We USED to do community radio plays on this site along with accompanying comics that were contributed to by everyone.
We need to start that again!
In my second post here I will post our script for the latest play and we will need submissions for voice actors.


Here are our earlier comics based on our DD radio plays:

https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/2011_Drunk_Duck_Voice_Contest_Radio_Play/

https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/2012_DD_Radio_Play/

https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/2013_DD_Radio_Play/



And here are our radio plays.

First one:
(I replaced the audio with the Omnibis Quackcast because we don't have episode 43 anymore)
https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/quackcast/episode-43-maxwell-mcduff-private-eye/

Second:
https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/quackcast/episode-91-the-quack-always-casts-twice-2012-dd-radio-play/

Thrid:
https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/2013_DD_Radio_Play/

– EDIT —
ALL THREE plays are here: https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/quackcast/episode-147-merry-xmas-dd-radio-play-omnibus-edition/

Gunwallace wrote this.

I'm thinking that you can submit your voice tryouts to me at ozoneocean at gmail dot com or directly onto youtube. Just read out the lines of one of the characters.

Here are the characters:

Cast (in order of appearance)
Roman Soldier #1 : Stationed in Gaul, near a certain village.
Roman Soldier #2 : Also stationed in Gaul, near a certain village, and not loving it.
Drunk Duck : The green feathered mascot of the site, and Bill Duck's brother.
Bill Duck : Adventurer, hero, man about town, all-around good guy, and just a little bit of a egotist.
Maxwell McDuff : Down on his luck private investigator and narrator.
Older Maxwell McDuff: the elderly PI, can be voiced by the same actor as above.
Time Agent #1 : A gender neutral character. Business-like time cop, one day from retirement.
Time Agent #2 : A gender neutral character. Business-like time cop.
Lucky Luke : The comic book cowboy and hero.
Annie Oakely : Famous woman from Old West. Could be voiced by male or female.
Belle Starr : Famous woman from Old West. Could be voiced by male or female.
Calamity Jane : Famous woman from Old West. Could be voiced by male or female. Must be able to spit.
Prince Barin : Ruler of the Aboria, a region of Mongo.
Princess Aura : Daughter of Ming the Merciless of Mongo.
Prince Valiant : Arthurian knight.
Singing Sword : A gender neutral character who must be able to sing, but not necessarily well.




Here's the play:




The Time Travelling Pair O' Ducks

Roman Soldier #1: Ave, legionnaire.
Roman Soldier #2: Ave.
RS1: How went your patrol, Pincheus Bottomus?
RS2: It went well, Harassmenti Settlementus. We spotted no Gauls, and more important, no Gauls spotted us.
RS1: That is the best that can be hoped.
RS2: Aye. The Gaulish villagers here are ferocious.
RS1: And crazy. Why does that big one carry a boulder with him everywhere?
RS2: I know not, my friend. But the Gauls here have some power that allows them to resist Caesar's might.
RS1: Caesar might what?
RS2: Huh?
RS1: Caesar might what? Get angry at our lack of progress? Come here personally for an inspection? Oh Gods, he's coming here, is he?
RS2: No, no, no. I meant his … Wha!?!
FX: (A time portal opening. What do you mean you have no idea what one sounds like? Everyone knows what a time portal sounds like when it opens.)
Drunk Duck (falling) Arrgh … Ooof!
Bill Duck: Ooof!
DD: Ouch. What did I land on, Bill?
BD: Something metallic and cold.
DD: Mother?
BD: No, my dear, drunk, brother, it appears to be two Roman legionnaires. We must be in the time of the Roman Empire.
DD: Either that or we've landed on some historical re-enactment enthusiasts.
BD: Have you ever heard of Occam's Razor.
DD: No, but then I don't shave. I'm all feathers.
BD: C'mon, we have to find the mystic object and get to the next portal. Bring the piano.
DD: Why do I have to carry the piano.
BD: Well, you are the only one in the family that could carry a tune.
DD: Oh, ha, ha.
BD: But mainly you have to carry the piano because you got us into this mess.
DD: (straining as he carries a heavy weight) You could help me?
BD: Yeah, I could. But I'm not going to. Onward we go to the next portal. And remember to lift with your legs.
DD:(straining) I'd rather lift with yours.
(The conversation fades off)
DD: What's the mystic object this time?
BD: Looks like it's a large monolithic oval rock, also known as a menhir.
DD: Can you at least carry that one?
BD: Why would I? You've got two hands.
(a second or two of silence)
RS1: What hit us?
RS2: It must have been the Gauls.
RS1: Can they fly now?
RS2: It was more falling than flying.
RS1: Great, so now we have to worry about the sky falling on our heads.
RS2: This is the worst posting in all the Roman Empire.
RS1: Well, except for Britain. The weather there is just terrible.
RS2: Aye. And their wine is worse. Weak, brown and frothy.
RS TOGETHER: Yuk!
Maxwell McDuff : And so begins the epic tale of the Time Traveling Pair O' Ducks, Bill Duck and his brother Drunk. I'm Maxwell McDuff. You remember me, I'm the down on his luck private eye who often ends up being crushed by large things: anvils; opera singers; debt. My part in this story may be a small one (cough, cough) … but it's the rock than anchors the whole tale. Seriously. Well, you'll see soon enough. However, I'm getting ahead of myself. This tale really begins a while earlier, in a recently uncovered Egyptian tomb …
DD: Wow, so no-one's been in here for two thousand years?
BD: That's right, brother. We are stepping into the past.
DD: Usually I just step into trouble.
BD: That's entirely possible in a tomb like this. Watch your step.
DD: Thanks for bringing me along on this expedition of yours, bro.
BD: It was mother's idea. She was sick of you moping around the house.
DD: I wasn't moping. I had a hangover.
BD: For six months?
DD: That sounds about right.
BD: Ssh. I need to think.
DD: I need to drink.
BD: Quiet! Let's see, if I just press here …
FX: (Vault door opening noises)
BD: Behold, my dear brother … the inner sanctum of the tomb.
DD: Whoa! Look at the size of that gem.
BD: Indeed. That must be the fabled lost Emerald of Cleopatra. Supposedly she wore it in her belly button.
DD: I'd heard she had a great navel power.
BD: Hmm, the hieroglyphics on the walls are some sort of warning. Don't touch anything while I translate it.
DD: Okay.
BD: I've never seen some of these symbols before. They appear to suggest that the gem opens up a mystic portal.
DD: (from a distance away) Fascinating.
BD: And it also seems to summon another portal from which come two beings with ray guns.
DD: (still some distance away) How odd.
BD: If I'm reading this right the emerald creates a rift in time if touched by the wrong person. So whatever you do, don't touch the gem.
DD: (Now back with Bill): Don't touch the gem?
BD: That's right.
DD: This gem?
BD: Yes, the gem you are holding in your hand.
DD: Ah. That could be a problem.
BD: I told you not to touch anything.
DD: This isn't just anything. It's a huge emerald. We can live like Kings with this.
BD: If we live at all. Look! The time portal is opening.
FX: (Time portal opening sound again. You know the one.)
DD: Ooh, pretty.
BD: Pretty dangerous.
DD: Then let's not go near it.
BD: Good advice, except if I've read these hieroglyphics correctly we can't stay here either.
DD: Why not?
FX: (Another time portal opening sound)
BD: Because of what's going to come out of that second portal. Quick, jump in the first one.
DD: Okay …
FX: (jumping effort grunts).
FX: (A sucking sound as they go into the portal.)
Silence for a second or two.
FX: (The reverse of that sucking sound as two new characters enter the tomb through the second portal.)
Time Agent #1: Not a false alarm this time. The portal has been triggered.
FX: Beeping scanner sounds
Time Agent#2: The scanner indicates they have the emerald and went into the portal.
TA1: When?
TA2: Just now.
TA1: No, when is the portal set for?
TA2: Ah, I see. 1963.
TA1: And where?
TA2: Marlinspike Hall, the ancestral home of the Haddocks.
TA1: The emerald must be leading them to the piano.
TA2: That would seem likely.
TA1: We must stop them.
TA2: We must.
FX: (jumping effort grunts from the time agents.)
FX: (A sucking sound as they go into the portal.)
Maxwell McDuff: Of course, they didn't stop the two Duck Brothers, who somehow carried a piano away from 1963, despite a yapping white dog snapping at their heels, and took it into Roman Gaul in the time of Caesar. Guided by the emerald, and Bill Duck's translation of the hieroglyphics, they knew they had to find several objects to seal the portals while staying ahead of the pair of killers with ray guns chasing them for reasons they did not fully comprehend. Their next jump took them to the Old West of America, in the time of cowboys, steam locomotives and bowler hats …
FX: (The reverse of that portal sucking sound.)
Bill Duck: (falling) Aaarrr …
Drunk Duck: (falling) Aaargh! … oof!
BD: Hmm, what have we fallen on this time?
DD: Seems softer than the other times.
Lucky Luke: Get offa me, you bush-wacking varmints!
BD: Sorry, sir. It was entirely accidental. I'm Bill Duck and this is my brother, Drunk.
LL: They call me Lucky Luke.
DD: Lucky? How was us falling on you lucky?
LL: Well, I broke your fall, so it was lucky for you.
DD: Good point.
LL: And I wasn't hit by that piano or large boulder that came with you.
BD: An even better point.
LL: Well, now you folks are here, maybe you could right help me out with a doozy of problem.
DD: Doesn't he talk colourful.
BD: Quiet, Drunk. We could do with a native guide to help us.
LL: Oh, I'm not a native.
BD; I just meant you were local.
LL: Not that either. This is my first time in Oklahoma.
DD: (sing-song voice) Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain?
ND: I said quiet, Drunk. How may we be of assistance to you, Mr Luke?
LL: Well, I'm trying to help out three lovely ladies.
DD: This sounds promising.
BD: Do go on!
LL: They have lost their sheep.
DD: Are they all called Little Bo Peep?
LL: Nope. I'll fetch them for you. (shouts) Ladies, we have some men here.
DD: With a menhir.
LL: Here they come. Gentlemen, let me introduce you to … Annie Oakely.
Annie Oakley: Howdy.
LL: Belle Starr.
Belle Starr: Pleased to met you.
LL: … and Calamity Jane.
FX: (spit – spittoon hitting noise)
Calamity Jane: Ain't you strange looking Tenderfoots.
BD: The ABCs of Western women. Pleased to meet you, ladies.
DD: I thought you said these were lovely ladies, Luke? I've seen lovelier things in a cow pat.
CJ: You got a problem with the way I look, feather brain?
(Shotgun cocking noise)
DD: (nervous) Me? No. Not at all. Well, only in that you look just so marvelous and wonderful and exquisite.
CJ: Thought as much.
FX: (spit – spittoon noise)
AO: So can you cowpokes help us find our sheep?
DD: I'll have you know I've never poked a cow in my life.
BD: Forgive my brother. He's a bit dim and intoxicated.
DD: I wish. I haven't had a drink since we left Egypt.
BS: Would you care for some moonshine then? We have a still out back.
DD: I'm warming to the Old West.
BD: If we help find your sheep can you help us find something?
CJ: That depends on what it is?
BD: I wish I knew. But this emerald can tell me.
LL: Whoo-eeee! Look at the size of that rock.
DD: It's a much smaller rock than our menhir.
AO: I like it when there are men here.
BS: Me too.
CJ: I can take ‘em or leave ’em.
BD: It would seem that the object we require is that old wagon.
CJ: That's our wagon, mister. And it has my husband's coffin in it.
BD: I'm so sorry. When did he die?
CJ: He hasn't. Not yet, anyways.
FX: (spit – spittoon noise)
BD: I'm sure we can work out something?
AO: (suggestively) I'm sure we can.
BS: (suggestively) Me too.
CJ: Well, I'm not sure of anything.
BS: You can have the wagon, but first you have to find our sheep.
DD: Have you considered that if you leave them alone they will come home, wagging their tails behind them?
LL: I don't think they will come back. I fear they've been rustled.
DD: Well, at least we know who did it then.
LL: We do?
DD: Yeah. Someone called Russell…. Geddit? Rustled? Russell?
CJ: You ain't right in the head, mister.
LL: The odd thing is, he may be right.
ALL: Really?
LL: Yup, I came to Oklahoma …
DD: (sing-song voice) Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain.
BD: Would you stop that?
LL: … I came in pursuit of Russell Dalton, a cousin of the infamous Dalton Gang. I think he may be behind the sheep rustling.
DD: How do sheep make a noise like that anyway?
LL: Huh?
DD: A rustling noise. I figured being wool you'd hardly hear them when they rubbed up against each other.
BD: Please just ignore my brother.
LL: I've a mind to do just that.
BS: Maybe if I was to give him a drink?
DD: Now there's an idea.
BD: Fine, fine.
BS: C'mon out to my still, handsome.
BD: Normally I try not to enable his drinking, but sometimes it's the only way to get things done.
AO: So how are we going to find our sheep?
LL: I'm not rightly sure, but if a Dalton is involved it's going to be a long and difficult job.
DD: (yelling from a distance) I found the sheep!
BD: What?
BS: He sure did.
CJ: How did a lily-livered Lushington like you find our sheep so quick?
DD: The power of alcohol.
CJ: Huh?
BS: It's true. He found the sheep out back by the still.
DD: Your sheep got into the grain alcohol and became a little flocked up.
BS: They were all lying down in the pasture, which is why we didn't see them.
AO: Are they okay?
DD: They'll be fine, but you may want to brew them up a strong pot of coffee.
LL: Well done, Mister Drunk.
BD: So can we have that wagon of yours now?
CJ: I guess you earned it, but I'm not sure it was fair and square.
DD: I'm the fair one. My brother's the square.
BS: I don't know why you want our covered wagon, Ducks. It's a might beat up.
DD: How is it a covered wagon?
AO: The cover's gone, but it's still a covered wagon.
DD: No, it's an uncovered wagon.
BS: Actually, it's an uncovered covered wagon.
DD: That's what I said.
BS: No, you called it an uncovered wagon. It ain't.
DD: Yes it is. It has no cover.
AO: But it's meant to. See the supports for the cover.
DD: Yes, but there is no cover, so it's an uncovered wagon.
BD: I think what the ladies mean is that the style of wagon is a covered wagon, so just because it doesn't have a cover doesn't mean it isn't a covered wagon.
BS: Just who are you to say what we ladies mean.
CJ: Yeah.
FX: (shot gun cocking noise)
BD: (gulp) I didn't mean to offend any of you. I have no idea what goes on in the minds of you fine women. Or any woman, to be honest.
CJ: Thought as much.
FX: (spit – spittoon noise)
LL: Seems to me you folks need a cover for your wagon.
DD: Where would we find one?
LL: I don't rightly know.
AO: Maybe you could make one?
BD: Out of what?
AO: Well, we have plenty of wool. Maybe you could knit one, Mister Duck.
BD: Me? Not likely.
BS: Why not?
BD: Knitting. That's woman's work.
FX: (shotgun cocking noise)
CJ: Is it really?
BD: Um, no. Now that I think about it's men's work? Yes, definitely men's work. Mine specifically.
CJ: Thought as much.
FX: (spit – spittoon noise)
DD: Knit one, pearl one, Knit one, pearl one. I'm getting the hang of this.
BD: I'm not … any chance you could cut me out of this wool ball?
DD: Why isn't Luke helping us knit?
BD: He said the sun was setting, so he had to go ride off into it.
LL: I'm a poor lonesome cowboy, and a long way from home …
Maxwell McDuff: And that's how I came to have a portal open in my office and a knitted covered wagon with two Duck brothers, a piano, a menhir, and a coffin come tumbling out of it.
BD: Max, old buddy. Am I pleased to see you.
MM: I wish I could say the same. Could you lift this wagon off me?
BD: You do have a penchant for being under heavy objects.
MM: Yeah. It's a real talent. Who's the green duck with the bloodshot eyes?
BD: This is my brother, Drunk. Drunk, meet Maxwell McDuff, the finest private detective currently trapped under a wagon … in this room.
MM: Did you have to qualify it that much?
BD: I strive for accuracy.
DD: Is there any hooch in this office.
MM: Sure, but only if you like rotgut.
DD: My favourite brand.
MM: What brings you into my office, Bill?
BD: Well, old pal, I have a favour to ask of you.
MM: Of course you do. Of course you do.
BD: You owe me, Max.
MM: Yeah, yeah. I know. What do you need me to do?
BD: Well, … whisper whisper, whisper.
Maxwell MacDuff: So Bill told me his plan. It was a good one. I had one job to do, and it was one I was very capable of. All you need to know at this point is that five minutes later the Ducks were long gone, another portal opened and two time agents with ray guns came through it. I shot at them with my trusty .38, winging one of them, and then they both shot me. Shot me, dead. Anyway, as I lay dead on the floor of my office the Duck brothers found themselves in a forest … the forest of Arboria.
DD: This is the worst one yet.
BD: At least we have a covered wagon now to put the piano, menhir and coffin in.
DD: (straining) Sure, but this forest is so dense and rough we can't manoeuvre the wagon through it, so you're making me carry everything.
BD: Not everything. I'm lugging the emerald about.
DD: Gee, how kind of you.
BD: This emerald is important, and I'm slowly figuring out how it works. I even have some control over where it takes us now.
DD: And so you brought us here?
BD: I said some control. Anyway we're here to get another item.
DD: Does the emerald show where this item is?
BD: Yup. It's up this tree.
DD: That's a big tree.
BD: Yeah.
DD: How am I going to climb that carrying this wagon?
BD: It's okay, you don't have to climb to the top.
DD: Phew.
BD: Just about three-quarters of the way up.
DD: Sigh.
BD: C'mon. I'll help.
DD: Will you carry something?
BD: No, but I will speak motivational mantras at you.
DD: Joy.
BD: Every journey begins with a single step.
DD: Any chance you'll shut up and just let me die in peace.
BD: Nope.
DD: Sigh.
FX: (Strained climbing noises)
(Fading off)
BD: Remember you're doing this for you.
DD: Like heck I am.
BD: Feel the burn.
DD: If I had some matches you'd feel it.
(short silence)
FX: (Time portal opening sound)
Time Agent #1: Arboria.
Time Agent #2: Yes, during the reign of Ming the Merciless.
TA1: They went up this tree. Shame we didn't bring the jetpacks.
TA2: Yes. Yes it is.
(fading)
TA1: Every journey begins with a single step.
TA2: Yes. Yes it does.
(FX: climbing noises, but less trained than the Duck ones).
(short silence)
DD: Hey, there's a window in the tree up here.
BD: And a room beyond.
(FX: climbing through the window noises)
DD: It's hard to see in here.
BD: It's the soft candlelight. Creates lots of shadows.
Prince Barin: Who dares invade the bedroom of Prince Barin?
BD: Bedroom?
DD: Prince? Then what's with all the pink and frilly stuff?
Princess Aura: That would be for my benefit.
DD: Hubba, hubba!
PB: Darling, put on a robe at least.
DD: No, no, Don't go to any trouble on our account.
PA: I sure it's nothing they haven't seen before.
DD: Don't count on it.
BD: I may have seen everything before, but it's like comparing the Mona Lisa to graffiti in the men's toilet.
PB: Here's a towel, dearest.
PA: Thanks, my hair was still a little wet.
DD: I really like this woman.
BD: Me too.
PB: You still have answered me? Who are you, or I shall run you through with my sword.
DD: You need to adjust your towel, Prince. Unless that's the sword you mean to use?
BD: We are sorry for our intrusion. I'm Bill, and this is my brother Drunk. We just need to get the Princess's bra and we will be on our way.
PA: See, darling, they are not spies or assassins.
PB: No, they're just simple perverts.
BD: Hey, my brother's not … um … well, okay, maybe he is both of those things, but I'm not.
DD: It's true, he's not simple.
BD: Thanks, brother.
PB: Nonetheless, you have offended the princess …
PA: No, they really haven't.
PB: … and offended me.
PA: You're so sensitive, darling.
PB: They must die!
DD: Well, yeah, Eventually. When I'm ninety-seven, under a pile of empty scotch bottles and a copy of the Farmer's Almanac.
BD: The Farmer's Almanac?
DD: I like to know when it's the right time to plant my beets.
BD: Is that a euphemism?
DD: Only if you think it is.
PA: That one amuses me, dear Barin. Spare him and just kill the other one?
BD: Hey! What? No way!
DD: Don't contradict the lady, brother.
BD: I wasn't contradicting her, just engaging in robust discussion.
PB: Shut up, both of you.
PA: The other one amuses me as well.
PB: Is there anything that doesn't amuse you, my dear?
PA: Stand up comedians. Every time I see one standing before a brick wall I just want to give the orders for a firing squad to shoot.
BD: I can relate to that, Princess.
PB: They have dishonoured you.
BD: We haven't touched her.
PB: … by seeing you in a state of undress.
DD: I used to own a house in that State. Even ran for Congress there. Lost to some corrupt Republican with a limp.
BD: A limp what?
DD: Exactly.
PA: Here's my underclothes.
BD: We only needed the bra.
DD: Hey, now. We should take it all just to be safe.
PB: What's this? More intruders coming in the window?
TA1: Stop in the name of the Temporal Police.
DD: Tempura Police? Did we steal some Japanese food?
BD: Temporal. It means time.
DD: Couldn't they just say that? Why do people have to complicate things?
PB: I will not stand for these intrusions. I must defend your honour, my Princess.
PA: You'd need a time machine for that, my darling.
FX: (Raygun noises and explosions.)
BD: Quick, has anyone seen a strange portal anywhere?
PA: Well, there was a strange swirly pattern in the toilet, but I just assumed it was a new innovation Barin had installed for me.
DD: Sorry to take your underwear and run, but we really have to go.
FX: (Raygun noises and explosions.)
BD: And the toilet seems the appropriate place for that. Dive in, brother.
FX: Splash! Splash!
TA2: After them!
TA1: No, I have a better plan.
(a short silence)
DD: Where are we now?
BD: It would appear to be a dungeon of some sort.
DD: How quaint. Let's just get out of here then.
BD: The next portal would appear to be on the other side of this heavy oaken door, which is locked and bolted.
DD: Ah.
Prince Valiant: I see the evil Morgan Le Fay has cast two more gentle souls into the dungeon with me, along with a strange wagon for some reason.
DD: And who are you?
PV: I am Prince Valiant, knight of Camelot, of the order of the Round Table. But you can call me Val.
BD: I'm Bill Duck, and this is my brother, Drunk.
DD: I'm not drunk. I'm viciously sober and I'm not happy about it.
PV: Is he a jester or fool of some kind?
BD: You could say that.
PV: Then I am pleased to meet you both. They say having a fool in your party is good luck.
DD: I'll have you know I've never been good luck to any one, any time, any how. Not even myself.
BD: Then maybe now is the time to change?
DD: So how do we get out of this dungeon?
PV: Alas, Morgan Le Fey's magic holds the door fast. She has taken over Camelot whilst I was the only knight left to guard it. My King and his companions were out hunting the Holy Quail.
BD: Don't you mean Grail?
PV: No, they were out getting dinner.
BD: I see.
PV: If only I had my Singing Sword, I would be able to force the door.
BD: And where is your singing sword?
PV: It is beyond that door, possibly in the clutches of Le Fay or one of her foul henchmen.
BD: Is there any way of summoning your sword here?
PV: Only with music divine. Does either of you sing like an angel?
BD: I do not.
DD: I do, but only in the shower. However, I have been know to tinkle the old ivories.
BD: And it just so happens we have a piano with us.
FX: (lifting piano noises)
PV: My, that is an elegant harpsichord.
DD: It's a grand piano alright. Now what should I play?
BD: Something not copyrighted would be good.
DD: An odd request, but okay …
(Original music composition, piano based.)
PV: (During song) It's working, I can see my Singing Sword coming through the door.
FX: (crashing sound)
Singing Sword : Hey folks, I'm a singing sword, and I have just one thing to say … Hit it, maestro!
(Singing sword joins in song, possibly off-key, or very high pitched, or something odd.)
BD: That is one terrible singing sword.
PV: It's voice may be bad, but it's great at fighting. Now we can retake the castle for Morgan Le Fay and her minions. Charge!
DD: Should we go help?
BD: No, Val seems to have things under control. Besides we need to go through the next portal. But first there seems to be an object we need to get from this time period.
Maxwell McDuff: And so our two Ducks took a piece of circular furniture from Camelot and went into the next portal. However, this time they found themselves in even more danger.
DD: The moon! We're on the moon!
BD: Sure looks like it.
DD: Why are we still breathing?
BD: There seems to be a warm bubble of air surrounding the portal. As long as we stay close to it we'll be okay. At least for now.
DD: I can see the next portal.
BD: Yeah, it's close … but we'd never get there before the cold and lack of oxygen got us.
DD: How did we get on the moon anyway?
BD: I think those temporal agents are messing with the emerald. I was aiming for The United States, June 20th, 1948.
DD: Why then and there?
BD: I wanted to watch the first episode of The Ed Sullivan Show. It had the debut TV appearance of Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin together.
DD: All of human history and that's what you pick?
BD: Why what would you have chosen?
DD: I dunno. Maybe I'd go back and kill my grandfather.
BD: That would create a paradox.
DD: No, we're a pair o' ducks.
BD: Not two ducks, a paradox.
DD: That's what I said.
BD: No, I mean a logical inconsistency.
DD: You're a logical inconsistency.
BD: What does that mean?
DD: It means I'm scared and don't want to die on the moon.
(short silence)
BD: Sure is lonely up here. Just the two of us.
DD: A pair o' ducks.
BD: Oh, just shut up.
DD: Actually, we're not alone. Look!
BD: A spaceman on a rocket sled fighting a green alien with a big head. We should help him.
DD: Which one?
BD: The spaceman of course.
FX: (background noises of explosions in space, which are, of course, silent. So silent explosions.)
DD: Why is he the good guy?
BD: Isn't it obvious?
DD: No.
BD: He's a human. The other one is a green alien with a big head.
DD" I like green-coloured creatures.
BD: Why?
DD: Cause I'm a green-coloured creature.
BD: And you're evil. I rest my case.
DD: I'm not evil, I'm just misunderstood.
BD: I think I understand you only too well, brother.
DD: Anyway, how exactly would we help either of them?
BD: We could throw the piano at one of them? Or the menhir.
DD: I thought we needed those at the final portal?
BD: Yeah, I think we do. I'm not sure anymore. Those hieroglyphics were hard to read. And I have no idea how we're going to get out of this one.
DD: Hey, one of the rockets broke off from that spaceman's rocket sled thing.
BD: It's still fifty feet out of reach.
DD: Maybe we could rope it with something?
BD: What?
DD: A knitted wool lasso.
BD: Sometimes, Drunk, you actual amaze me in a good way.
DD: Help me unravel the covered wagon cover.
Maxwell McDuff: And so out heroes knitted themselves a lasso and roped the rocket.
BD: This round table we picked up from Camelot has a depression in the middle.
DD: So?
BD: The emerald fits in it exactly. I think it becomes a sort of temporal steering wheel.
DD: What does that mean?
BD: It means we can set the final part of my plan into action, dear brother, because now we can control where and when the portal takes us, and we have a rocket-powered uncovered, covered wagon to go there on.
(transition music)
TA1: I thought the dungeon would hold them.
TA2: No problem. The moon will be their final resting place.
TA1: We must remember to clean the site away before the moon landings.
TA2: I'll note it in my diary.
TA2: Care to get a drink together?
TA1: Sorry, I don't have the time.
TA2: You could make time.
TA1: That would be against regulations.
TA2: Must you do everything by the book?
TA1: Yes, otherwise what would be the … Wha!?!
FX: (time portal opening noise)
DD: Yeehaa!
FX: (whooshing, rocket powered wagon flying noises, which can be heard throughout this battle off and on.)
TA2: What in the seven ages of Rock and Roll is that?
DD: It's a pair o' ducks on a flying rocket wagon. Yeehaa!
TA1: Shall we kill them?
TA2: It would be best.
FX: (ray gun noises)
BD: Drop the menhir on them.
DD: Menhir …
FX: (rock falling sound)
DD: … now on men-there.
TA1: Arrgh!
TA2: Not my partner! He/She had one day until retirement … or two thousand years until retirement depending on what time period we're in right now. But whatever it was I'll avenge him/her!
FX: (ray gun noise)
DD: I got one, but the other one's still firing at us.
BD: Drop the piano on him.
DD: But I like the piano.
BD: So? I like not being shot by a ray gun.
DD: Yeah, okay, Good call.
FX: (Piano falling and hitting the ground noise)
TA2: Ha, ha! You missed.
DD: Dang, I put too much allegro on it.
FX: (ray gun noise)
BD: He shot the rocket, we're going down.
FX: (airplane crashing out of the sky noise)
TA2: Don't move ducks. I have you dead to rights.
BD: You'd think so, but we have one surprise left.
TA2: What?
BD: Now, Max.
FX: Coffin opening sound).
Maxwell McDuff: And that's when I burst from the coffin and shot the second time agent with my trusty .38.
FX: (gunshot)
TA2: Arrgh!
BD: Good shot, Max.
DD: You saved us, man. You were awesome.
MM: Aw, it was nothing.
DD: Was it? Oh, well forget I mentioned it then.
MM: No, what I meant was …
DD: Sssh. It's forgotten now, just like you wanted.
BD: Don't mind him, Max. I appreciate what you did for us. It's quite a sacrifice you made for us.
MM: Well, the real sacrifice was made by a much older Max.
BD: Yeah, it was a good plan. Taking a time portal to the future and getting an elderly you to come back to your office in the past.
DD: That way the Time Agents wouldn't suspect we had a third member with us stashed in the coffin.
MM: Who just happens to be a crack shot with a .38.
BD: Shame the older you had lost a bit of steadiness in the aiming department.
DD: Poor guy. But we'll respect his final request.
MM: What did I, the other, older me, ask for?
BD: He asked to be buried with Princess Aura's brassiere.
DD: I was wondering what that was for.
MM: Why would I ask for that? I've never even heard of Princess Aura?
Old Max: Because of its life restoring powers.
DD: Old Max!
BD: But you're dead.
OM: I was, but Princess Aura's bra has revived me.
DD: Huh?
OM: Some bras only lift and seperate. This one raises and resurrects. Rumour has it that it was made with a gold thread spun from the holy quail itself.
BD: You mean grail?
OM: No, quail. King Arthur and his knights caught one for dinner once. It's feathers were said to have mystical powers.
DD: Wow, is there a version of that underwear that comes in boxers or briefs?
BD: What's the matter brother? Got some dead wood to bring back to life?
DD: No. I'd just like to be immortal. Seems like a no brainer.
OM: Speaking of no brainers … Young Max, I'm here to tell you to ask for Princess Aura's
brassire when these two bozos time travel to you in about 40 years time.
MM: Huh? So you're the one who tells me to get the bra?
OM: That's right.
MM: But how do you know about it?
OM: Because I just told my younger self now.
MM: Yes, but how did you, or I, find out about the underwear's special properties? It doesn't make any sense.
OM: That's time-travel for you.
BD: Well, Young Max. We'll take you back to your own time and throw in a nice round coffee table to boot.
MM: That's a lot of coffee table.
DD: It means you can drink a lot of coffee.
FX: (Portal opening sound.)
MM: Do I get the gem in the middle?
BD: Sadly, no. We must return Cleopatra's navel gem to its rightful place.
DD: Is that, perchance, a safety deposit box in my name?
BD: No, it's the tomb where we found it.
DD: I'm at least taking the menhir with us. It'll make a great conversation piece.
FX: (Portal sucking noise.)
MM: Ah, it's good to be back in the old office. Or is it the young office?
BD: Well, Max. See you around soon.
DD: Yeah, we see you at least once more. When we bring you back here to get shot.
MM: Hmm, in that case I think I'll avoid seeing either of you again. Ever.
BD: It has to happen, Max.
DD: At least you get resurrected afterwards
MM: Yeah, but still. Getting shot and killed can't have been fun. I think I'll run before I see the two of you again. You'll never find me. I'll go on the lamb.
BD: Obviously you don't, Max.
MM: Oh, yeah. Well I'm not agreeing to die for you, no matter how I come back to life.
BD: But that's a paradox.
DD: And this pair o' ducks has no time for a paradox.
BD: Hmm. Maybe there's a way we can make sure you don't go anywhere.
MM: Good luck with that. I'm outta here.
BD: I don't think so.
MM: And that's how I found myself trapped under a menhir. The Duck Brothers placed it on top of me and told me not to go anywhere. Then, laughing, they portaled out of my office to Egypt. My secretary brings me food, drink, and the phone so I can still talk to friends and clients. Oddly enough, everyone I've asked to take the blasted boulder off me has declined. They all say it's for the best. That I can't get into any trouble under here. So I'm stuck. Stuck until Bill and Drunk Duck come for me some time in the future. And the worst thing is I know I will agree to go with them and get shot in the past. Anything to get out from under this damn menhir.

END

Wow, we'll finally be able to give voice to Drunk Duck and know what he sounds like. I'd think a combination of Foster Brooks, Groucho Marx and Daffy Duck (the third Duck brother and the one to be a famous Hollywood duck)

There are page breaks? We're going to need them for doing the comic.

Oooh! Interesting! I haven't heard radio plays/radio dramas in years, this sounds like it could be quite a fun project. I could probably volunteer my services for voice acting - I've been told by many people I have a radio-quality voice, or at least, I could be a voice actor . . . but also be advised, my non-southern friends love to point out my inconsistent accent and how “slow” I talk, so whether or not I could be useful for such a project would be up for debate. I would advise checking out my YouTube channel, particularly my MORON LEAGUE videos to give people an idea of my vocal range.

@Bravo - good point! I'll ask Gunwallace about that!

@J_Scarbrough - Yay! We will need a nice heroic voice for Bill Duck and a good gruff hero for McDuff. I can't do that. Banes can probably do it and I don't know what else. Bravo and I are better for character voices.

Cool, it's good to see this return, I'll submit something tomorrow.

The radio show was fun. It gave me a little confidence boost too, being voice shy. Lol. I might try a character.

My brother loves doing voices. He's not on DD, but if you're short on actors to cover roles, I'm sure he'd get a kick out of it.

Ozoneocean wrote:
@Bravo - good point! I'll ask Gunwallace about that!

@J_Scarbrough - Yay! We will need a nice heroic voice for Bill Duck and a good gruff hero for McDuff. I can't do that. Banes can probably do it and I don't know what else. Bravo and I are better for character voices.

Crikey, last radio play we had a couple of people do the main characters and you and I did all the supporting roles. Lol.
How many parts did I do? Four? Every person the protagonist met was me doing another voice. Then I started listening to classic radio drama and it really once was like that. You'd have the main character voice actors doing one voice and everyone they met were seemingly voiced by Paul Frees, Mel Blanc or June Foray. Lol

YES!
Everyone have a god\ <3

@Bravo- yes! That's how the old radio plays go haha! I still listen to modern radio plays quite frequently on BBC radio 4 extra (download the BBC Sounds app on your phone) and they still do that. Saves money lol!

I only did one extra last time, if was YOU who did all the rest haha!

-All THREE previous plays are available on One omnibus edition: https://www.theduckwebcomics.com/quackcast/episode-147-merry-xmas-dd-radio-play-omnibus-edition/