, behind his back? He needed to see for himself. Slowly, the man turned around…”

It will be important to me, in some ways I can’t quite figure out. Maybe there’ll be a story in it? The terrifying nature of infinity. I’ll think about it for a second, crumple it up, and write something else. I always end up throwing my writing away. Or maybe this time I’ll keep it, and put it into a folder, and forget about it for years. There’s really no difference between the two options. I´ll look at the row of books on the shelves above my desk, and at the stacks of books on every other horizontal surface of my bedroom, and I´ll feel inadequate. Hundreds of writers, hundreds of books, each containing a combination of words that I’m not good enough to come up with. And the very idea of not being able to express my thoughts as adequately as they do makes me want to not even try. Which ensures that I´ll never succeed. I’ll give myself a few seconds of depression, breathe deeply, and grab another sheet of paper. I’ll write for an hour, about the nature of infinity, and after that I’ll probably focus on some school work.

School work will go slowly, as I will be distracted by something I can’t quite place. As the evening crawls ever closer, I’ll probably share a meal with my family. The Alpha male will cook, as his spawn sets the table. I won’t be asked, but I’ll help her anyway. I probably won’t enjoy the meal, or maybe I will, it makes no difference. Routine. Small variations, but everything important always happens the same way. There will be topics of conversation, each of exactly equal interest to me, and I will finally leave the table, still distracted by… something. There’s always some small sentence, or a single word. And the more I focus on it, the deeper it goes, digging round and round my thoughts. Forever. After dinner, I’ll probably go for another walk, without the dog this time.

There will be stars. I’m quite sure of that. An infinite number of stars, stretching out farther and farther. I shouldn’t look at it. I shouldn’t think about it. The bigger something is, the smaller I am by comparison. I’ll never be able to do… Anything. And I’ll panic about that for a second, and then I’ll breathe in deeply, and then I’ll get distracted by something insignificant again. Maybe there’ll be other people in the park. Maybe there’ll be rain. I’m quite sure there will be. And when I get home again, there’s bound to be something interesting on TV.

A show about zombies, followed by commercials, followed by a show about the wars of the roses. But somehow with dragons. And I’m quite sure that that show started with zombies too. And then there’ll be some more commercials. The shows are designed to keep me interested, and the commercials are designed to pay for more shows. More loops, everywhere. I’ll end the day with a few episodes from some stupid sitcom. Every episode ending with everything exactly the way it started. And then I’ll go to sleep.

My Sunday will most likely be filled with a lot of the same. Obsessing over some detail, some concept. It´s how I spend my life. Maybe Sunday will be filled with religion, or politics, or videogames. Maybe I´ll even crawl out of my head for long enough to think about cooking, or just play a few games, or maybe I´ll finally get to those rewrites I´ve been meaning to get to. So, that´s how I´m going to spend my weekend. What about you? Any big easter plans?

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Thanks so much to Kroatz for writing this very self-reflective piece in place of my usual (very unsophisticated in comparison) newspost! Kroatz is also running this year's radio play, so be on the lookout for news regarding that in the upcoming weeks and months!

This newspost is the first in a series of three guest posts that I'll be putting up while I'm busy with the last of my coursework. Be sure to check in next Friday when KimLuster will be our guest contributor!

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