Recently I realized some stressful situations in my life were largely a result of immaturity. There's been immaturity around me, but my OWN immaturity was a factor, too. I just didn't see it.

Straightening my own head out didn't change the situation at all, but I decided to handle MYSELF right. And then the situation changed shortly after.

So what does it mean to be mature? To have character? What are the components of maturity?

I'll start with what I realized about my own thinking and behavior. Some of this is stuff I already understood; I guess I just forgot.

Self Awareness
This is always step one. It's being awake and being “at the wheel”, being purposeful in what you're saying and doing. Of course, we often operate on auto pilot. But we need to switch on our self awareness when we need it.

Boundaries
I was very stressed about the things that were going on. So much so that I reached out to my friend to talk about it (a rarity for me, and for most guys I suspect). I thought it might be a long, painful discussion.

To my surprise, it took about one minute to understand that my whole problem involved the importance I was putting on other people and how they were behaving and reacting to me…

As I described the problem, I was just describing what THEY were doing. We have no control over other people. We do control OURSELVES.

This was the sudden realization of my mistake, and the real source of all this pain…I'd forgotten about boundaries.

Boundaries also involve things like honesty, integrity, justice, kindness, and self-protection.

Self Awareness and Boundaries are where I started figuring out what to do. It's a constant process.

Compusure
Not exploding with anger, self pity, or other emotions. I didn't have much of an issue with this, but I do think it's another important part of being mature.

What do you think? What does it mean to have character and to be mature?

Self-awareness, that's the name of the most successful theory of behavioral therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Everything you mention I learned during therapy with clinicians practicing CBT.

Maturity? Nah, it's mental health. Don't mistake the one for the other. You can be as silly and immature as you want and still practice CBT. In fact you might even be a touch better balanced if you enjoy a little nonsense now and then.

I agree.
And trying to remember that the rest of the world doesn't revolve around me and the things and priorities that I find super important aren't the same for others.

These two are paired:
1. Other people have their own issues and things to deal with that are totally separate from me.
2. But I don't have to care or worry about any of those issues because that's them and their own business; they will choose what they want to share and what they need help with.

People are generally great and friendly, those who aren't are the exceptions.

People aren't secretly laughing behind your back at you. When that does happen though it's not because you did something wrong, it's because they're actually arseholes.

Some people will dislike you for no reason and you just have to accept that.

If you meet an asshole, fine you met an asshole. If everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the asshole.

Interesting topic.

For me, I'm pretty self aware, more so since going through CBT.

Boundaries is a funny one as people have different boundaries and much of what you listed I'm not sure I would say comes under boundaries per se, but all can affect what our boundaries are.

Composure on the other hand… that's something I really struggle with and ties in with boundaries. I suspect it's because of being on the autistic spectrum. To clarify I'm not officially diagnosed but I'm pretty typical for someone with aspergers and two of my kids have it and it's usually passed on from the father. All too often I get overwhelmed and keeping my composure is very challenging. On the surface people will see it as being immature, which in a way I suppose it is, but it's a part of who I am.

In fact you might even be a touch better balanced if you enjoy a little nonsense now and then.

So much this.

Well this is not the typical audience, since most of us are here because we don't suffer from maturity. If I caught it I would probably stop drawing comics and playing guitars, becoming a small time property developer/unscrupulous landlord instead.

This sounds like great advice but I try to avoid all forms of self analysis. I tend to think we don't control ourselves as much as we'd like to believe. It's all a projection of our precarious conscious minds. How else do you explain the terrible, terrible things people do?

The philosopher said “know thyself”.
Sun tzu said “know your enemy as well as yourself.”

Considering many people are their own worst enemy what truer advice can there be than know yourself?

And so the sage laughs.

Ironscarf wrote:
Well this is not the typical audience, since most of us are here because we don't suffer from maturity.

We talk about this in the latest Quackcast and Tantz (expert in all things brain related), says that doing comics and having hobbies etc is not bout immaturity… It's a different thing apparently.Which should be obvious when you think about it- some adult people involves in the most grown up of activities are demonstrably THE most immature people this side of a toddler: car fanatics, politicians, ANY sports fan EVER and so on.

Banes wrote:
…

What do you think? What does it mean to have character and to be mature?

I really like this topic because it is so full of variables. As a mom, especially of an autistic child, now an adult, I've had a lot of thoughts, questions, and advice about maturity. As a long-time gardener, though, I first see the word maturity as:

Q: So what does it mean to be “ripened”, full of developed flavor?

A: That you've reached your full potential. What is your full potential? That's when self-awareness comes in. If you don't know what you're good at, or what your goals are, how do you know if you reached them? So, maybe, in this sense, one could be mature, but not know it. That difference, reaching a goal and not knowing it, may be important to some people and not to others, and I don't think there's a wrong or right about it.

If we're looking at maturity from a standpoint of human development, then there are 5 perspectives to consider: physical, intellectual, social, emotional, and spiritual. Imo, few people fully develop in all five areas, and development can be held up in one area because another area needs to mature first. And development doesn't always depend on age/experience (I'm confident most people will agree). For example, young children can have intellects far more developed than their emotional quotients.

Generally, physical development is pretty easy to gauge. One's doctor will let one know if one is not sure. For the other areas, I'm just going to note the considerations that, imo, are the priority ones.

Intellectual: Can one separate facts from opinions? Can one take facts and project reasonable outcomes? Is one's pattern of thought sufficiently flexible to be open to new ideas, and not locked into itself? (The young have the advantage here for awhile, but then experience provides the “exercise” to limber things up again later in adulthood.)

Social (or, how one relates to others): Does one “take turns”? Is one responsible for one's actions? Does one respect the space of others? Does one advocate (for others and self) kindly but firmly? Can one be generous, but not to the point of constant self-sacrifice? Does one know how to balance work and fun?

Emotional (or, how one relates to self): Does one essentially like oneself? Can one accept change? Does one nurture oneself? Does one allow for one's own independence and/or space?

Spiritual: Does one seek to learn of one's place in the world/cosmos? Does one establish regular times for stillness, for reflection? Does one look for opportunities to experience or express gratitude?
–Important to note, religious is a word to denote regularity, not faith. And I see a vast chasm between faith and spirituality. Imo, much spirituality has been lost to the dictates of “the faithful”. But when one regularly seeks knowledge of one's place, of why one's “here” – of considering the entities that are greater than one's self, one's society or country (whether it's nature, or God, or science, or whatever resonates), in the seeking of it, one may find one's own unique connection to something far larger to one's self. In a word, spirituality is about connection, I think.

So maturity is a balancing act in many ways, especially when it comes to knowing when to let go and move on, and when to stand your ground. It's not a straight road; it's not a destination. It's appreciating yourself as you appreciate the commonalities with and differences of others.

Now. About character …

ozoneocean wrote:

Ironscarf wrote:
Well this is not the typical audience, since most of us are here because we don't suffer from maturity.

We talk about this in the latest Quackcast and Tantz (expert in all things brain related), says that doing comics and having hobbies etc is not bout immaturity… It's a different thing apparently.Which should be obvious when you think about it- some adult people involves in the most grown up of activities are demonstrably THE most immature people this side of a toddler: car fanatics, politicians, ANY sports fan EVER and so on.

I've observed a great many car and sports fans who outside of cars and sports are responsible, sensible and mature. But once engrossed in their Fandom they revert back to infancy. Having studied obsessive compulsive behavior as a special education teacher it is obsessive behavior is immature as it revolves around self. Children are evil because it's all about them and testing their control. So obsession is all what you want, your interest.
So the sports fan and the comic book geek and Otaku all share traits and behavior patterns. It's how they integrate this obsession with the rest of their life that determines their maturity not their particular obsession.

There are any number of anime about how Otaku integrate obsession with real life. Gate is an excellent recent example. An Otaku whose real job is decorated special forces ?

ayesinback wrote:
So maturity is a balancing act in many ways

I see what you're saying but for me it's mainly about the social aspect and how you relate to others. That's so hard to get right… Even very old people fail at it
It's still a balancing act though!

ozoneocean wrote:

ayesinback wrote:
So maturity is a balancing act in many ways

I see what you're saying but for me it's mainly about the social aspect and how you relate to others. That's so hard to get right… Even very old people fail at it
It's still a balancing act though!

As I see it, the 5 areas inform each other, a co-dependency exists among them. But other than the physical, the social is the most obvious to others, and therefore what concerns most others.

Factoid: When my son was given his first intellectual assessment at age 3, the questions were not about social interactions or how he expressed himself more than they were about physical milestones. I don't know how 3-year olds are assessed today, but 20 years ago we were advised that we should expect atypical maturation based on the fact that he hadn't yet learned to crawl, even though he could walk, run, and jump just fine. At the time I thought it was bunk. (He has since learned to crawl, btw. Someone has to fetch the stash that the cat hides under the furniture. :) )

ozoneocean wrote:

ayesinback wrote:
So maturity is a balancing act in many ways

I see what you're saying but for me it's mainly about the social aspect and how you relate to others. That's so hard to get right… Even very old people fail at it
It's still a balancing act though!

And when you fall down is when you discover who your real friends are. Not everyone does, but some of us have. And it's a very long climb to get back on balance once again.

Of all the things I have lost, I miss nothing so much as my mind.

This was a great topic, and there's been a lot of good stuff said already, but I'll throw my two cents in anyway.

I see Maturity as those times you choose the path of least destruction. For a long time your parents keep you alive, and if you are left alone too long.. you die. Then when you are a teenager or young adult, you leave the nest and immediately head for the lowest point in your life (that is self inflicted anyway). Some people die. Some people just end up in bad relationships or dropping out of college. Anyway, I see maturity as that thing that happens when you go, “Hmm, that's going to be detrimental to my well being in the long run, I'm not going to do that.”

Bruno Harm wrote:
I see Maturity as those times you choose the path of least destruction.

Good point.
You have to learn to pay bills, eat meals on time, go to the doctor yourself when you need to, have a backup plan, brush your teeth without being told to, wear clean clothes, buy new underwear, and of course don't drink yourself into a stupor or whatever…

So many adults, especially men, can't manage all of that. They're basically children in a big body. So many men used to just have wives take on the duty of a mother for them, which is so unbelievably sad to me.

A spouse is your partner; not your parent. Self in relationship and avoiding co-dependency.

There is also what one therapist called the chronological elevator. Where when dealing with others you go up or down in age depending on how you perceive the encounter. Like when talking your child's teacher and suddenly reverting to your child's age. Or when in an argument with your spouse you treat her like a misbehaving child rather than another adult. Again it's all self awareness.

Our brains are always looking to conserve energy. So when you have a spouse or someone you live with for a long time, you automatically divide different tasks and information between the two of you. She deals with our sons teacher and doing laundry, I'm in charge of cub scouts and lawn mowing and fixing things around the house. This is efficient but usually causes misconceptions in a relationship such as, “That lazy jerk never folds the laundry” or “she doesn't care that I have to plan a camping trip for 12 kids next week”
This might be slightly off topic, but it's good information that immature couples aren't aware of.

These are fantastic, fascinating insights. Thanks!

Bruno, I like the stuff about couples. I for one would love to see a repository of relationship wisdom around here!

To me, being mature is being responsible and realistic, and not being petty. Like putting all your dirty clothes into the designated “this needs to be washed” zone and not having a hissy fit over whether the toilet seat is up or down. Being playful is not immature, it's just being good-natured or goofy. :P