“Wild wild west” (1999) starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline.
I watched this years and years ago… I don't remember much except for Branagh and the spider. He was good. I don't know about the rest.
Last night I watched 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea
, a 2007 version of the “20,000 Leagues” story. It starred Lorenzo Lamas.
It looked like it would be bad and it was.
Lorenzo looked like a porn actor from the 1990s, complete with a short mullet and round goatee around his mouth, not a good look. Most of the male actors had really awful porny 90s facial hair.
The film started off fairly sensical with decent acting and story: a nuclear submarine finds something strange and follows it for a while and then gets caught and goes down. You're thinking “why follow a weird thing? Stay safe!” But it's a huge nuclear submarine and logically the safest/most dangerous thing in the ocean so it makes sense.
Then we see a shot from the air of an Iowa class battleship, called the Abraham Lincoln in this movie… Only aircraft Carriers have presidential names, but it's a silly movie and they're not to know that. Anyway, the captain talks to Lorenzo about rescuing the crew of the sub.
Lorenzo is the captain on a little sciencey experimental sub called the A7 or something. He has a special machine that converts water to oxygen and hydrogen gas. He's going to use that to save the sub somehow.
But he's not allowed to go alone! He has to be paired up with captain bitchface who is also his exwife. She brings along an engineer with a nasty porn beard.
The battleship captain tells his crew to go to “75 knots”, which made me pause, since Iowas were only rated for 36 knots and I don't know any big ship that can do anything even close to 75 knots… in fact 36 knots for a big heavy ship like that is still considered pretty fast I think. Annnnyway… that was a good sign things were getting bad.
They take their little sub down to find the lost sub and just as they try and dock with it things start to go wrong. Their sub is breached because Captain bitchface took off all the preasure seals or something because she knows better and hates everything. They start to lose air and their only hope is to get into the sunk sub and start up the air-maker McGuffin machine.
Before they can do anything they all pass out and Lorenzo wake up in a strange bed in a green cabin and looks out the window and sees he's on a giant submarine. He opens the door and meets with a fat guy in a black jumpsuit who takes him to an old British guy in another black jumpsuit covered in all sorts of rank insignia including medal ribbons. It turns out that this is Captain Nemo and by far the worst actor with the worst lines in the whole film.
He's some sort of billionaire who's made his own submarine in secret and also controls giant squids for some reason…
My question is though; if it's his own submarine, where did he get all the medals? And if he awarded them to himself to impress people then why isn't he wearing the actual medals instead of just the ribbon bars? no one will know what fake medals the ribbons are supposed to represent…
I ramble, but the movie only really starts to get seriously bad from this point. Before that it had a chance of actually being sort of ok, but at this turning point is where the writers had a stroke or something or let their young kids take over.
Nemo gathers the sub crew together and tells them that he rescued them just in time and they're NOT prisoners. They can't contact their mothership though because of volcano issues. Also, they can have a table full of “delectable” treats in the next room. That never happens though for some reason. The crew want to go back to their sub so they can rescue the crow of the downed sub. Nemo never explains why he didn't rescue them and the crew never ask him.
Nemo says the crew can go but Lorenzo and bitchybum need to stay behind for some reason. Nemo creepily asks them about their marriage. And that's all he does.
So they go to their sub which is sitting in a room in the Nautalis. The engineer with the nasty beard wants to stay with Nemo because he's scared of the water. They all get in (except for bad beard), and 5 seconds later they're piloting it out. No scenes of the room flooding or doors opening etc. They can't control it though because Nemo has a remote device in it. Which Nemo brags about over the radio. 2 seconds later they rip it out and get control again Bitchface says “doh, you stupid dickbrain, why did you do that?”.
This pisses Nemo off so he sends his squids after them and forces them to put it back. He controls their sub so it does something weird when it aproaches the downed sub. Nothing really happens and then they're back on the Nautalis. Nemo brags and goes on about some crap (he does this a lot).
It turns out Nemo nicked all the nuclear missiles from the sub.
Blah, blah world domination, blah blah blah… I'm going to stop here, it gets stupider.
The actor who plays Nemo is a cock.