What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots tell his students?

Watch this closely. I'm only going to do this once.

cartoonprofessor
What's old, grey and wrinkly, and hangs out Grandpa's pants?

Grandma of course….
She hangs out his pants when she washes them… along with his shirts, socks, etc.

I'm seriously amazed no-one got that one.

This one's a bit easier… What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Keep them coming everyone.

What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

My six year old keeps telling variations on these two.

Joke the First:

Two muffins are in the oven. The first muffin says “Damn, it's hot in here.” The second muffin says “Oh my God! A talking muffin!”

He varies the things, frogs talking about how wet it is, signs talking about how dirty it is and various other baked goods taking about the heat. He's pretty impressed with himself.

Joke the Second:

Two chocolate bunnies are sitting on the table, one has his ears bitten off, the other has his butt bitten off. The second one says “Ouch, my butt hurts.” The first one says “What did you say?”

He's tried that one with chocolate bears and pigs but the best reaction is with the bunnies.

Poke Alster
eh? sorry i dont understand, explain please

Cancer = instant hilarity (also aids).

ozoneocean
Two Nuns in a bath.
One says “Where's the soap?”
The other replies “It does.”

Two nuns on a tandem going down a cobbled street.
One says to the other “I've never come this way before!”

I laughed so hard (esp. the first one)! Am I going to hell?

“I am in Rock but not in Stone,
I am in Marrow but not in Bone,
I am in Bolster but not in Bed,
I am not living and I am not dead:

What am I?”



Also, I don't get the first nun gag.

Inkmonkey
“I am in Rock but not in Stone,
I am in Marrow but not in Bone,
I am in Bolster but not in Bed,
I am not living and I am not dead:

What am I?”

“R”

Poke Alster
midge i like yours but patricks, its not that funny

Yeah, it's more for making people groan than laugh. I like it though, of course I like puns too.

I don't get the nun one. The first one. The second is easy.

Rutger
Ozone…I didnt get yours…

Hahaha, No cookie for you! That goes to Usedbooks ;)

cartoonprofessor
This one's a bit easier… What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Pants!

ozoneocean

Rutger
Ozone…I didnt get yours…

Hahaha, No cookie for you! That goes to Usedbooks ;)

I actually got the second one just now. Still trying to figure out the first one. I'm guessing the language barrier is the problem…

Another one for ya:

What's the difference between a warm blanket and a steamroller?

Try lying under 'em.

Oz
Two Nuns in a bath.
One says “Where's the soap?”
The other replies “It does.”

For everyone who's not getting this joke, try saying it out loud. ;)

I still don't get it…

Damn!

D0m
I still don't get it…

Damn!

SIGH!!!

Okay, let me give you another hint. You know how “they're” and “their” and “there” all sound the same when said out loud, but are spelled differently…?

Yeah. :P I don't think I can get more obvious than that!

Pixie is the one to watch… Anyway, the funniest thing about the joke is that people don't get it. :)

XDXDXD

I'm weirdly flattered by that remark. Hee!

I still don't get it. Is it an Aussie thing? The best I can come up with is:

Two Nuns in a bath.
One says "Wears the soap?“
The other replies ”It does."

But that doesn't make any sense either.

Oh man, this gets funnier by the second :)
It's quite an old British joke actually…

They even did a routine about people not getting it in the radio version of the League of Gentlemen (British black comedy sketch series/troupe), it's part of the whole motivation for one of the characters.

Ah well, I can't top that one. Pixie doesn't get a cookie. She gets biscuits instead ^__^

Uhm, Ink? You got the answer right. “Wears the soap”.
And no, it's not an Aussie thing, it's a dirty-minded thing. Don't worry about it. XD

(Also yum! Biscuits!!! Haha!)

Inkmonkey
I still don't get it. Is it an Aussie thing? The best I can come up with is:

Two Nuns in a bath.
One says "Wears the soap?“
The other replies ”It does."

But that doesn't make any sense either.

That's what I got too, but I too thought that didn't make sense. The reply doesn't seem to fit. Meh, it'll proably be some weird language loophole.

Hahaha, no, the language is easy, it's a thought thing… You have to be thinking a certain way. ;)

It's like that mad cow joke:

One cow says to another:
“you heard about that mad cow disease going ‘round”
“I wouldn’t know, I'm a tractor.”

Now that's funny on one level, if you think that the other cow has mad cow disease and thinks he's a tractor, I find it even funnier to think it's just the first cow thinking it's talking to another cow, when it fact it really IS a tractor and it thinks the tractor answers back; i.e. it has mad cow disease! lol!

Maybe that's too surreal, but the second interpretation was the one I first got when I heard the joke. :)

…
Anyway, more Jokes/riddles!

Ok. . . five men are travelling down a road when it begins to rain, four of the men walk faster and get soaked, but the fifth remains travelling at the same pace and remains dry. None of have a hat or umbrella, and none are inside a car. How did he stay dry?

Two friends (John and Jane) are playing near the woods, John runs into the woods and tells Jane he went halfway. Jane then runs into the woods and tells John she travelled through three quarters of the woods. John says that this is impossible. Why?

This next joke is one of my favourites, but it's quite offensive, so I'm spoiler texting it.

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have wet dreams about Cadillacs.

I warned you.

The five men: the other guy had a raincoat…? he was in a bus?
I think the original version of that was about wet hair…

its kinda rude, and kinda discusting but still funny

I came up with one, but it's kinda really easy, imo…

You throw away the outside and cook the inside.
Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside.
What is it?

As for Ozone's dirty nuns… This might help the head scratchers.
(From Dictionary.com)
Look at Definition #6!

1. to carry or have on the body or about the person as a covering, equipment, ornament, or the like: to wear a coat; to wear a saber; to wear a disguise.
2. to have or use on the person habitually: to wear a wig.
3. to bear or have in one's aspect or appearance: to wear a smile; to wear an air of triumph.
4. to cause (garments, linens, etc.) to deteriorate or change by wear: Hard use has worn these gloves.
5. to impair, deteriorate, or consume gradually by use or any continued process: Long illness had worn the bloom from her cheeks.
6. to waste or diminish gradually by rubbing, scraping, washing, etc.: The waves have worn these rocks.
7. to make (a hole, channel, way, etc.) by such action.
8. to bring about or cause a specified condition in (a person or thing) by use, deterioration, or gradual change: to wear clothes to rags; to wear a person to a shadow.
9. to weary; fatigue; exhaust: Toil and care soon wear the spirit.
10. to pass (time) gradually or tediously (usually fol. by away or out): We wore the afternoon away in arguing.
11. Nautical. to bring (a vessel) on another tack by turning until the wind is on the stern.
12. British Dialect. to gather and herd (sheep or cattle) to a pen or pasture.

Custard Trout
Two friends (John and Jane) are playing near the woods, John runs into the woods and tells Jane he went halfway. Jane then runs into the woods and tells John she travelled through three quarters of the woods. John says that this is impossible. Why?

Because John should have seen her pass. It's probably not the answer, but it's the most obvious one, so I figured I'd throw it out there.

A joke:

A drunken man stumbles onto a carnival and finds the shooting stand. He tels the carnie he wants to shoot for a prize, but the carnie can see the guy isobviously drunk, so at first he tells him to bug off. The drunk keeps insiting he's not drunk, an that he can hit any target, no matter what.
Finally the carnie budges, and gives the drunk of of the guns. The drunk aims, fires, and hits the bull's eye spot on. He receives his prize, a turtle, and departs, only to return about ten minutes later, even more drunk.
Again he asks for a gun, and after some persuading the carnie allows him to shoot again. Again, the drunk hits the bull's eye and sae as before, he receives a turtle as his prize. He leaves again, but then, about fifteen minutes later, he returns and asks for a gun again. The carnie doesn't even argue anymore and hands the drunk a gun, who hits the bull once again. Het gets another turtle, and he leaves again.
But ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, demanding one more shot. The carnie lets him have his way, the drunk shoots, and again he full-on hits the target.
The carnie reaches for the turtles, but notices he ran out, so he takes a teedybear and hands it to the drunk.
The drunk examines the bear for a second, then turns to the carnie and asks: “Ain't you got anymore of them cream-filled cookies?”

usedbooks = thats made me confused more than i was before