You get a paper cut and it becomes infected… you never cure it properly ‘cause you think you’re a bad-ass… unfortunately you died for being a bad-ass. I attended your funeral and told a bunch of a jokes about you… they were all negative at your point of view but it didn't matter ‘cause you were dead and you couldn’t come back from dead and kick my ass 'cause yeap… you were dead… and you stayed dead.

A Picture Frame.

you have a picture frame in your house… a really rare important one and you give tours and stuff letting people see it for a certain amount of money but one day some one tries to steal it and you chase him down. Some how you get in front of him and he bashes you skull in till you die …. breaking the picture frame… so he just steals everything else in your house!

a pen

You're writing jokes that you think are funny but they're actually not when all of a sudden your pen burts splashing ink everywhere!!! You survive the incident but then years later you slip on another unrelated pen breaking your neck and dying instantly. Sucks to be you.

Stop Sign.

You are driving along at 80 mph when suddenly you see a stop sign you try to stop but its to late you stop in the middle of traffic and your car is crushed completely. you get out and the stop sign falls on your body yeah… you died.

a water bottle! :D

You're drinking outta your water bottle when all of a sudden Al Gore appears and stabs you while screaming, You stupidass moron!!! Never use plastic!!! Then he recycles your body. The circle of life.

Star Trek

A freak wormhole opens up in the space time continuum, and you are sucked into the Star Trek universe. Oh, look at that. You're wearing a red shirt. Bad luck, mate.

Jelly beans

One day you're eating jelly beans when all of a sudden Jesus walks in the door and asks if he could borrow a phone. Of course you agree without hesitation* since it's JESUS man!!! While calling AAA for roadside assistance* he noticed your beauty and tries to put his Jesus moves on you. He invites you to dinner and you choke on the jelly bean while responding. Of course Jesus could have healed you but then AAA came and noticed a dead woman and Jesus freaking out. Jesus is convicted for murder and put to death. The irony.

The Hulk.

The Hulk mistakes you for the man who stole his kraft dinner, and throws you into oncoming traffic.

Roll of raffle tickets

you win and have a heart attack from the excitment

a microscopic atom

You're reading a medical journal about electrons and the human form. Suddenly two microscopic atoms collide in your bloodstream and you spontaneously-combust.

A 101 Dalmatians Snow Globe

You ground your child and they throw their 101 Dalmatians Snow Globe at you.
It shatters and you find out the defective Chinese product is full of flesh eating acid.
Your scream dissolves into a gargle as your body becomes a steaming puddle on the floor.

Strawberry Shortcake Doll

You go to Toys R Us with your child looking for the latest fashionable Toy. When from across the store it calls to her. Faintly at first but then the cries grow deeper. Louder. Sweeter. You are oblivious to the fact that the Strawberry Shortcake Doll has once again claimed another victim. You buy the doll for her. Because she's your little angel isn't she? Ironic, the fact that soon you will both be in heaven.

You go home. She shows the doll to her friends. They're envious. Of course they're envious. That doll is evil. So once little Claire, and little Stacey, and yes, even little Bertha leave you put your child to sleep and say. “Goodnight sweety, I love you.” You walk out of her room and turn off the light and of course as all good cliches go the doll's eyes turn bright red. Then before anyone knows what had happened. BAM. Little Stacey's back with an axe and you're all dead.

Why did this happen? Did the doll have evil powers? Did the jealousy overwhelm the little girl until she could take no more? Or did you just forget to switch to Geico to save lots of money on your car insurance?


Adobe Photoshop.

How many hours, how many weeks? how long have you lingered in front of that computer retouching photo after endless photo. Your face has gone gaunt, your skin sallow, and your body emaciated. you reach for yet another of the endless caffeinated drinks at you side but find none. By some twist of fate you didn't have enough of them. Slowly you try to arise but collapse for your legs have lost all strength and forgotten their purpose.
You call out meekly the only sound a raspy croaking. Your family abandoned the home early in your reticence. Numbly you crawl to the covered window. How did I become like this? you wonder with dread. With failing strength you fumble at the drawstring to the curtain. The sheets of darkness fall aside and in the sudden all-to-bright wash of light you glimpse briefly that fleeting beauty that you so disparately sought to create and capture permanently with the adobe photoshop. Your last breath escapes you as a sigh of contentment.

indestructible beach ball

The beach. You've heard of it time after time. Shark attacks, surf boarding accidents, death and turmoil. But you never thought it could happen to you. “It happens to other people, not me” You would think to yourself at night. But now as you lie on the sandy floor which has begun to cling dearly to your open wounds and blood stained body which only causes it to hurt more you wonder “why me?” And the truth, subtle but resounding settles. God hates you.

I was just playing beach ball… it was only beach ball. But what you didn't know, what you could not have known that day in which you had expected a day of fun in sun and instead gotten untimely demise, is that the beach ball you had so wistfully played with and bounced back and forth, that very beach ball you had hit repeatedly as if it had stolen your wallet or violated your loved ones… was pissed. One day that very ball while lost in the street had begun rolling. And eventually it rolled into a sewer line which went deeper and deeper and deeper until finally there was no more depth and the beach ball which you had loved so but treated so horrid, finally reached it goal of contentment. The ninth gate of hell. There is made a deal with the Devil and became…

Indestructible. So remember children, the next time you hit that beach ball or baseball or punching bag that these inanimate objects do indeed have feelings and they remember everything.

Welcome to the jungle baby, you're gonna die.


Contact Lenses.

You put your new contact lenses in and start driving.
Unfortunately the desk lady gave you the wrong ones and you drive of a cliff.

nerf ball

You eat the nerf ball and die from the toxic chemicals they put in it to give it that “nerf” feeling.

Cheesy Poofs.

you stuff them down too fast and choke to death.

padded room while in a straight jacket

You suffocate in the room padding while strangling yourself with the straight jacket.

Air.

Choke to death because it was air from Mars.

oxygen

Too much goes into your lungs and they explode causing a gory reaction throughout your body during which your bowels would release… This has actually happened… Stop looking at me like that…

Eyes.

you are captured by a psycho path and he buries you in a pile of eyeballs you open your mouth to scream but one goes in your mouth and you choke to death

spleen

Your favorite form of death is by choke isn't it?

You get spleen… enitus.. ish

And die.


Death.

the reaper taps you on the shoulder.
BOOM you dead!


plush toy

Yeah I saw that. Weird timing.

so then, plush toy?

It comes alive and eats your soul out of your head.

Pineapple. No choking this time.

It somehow begins to float around and begins pummeling you to death…

Toe

Kitty with the originality!

A giant toe stomps you into nothing.

The World.

The world collapses in on itself, while you're already dying of a benign tumor

A toolbox filled with sandwichs.