I don't know if this is a good idea or what. I thought maybe it's a thing we could have here. Like a place to rant or spill out. You know what I mean? Sometimes I feel like I got nowhere to talk about shit.

If you feel like dropping some of your bags here, maybe do that.

Mods can move this or delete it if it's inappropriate.


Thanks

Bags? Righty hoo!

So a couple of months back me and my wife are watching a tv show which includes two people discussing their experiences with autism and she turns to me and says ‘do you think you might be autistic?’. I wasn't sure how to take that, so I took the time to read up on the subject, so I could politely debunk the idea.
Instead I find myself reading my own life story, with explanations for every single issue I've had to deal with. Either I'm autistic, or just happen to share most of the traits that define autistic people. Either way this revelation is kind of a relief. After nearly 60 years I don't have to beat myself up about things I can't do any more, but I'm long past caring what people say or think about me. This information would have been much more useful in my teens, when I spent a good proportion of the time wanting to die. I wish I could go back and tell that kid not to waste one minute of his life trying to be like everyone else. He never had a chance!

Ironscarf wrote:
Either I'm autistic, or just happen to share most of the traits that define autistic people.

Ha! This happened to me too! I also tried a test online and on a scale from 1 (no autism) to 5 (very likely) and I got a 4!
But then, first I think it is likely that if I have something, it is very light, and also it is possible that I just answered in a “pro autism” way becaouse of a suggestion effect (if I'm thinking to autism, and you ask “do you feel awkward in social situations”, the suggestion will push me to answer that yes, I feel awkward).

I tought for a while to go to some professional and be checked, but then I never did.

If it helps, I think that criteria for autism are very broad. So broad that it's quite unusual for anyone not to recognise themselves in them - including me. I'm told it's very much about how they play together and how severe they are. So basically autistic is defined as: “the expert who got paid for testing it said so” And I know from my experience of working with autistic kids that it has to be that way, because every single one of them is vastly different from all the others. With some you hardly notice at all, others are walking clichés, but in some cases because they want to. Then there are cases that I feel just don't fit in because they're too sane.

This said, I'd like to visit my younger self and tell him not to worry too much about not fitting in, too, and to loosen up a bit in general. My current older self knows he ruined for himself quite a lot of the years that should have been the nostalgically elated best time by trying to live up to what he thought was expected of him (often wrongly at that). This old self of mine however also knows very well that younger me would have thoroughly refused to listen to him.
It's probably the best advice you could give to anyone that age, though, so if you get your time machine going, be sure to visit young me too on your way back. Perhaps he'll listen to you - who knows?

I'll bite.
Mentally I am giving up on a life for myself because I am so stuck in survival mode I give up look for 9-to-5 work and focused only on art sales, SNAP and finding a safe place to set up a tent.

This is because I try to be the good son in taking care of my parents which so often blows up in my face each and every time, from dad, to step dad to mom.

The other day I lost my storage, thankfully I ALWAYS keep my last precious items with me everywhere due to knowing that no matter how hard I try, I lose things in storage.

Well, it doesn't help they tend to be over a hundred dollars for things like tables, sewing machines, tons of pans and pots (that cost a pretty penny), and there's my few things like, a pair of pants, a Costco card, condoms.. Left my scanner/printer in the hotel room when she ran out of money to pay..

Actually everything important I own goes into one backpack.

I recently discovered I might be able to care of myself because I took care of the cats while Mom was in the hospital for three days, had to fix my EBT card (needed a new one), budgeted my limited cash across those days, clean up the cats when they shit themselves from the heat and set up a tent.

Basically this rambling bit is because I don't know what to do other than just exist, want nothing and just exist.

Which really bloody sucks.