Hi! So Spooky Season has begun and my brain has gone into fart mode and it's currently slow on bringing up topics right now!
But I thought something interesting would be to do a review on movies, pick them apart, talk about what's good and what's bad about it and I'll only be doing this to movies that fall into the horror genre, if this isn't your cup of tea, please feel free to just skip every Sunday article.
So, to start off, “I know WHAT you did Last Summer”
Warning, I will be using some minor vulgar language in this and making horrible jokes.
Gorgeous cast, interesting story and the movie has a beautiful soundtrack.
The movie starts off with showing us a character who is looking off into a beautiful scenery of the coast before him, holding some sort of necklace/amulet that when you hit it a bunch of times some magic wording happens. If I'm being honest, every time I saw it it was getting hit non-stop, but I think it said “I Love You” on it?
(Oh, I should mention, this is gonna be a bad review because I suck at reviews, I'm gonna try to make it as short but also as fun as possible and towards the end I'll try to really focus on great and bad aspects of it.)
Moving on, we finally meet our cast:
because I can't bother to actually list the names.
They're all friends and after they all watch Helen be crowned Fish Queen I guess,
then they go to a party on the beach.
Leonard from The Big Bang Theory decides to hit on Julie
and Barry comes in with his Chad-attitude and a miniature fight ensues.
After that, the Scooby gang decides to go to their own part of the beach and tell a spooky ghost story about a man with a hook. Ooooo foreshadowing or something I guess? Then off-screen making out and seggs happens?
When they're ready to go, Barry is completely smashed so he's not driving but instead Scooby Doo's very own Fred is. (in case you haven't noticed, I'm poking fun at the cast.)
Because of Barry's dumb drunk ass, our dude Ray, gets distracted, Barry drops his beer, hits Ray's lap or something, alcohol goes everywhere and when they're not looking they hit a guy WHO FOR SOME REASON was like “lemme walk in the middle of this road.” To be honest, it's never really clear if he WAS in the middle of the road, but there was no swerving from our extremely experienced driver of the Mystery Machine, so… I'm assuming the dude they hit was absolutely in the middle of the dark road AT NIGHT.
They find the body of the guy they hit, after a good discussion amongst the group, they come to terms that they have to dump the body because it looks bad for everyone. (Julie who is basically the Velma of this Scooby Gang isn't for this but… whatever I guess?) This incident will haunt everyone and no one will ever believe the Ray was driving because the car he was driving was actually Barry's and alcohol is everywhere (also they're teens who basically graduated High School so everyone would assume they're all wasted and being irresponsible I guess?)
Leonard from The Big Bang Theory sees them in the road, Ray chats with him, he moves on, etc.
They go to the docks to dump the guy's body and then SURPRISE? He's actually alive and tries to grab Daphne's Fish Queen crown (which he does) so Barry goes to get it because if they find his body then guess what? Evidence.
ANYWAY, this is getting kind of long.
1 YEAR HAS PASSED, everyone has taken their own path and Julie reluctantly returns home to only find a letter addressed to her dummy thicc ass saying “I know what you did last summer.”
Obviously, she's torn up, she's distraught even more so, the whole thing that happened really had an affect on her and I can't blame her. I think I'd be torn up too.
Because of this letter, Julie goes to seek out Helen, she tells her what happened and they go to see Barry and from Barry they go to see Leonard because Barry thinks that Leonard knows what happened and wants to mess with them. Anyway, Barry decides to threaten Leonard with violence because that solves all problems. Right?
Anyway, we learn that Leonard isn't the guy who sent the letter because he's killed by a dude with a hook. Hahahahha I guess that hook story from the beach came back around anyway.
Night time rolls around, Barry is attacked but survives.
This prompts Velma and Daphne to do their own investigation into the death of the guy they killed who is apparently David F. Egan.
They visit the sister and the most useful information they got out from her is that David's blamed himself for the death of his girlfriend who actually passed away on that same road and apparently some guy named Billy Blue offered his condolences.
The girls return home and when Daphne gets home the good old urban legend hook-man follows her around and after she goes to bed and enters what I assume is a very deep slumber, awakes to find her hair all chopped off.
Feels bad man, I often have nightmares like this, it's not fun.
So now, Julie is heading to Helen's house and I guess she noticed some rattling? She stops, inspects it and boom, there is Leonard covered in crabs in her trunk. Conveniently, it seems like she stopped right near Helen's house because after she has a mini-freak out she runs to Helen's house to where we see Barry and Helen together and brings them to inspect the body with her, which is… gone.
Barry thinks Julie is whack but Helen is a good friend and believes her.
Then Julie has a mini-freak-out-dance while screaming “What are you waiting for?!” to the hook-man.
Then Ray comes along and Barry decides he has to whip out his inner Chad to fight him because for some reason, Julie has received a letter (and a body, gift wrapped with crabs), Barry has been attacked and Helen had her hair chopped off but oddly enough, nothing has happened to Ray.
But Ray is like “Nah, dude, I got a letter.” and Barry points out basically everything I said above and that him only receiving a letter is complete B.S. and assumes Ray is just jealous because the other three of the Scooby Gang has got everything going for them.
Jokes on you, Barry, Ray ends up leading the Scooby Gang and renames himself Fred and sports a dashing handkerchief and ends up getting bitches all over his Scooby Snack. So… Eat it?
Anyway, let's speed things up, they talk about David F. Egan's sister and mention about Billy Blue, assuming he's fish-hook-man, Ray acts a little weird, but they decide to look at the yearbook of David's school for clues (because funnily enough David actually graduated the same year Helen's sister did and went to the same school??) they try to find this “Billy Blue” - they don't find him, realizing he used a fake name, but they do find David's picture and say “that doesn't look like the guy we hit” to which a remark is made that “maybe because he's not completely fucked by the pavement.” But they're like “Hey, it's July 4th right? Something is bound to happen.” I assume that's because it's the 1 year anniversary of the David's death.
Julie goes back to visit David's sister on her own while Barry and Helen take part in the parade where Helen was crowned Fish Queen the previous year. They're on the lookout for the hook-man who sports a very classy fishermen look because… that place is all about fishy.
You could say that something… FISHY… is going on there.
When Julie goes to visit the sister, the sister hands Julie what is apparently a “suicide note” and it reads “I can't forget what happened last summer.”
Julie, using her big Velma brain realized that this is actually a death threat and not a suicide note, when she reveals to David's sister what happens, she says they hit him and that he had a tattoo written Susie on his arm (the girlfriend that died on that same road) but David's sister is like “Bitch, wtf are you on? He didn't have a tattoo.” and that's basically it.
And Julie is like “Oh shit, that wasn't her brother that we hit.”
ANYWAY, pageant time for the NEXT FISH QUEEN IS HERE.
I'm gonna keep this short, Barry gets killed here while he's ALONE (for some fucking reason everyone decides to split up, omfg, this is the Scooby Gang, holy shit. I was on to something.) - but anyway, he was on a balcony alone, watching over Helen, Helen witnesses his murder from where she is and for some reason even though she's pointing at the balcony and crying bloody murder, literally, everyone has the big dumb dumb brain switch turn on and… STOP HER???
Police investigate balcony and nothing happened.
Cop decides to drive Helen home because she's whack.
Cop gets the dumb-dumb brain and tries to help fish-hook-man without knowing he is fish-hook-man and dies. Helen now has to run for her life. During this chase she gets her sister killed because her sister is a nonchalant jealousy-filled dumb bitch, not even gonna lie about that and during her escape she almost reaches a group of people to where the fish-hook-man gets her and murders her… literally next to a crowd.
After this all happens, we cut back to Julie who goes to see Ray who is chilling on his boat like a- uhhh- fishermen.
She reveals she believes that the guy who is actually taunting them is Susie's dad. So, Julie is like “we gotta help Barry and Helen” and Ray, being the white-fucking-knight that he is, extends his hand outward to help her onto his boat, when she goes to do this she spots the name of his boat “BILLY-fucking-BLUE” okay, the fucking part wasn't in there but that would have been hilarious.
So now because of this Julie believes that Ray is SUS af.
Julie runs away, Ray chases after her and Ray gets fucking downed by some fishermen dude who arrived in the nick-of-time.
Mysterious Hero Fisher Dude advises Julie to hop on his boat where it's safe.
Afterwards, Julie learns that this dude, is actually Ben Willis (Susie's dad) - so, y'know, our Freddy was sus, but for the wrong reasons I guess.
ok to speed this up, Ray springs into action and saves Julie, while this whole situation happens we learn that Ben has been storing the bodies on his boat, we find the body of Barry and Helen there, confirming they are dead.
So, in the end, Julie and Ray are alive, they knocked Ben off of his boat and he also lost his hand in the midst of it, which is kind of funny because the whole urban legend of the hook-man was that the guy had a hook for a hand.
Police can't find the body but they're absolutely sure it will turn up.
END MOVIE - CREDITS ROLL.
Okay, so, let's kind of pick this apart. Please note: I am recalling this to the best of my abilities and not watching it as I write this article out, so if I mess up, please feel free to point something out.
I think this movie is decent. It's nice but it's very predictable.
The urban legend, easy foreshadowing but that's ok because it's kind of setting us up to know what to expect. The cast did great, acting was wonderful, no complaints here.
My issue starts when they hit Ben Willis. (also in case it wasn't obvious, Ben Willis absolutely did murder David F. Egan. - David was the guy in the opening scene observing the scenery hitting the amulet.)
But with the accident: obviously Barry was the smashed one, there are still three other characters there, apparently, throughout this whole thing, from getting him from that road to the docks which seems like could be anywhere from a 30-60minute drive, none of them bothered to check he was breathing? Also… that was a VERY strong impact, I just highly doubt that guy would have survived that long with no medical attention and 4 teens carelessly carrying his body around?
Carelessly carrying a body, especially one that has been impacted, could worsen internal damage, so basically, causing more pain and probably lead to a quicker death. BUT IT'S A MOVIE, I GET IT. THE GUY JUST SURVIVED FROM SHEER FUCKING WILL POWER THAT HE WANTED TO CLAP THOSE TEENS.
Another thing to point out is that, in all honesty, it's much better to just go the cops than to try and cover up an accident, covering up an accident basically turns it to murder because you're willingly hiding a crime that you've accidentally committed, sure, Barry was wasted, sure it was Barry's car, but they could have easily turned the tale around that they were driving and out of nowhere Ben Willis threw himself in front of the car and thus that's how the alcohol got everywhere because they hit something and y'know, force of impact or some shit, wasted Barry doesn't have a good grip, etc. SO MANY WAYS YOU COULD TURN THIS AROUND. But then the movie would be over I guess.
Fast-forward to dumping the body: they go to dump the body when boom, Ben is actually alive, now the issue that I have is that this guy has been SEVERELY HURT, then gets dumped in the water, and… he still survives? Wtf. And I'm still curious as to how no one has noticed he's been alive this whole time?? I highly doubt he had supernatural abilities to stop his breathing.
Now let's visit the scene of Barry confronting Leonard, 1. early on it's established that Leonard is actually into Julie, why would he send HER a letter trying to freak her out? Why not send it to Barry because he's a dipshit? 2. The confrontation was seriously dumb and the girls, Julie and Helen were both stupid to think that Barry would “take care of it.” 3. After that scene, Leonard is murdered. WHY IS THAT POOR GUY MURDERED? I JUST HAVE TO KNOW. They could have used him for a better set up and give the audience a wider variety of us to guess who the killer is. The only characters that we had to really guess from was David and David's friend. Ray kind of become a suspect later on but his acting that was obviously forced to make him seem guilty was so obvious that it made it him not be on my list of suspects at all.
Now let's visit the scene of Helen getting her hair chopped off.
MY GIRL, just how deep of a slumber do you have to be in to not feel someone hacking away at your hair??? Like, I just now had to go back to see if she took any sleeping-aid or something and that's why she didn't notice a thing that was happening. Also, how did he manage to get into her room so squeaky clean?? All of those houses are clearly old af and you'd definitely hear a creek.
The following scene with Leonard and the crabs:
Hey, hi, hello. I thought trunks automatically locked when closed? And that's why Julie even had to hand Barry the key to unlock it?? Also… like I pointed out, it seems like she conveniently parked close enough to Helen's house so… either he had to have been following Julie since she left home (which omg, pointing out to the previous statement, he was at Helen's house hacking away at her hair, so I - I don't know. This dude moves fast and doesn't need sleep I guess.) but either he was following Julie since she left home and maybe planted the body with the crabs THAT morning (because the girls heard nothing the previous night) and he was just following closely and managed to expertly open her trunk and perfectly clean out the body (without anyone noticing) and the crabs too?? This is a scene where I'm stumped at, because I refuse to believe this guy managed to follow the girls easily at night time, snuck into a house, hacked away at a girl's hair while she slept and then managed to get out like a fucking rat in the night.
Then the dude manages to transport a body covered in crabs with ease to and from a car at different locations in a quick and timely manner? Ehhh…. just okay I guess.
Now, Ray with the Billy Blue stuff and the yearbook, I think if he had said “Oh, actually I'm Billy Blue, I said I was a friend to get my own sort of comfort out of this.” - like, that's all my dude. No one has the right to judge you, this is a hard thing to carry. The yearbook, looking at the picture of David, I know that obviously there would be a big difference in appearance of looking at a bloody face versus a clean face, buuuut you can't tell me that during the time they had the body they never took note of the guy's age. That's all I'm saying. I easily would have seen that picture and been like “Yeah, that's not the guy. At all.”
The scene that bothered me the most, Helen screaming bloody murder while pointing at the balcony, instinctively I would have looked t where she was pointing, but instead everyone is grabbing her and stopping her for no fucking reason??? And during this time once again, my dude, Ben Willis, manages to use godlike moves and he's
like hey hi hello what how when where
And the scene, obviously was aggressive, he used his damn hook to stab into Barry, there's going to be blood, you can't tell me he had time to clean the blood. I know that the camera panned to a spot of blood or whatever that the audience/cops missed, but I feel like there would have been way more than just that.
The second scene that bothered me the most was Helen's sister obviously seeing her sister in distress but taking her sweet time to help her, like wtf? Then the third scene that bothered me the most was shortly after where Helen is brutally attacked by Ben near a CROWD. I know there's a band passing by, I know there are fireworks out and about, but does no one have peripheral vision in this movie?? Can no one 5 feet away from a murder happening be able to tell the difference between music and screams for help??
Fast forward to Julie finding out Ray is Billy Blue, her reaction is absolutely justified, I'd be scared shitless too. However, Ben magically appearing just in time, the same day and probably roughly within 3 hours of murdering both Barry AND Helen is unbelievable. This dude manage to transport two bodies with no one noticing, packed them into his ice-filled freezer on his boat and just happened to save Velma from Freddy? Ok.
Now when we learn that that's Susie's dad and he's the hook-man all along, take notice that his face has no scars or damage, he has absolutely no visible damage from the impact of the car hitting him.
Honestly, that's it. That's all the picking apart I can do.
For the good stuff, like I said, great cast, the story is decent, how it played out is eh but it's not bad!
The story is totally believable, there are a lot of true stories out there where parents will take do a good old Taken and do whatever for their child and even get revenge.
How they pieced everything together was clever. Honestly, not a lot of good I can say for this movie besides that's it's worth to watch at least once.
Moral of the story. STOP SPLITTING UP THE GANG, IT DOES NO GOOD.
But you know what's not split up? THE GORGEOUS DUCK ANTHOLOGY WHERE A WHOLE LOT OF HORROR STORIES ARE PIECED TOGETHER INSIDE A PDF FILE. THAT'S RIGHT.
GET IT HERE AND HELP SUPPORT IN REBRANDING THE SITE.
happy spooky season
damehelsing at 12:00AM, Oct. 3, 2021
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